TV show quotes
Wai-wai-wai-wait, hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?
You know, I've completely forgotten.
Me too.
Something about a coupon...
I cannot, for the life of me, remember...
Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. I hope I didn't hurt you.
No, no, no. I'm alright.
But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner?
Well, that sounds lovely.
[Lois is in the mayoral debate, the crowd is asking her questions]
Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city?
A lot.
[crowd claps]
...because that's what Jesus wants.
[crowd claps]
9/11 was bad.
[crowd claps and cheers]
[to herself] God, I can't believe how easy this is.
Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment?
9/11.
[crowd claps and cheers]
Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem?
Nine...
[confused] Hmm?
Eleven.
[crowd gives standing ovation]
Hey, you guys.
Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
What?
What?
[The opening to The Jetsons is shown, however when Jane takes George's wallet, he stops her from leaving the flying car]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no! I took this one out for you! You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet just so you can go shopping!
I was just going to buy some groceries.
Bullshit!
A long time ago, but somehow in the future…
It is a time of civil war and renegade paragraphs flying through space.
There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad, but you don't find that out until the next episode.
And this hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it, and they kiss, which is kinda messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?
Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth.
Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie Gia. She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late at night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digress...
Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...
[Watto flies into a Lightsaber set up like a bug zapper]
Hey, why would you hang that up? It looks so tantalizing.
[Peter finishes telling the story]
The end!
[the lights come back on and the Griffins cheer]
Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!
Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Oh, really? Define decent.
I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Well, yeah, but double ten people is like, twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Who knows?
Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the REAL networks.
[chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
And besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? What is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yaaay! Tune me in for that.
Oh, so you do know the show?
I read part of a review online. I'm not a fan.
[angrily] You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
[after Chris leaves, Peter sings the Star Wars theme, with the screen cutting to black afterwards]
So, Meg, any luck finding another job?
No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.
[cut to Meg on the couch, on the phone]
What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and we could watch House?
[cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone, revealing he's the caller]
All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. [hangs up]
Listen, l hope you don't mind Stewie staying for us for a little while. He, uh, he just gets really lonely without me at home.
You're so fatherly. That really turns me on. [they start making out]
[whining off - screen] Brian, there's no more graham crackers!
They're in the cabinet! [continues with Jillian]
l don't see them.
They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking in?
Can't you just come in here?!
No, l'm busy. [continues with Jillian. We hear a loud crash and glass breaking]
Oh, nooo! Oh, no, Brian! Oh no... OH NOOO! OH, BRIAN, WE NEED PAPER TOWELS! OH, OHH, IT'S GOING UNDER THE FRIDGE! OHH!
Just use a dish towel!
THERE AREN'T ANY, BRIAN. YOU NEED TO COME IN THERE... OHH, WE ARE GONNA HAVE ANTS!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
