TV show quotes
[as a spiritual guide] Lois, I told you, it ain't safe!
I'll tell you what's not safe: Goin' huntin' with Dick Cheney.
[cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]
So, y'all set to go huntin'? [Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]
Sorry, I thought you were a deer.
[Carrot Top runs out of the hall of mirrors after tricking Peter, but the latter comes out successfully, much to the former's surprise]
What the hell? How did you find me?
[shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses] I found this saw with glasses on it.
[takes the saw] Oh, that's my "See"-saw!
[Peter laughs]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fuckin' funny! You are so - Goddamn you for being so funny! [laughs again] Oh, my God!
[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]
Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?
[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]
They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.
The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for The Godfather.
What?!
Did not care for The Godfather.
How can you even say that?
Didn’t-didn’t like it.
Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie.
This is what everyone always says- everyone always says [imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]
Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, I mean- ROBERT DUVALL!
I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie.
Why not?
Couldn’t get into it.
Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it?
It insists upon itself, Lois.
What?
It insists upon itself.
What does that even mean?
‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent!
It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending.
You’ve never seen the ending?!
Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance?
I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair.
I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs-
Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene.
I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest.
They’re speaking Italian!
The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand.
I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement.
Exactly.
Well, there ya go.
Whatever.
I like that movie, too.
[Stewie and Brian are playing Pac-Man while intoxicated]
Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get, get the fruit.
I'm not gonna get the fruit.
Get the fruit
I-I can't get the fruit.
Get the fruit man!
[angrily] I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE!
Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?
Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.
[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]
Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.
Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!
Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!
[Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]
Did I miss my cue?
[in the bar]
Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]
[nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.
[in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]
[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!
Peter, is there anything else you want to say?
Yeah, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts; everyone laughs]
[laughs] Oh, Peter!
Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]
That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. [farts again, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]
Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
[slowly] I was raped.
Lois [chuckles] What?
Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
[chuckles harder] What? [Peter whispers in her ear; annoyed] Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
You sound just like him! [runs off, sobbing]
Fuckin' idiot.
[At the Drunken Clams tavern]
Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.
Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday, and...he did things to my fanny! [accidentally knocks over his beer mug; crying]
[solemnly] Peter, it's okay.
It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!
You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.
[stops crying; shocked] He...he did it to you, too?
I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation!
You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!
My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here! I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter.
Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
No!
Oh, we're just getting started!
Meg is my least favorite of all your children.
It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.
I'm that kind of drunk.
[throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!
So, how was work today, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries] Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg. [Peter angrily raspberries again] And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg."
[Peter angrily raspberries yet again] So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries again]
[laughs] Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries again] MEG! [Peter angrily raspberries even louder] Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries 7 times; quietly] Meg... [Peter angrily raspberries quietly]
I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job! [Peter whispers into Brian's ear]
Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
What did he just say to you?
Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg. [Peter raspberries again]
[deleted scene on DVD; Chris marches up to Quagmire, who is watering the lawn]
Hey, Chris, what's going on?
Give me your car keys.
Huh? What for?
[furiously] I said GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS!! [starts yelling while beating Quagmire up with headbutting, kicking and punching, then knocks him to the ground and pounds him] It didn't have to be this way, Glenn! [takes Quagmire's car keys] You should've given me your keys. [gets in Quagmire's car and drives off]
[enters the scene] Quagmire, what the hell happened to you?
Your damn kid just totally kicked my ass!
Meg did this?
No, you dummy, Chris! He came over here, beat the crap out of me and took my car!
Well, Chris is gonna get it, as soon as I get my hands on him.
[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]
OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!
[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!
You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.
[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!
We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!
[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?
Now, why would you be embarrassed about dating her?
Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
[to Brian] Is she retarded?
Can you please leave now?!
Oh, now I get it! She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.
Shut up! That's not it at all!
[reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off, and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be obstinate!
Abstinent.
Absent.
Abstinent.
You're grounded.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
