SSmithers
[enters Moe's Tavern] Uh... hello. Got a help wanted sign on the window?
Uh, yeah. I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.
SSmithers
I'll just wait out back until then.
I look forward to working with you!
Mr. Smithers wait! You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices. You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself that there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back!
SSmithers
You're right! But I'm gonna need your help.
[the Duff clock strikes 12 and it tolls]
TDTruck Driver
Beer delivery. Just sign here. Oh, No! It's you!
[loud crashing]
[laughing] [Truck Driver: Hey!] Oh boy! [Truck Driver: give me that!] No! [empty metal containers rolling] [burps loudly]
[Homer is helping Smithers to a taxi with his bags]
SSmithers
Is there anything else you need to know? [gets in]
Uhh... What do I do in case of fire?
SSmithers
[The window is rolled up and his voice is muffled] Sorry, can't hear you. [Taxi starts driving off] Good luck.
[Homer goes back to Mr. Burns's office which is on fire]
[The citizens of Springfield are watching slides that show Maison Derriere's clients]
[Slide of Dr. Hibbert]
[Slide of Chief Wiggum]
[Slide of Skinner]
[Slide of Patty]
[Slide of Cletus]
[Slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts]
[Slide of Chief Wiggum]
Hey, come on, you did me twice.
[Slide of Smithers]
SSmithers
My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.
[Slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash]
Uh, well, that could be any mayor.
Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.
[A sip is all that's needed to boost his batteries.]
We need some excitement around here!
SSmithers
Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?
No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy... like a safety drill! But what kind? Meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah... I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today. [presses the "Fire Drill" button as the alarm goes off, most people just stare, intrigued]
All right, popcorn's ready! [takes the bag out of the microwave and pours kernels in a bowl]
Hey! That's the fire alarm!
We gotta get out of here!
[They run out of the cafeteria]
Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!
[All around the plant, it's panic and havoc. One man grabs an extinguisher, and proceeds to hit anyone nearing him.]
[Homer storms into his sector and frantically tries to decide which framed picture on his panel he should rescue. Out of all the family photos, he chooses a black and white of himself dressed like a cowboy.]
MMan
Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
[Mr. Burns and Smithers stand outside the plant, waiting for Burns' victims to evacuate.]
Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
SSmithers
Forty-five seconds!
And what's our time so far?
SSmithers
I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me? Ah. Here comes one of our fellows now.
[Homer runs out the door and shuts the door and secures it with a bench, before he runs, panting, to his boss.]
I think I won, Mr. Burns.
Yes! [Hauntingly] You won, all right! You won more than you bargained for.
[Mr. Burns scolds his employees (who finally made an escape, albeit messily) for showing a lack of teamwork. Lenny and Carl get into a fistfight, proving his point. The crowd cheers the fight, but Mr. Burns shows disappointment.]
What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.
Maybe he does, but I don't.
Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh!
[Smithers is hiking up the snowy mountain, alone, cursing Mr. Burns]
SSmithers
How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your boney old behind!
["boney old behind" echoes through the mountain, Mr. Burns and Homer hear it]
Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.
SSmithers
Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.
[Ralph wanders on-stage with a re-labelled Malibu Stacey dollhouse]
SSmithers
[chuckles indulgently] It's pretty good, sir.
Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant! Not Anne Bueller's bordello! Thank you, get out. Next!
[long pause]
Uh, Ralphie? Get off the stage, sweetheart!
[Martin walks on-stage with his impressive power plant model]
Behold! The power plant of the future...today!
Ugh! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?
But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!
[Martin turns a knob on the model and dims the lights]
You lose, get off my property!
Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're straining to do some explaining.
Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?
It could be anything, it could be a mutant from the nuclear plant.
Oh, fiddle faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
SSmithers
You mean the revolver, sir?
Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.
Smithers, why haven't I heard of this "The Leader"? He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax exempt status!
SSmithers
Actually, sir, with our creative book-keeping and corporate loop holes we only pay three dollars a year.
[Shocked] You're right, we're getting screwed! There must be something we can do about this. Yes, I believe I know just the thing [Evil laugh] [Long Pause]
SSmithers
Uh, sir... You've got to tell me what the plan is, or nothing will happen.
Oh, right. The plan. You see me as a God, right, Smithers?
SSmithers
Absolutely, sir!
Yes... uh... Then I'll just form my own religion, with its own special symbol [Burns starts sketching down a symbol.] We'll use this special K! [It's the Kellogg symbol]
SSmithers
I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir.
Alright, then... how about this? [Sketches another symbol, which is Mickey Mouse's ears.]
SSmithers
Ah, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?
SSmithers
Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.
[sees charred doughnut] Success!
You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?
Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well, carry on! [walks off]
SSmithers
Sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years.
Ohh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?
Well, why didn't you say-- Yawoo! You're fired!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
