A character in The Simpsons
Waylon Smithers
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
In 73 of the 3,477 quotes from The Simpsons
Most scenes with: Mr. Burns (51), Homer Simpson (21), Montgomery Burns (8)
[to Homer] And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.
"It's Raining Men"?!
Yeah, not no more, it ain't. [throws the record out the window which lands into Smithers' car]
Ow! [looks at the record] Ohhh.
Get me Steven Spielberg!
He's unavailable.
Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent! [shortly afterwards...] Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Er, Schindler es bueno, Señor Burns es el diablo.
Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit. Now get out there and win me that festival!
[Burns is seated in an auditorium.]
Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Excellent.
[Anthony Hopkins is wheeled in restrained a la Hannibal Lecter]
Excellent. [hisses]
Next!
[William Shatner appears, dressed as Captain Kirk]
Ex...cel-lent!
Next!
Exactly. Heh, heh... d'oh!
Next!
Excellente!
Es muy bueno.
Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
[Everyone booing at Burns' movie]
Smithers, are they booing me?
Uh no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
BOO!!! [throwing at Burns]
I was saying "Boo-urns."
Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Yes...but not completely full. For you see...
[singing] Some men hunt for sport
Others hunt for food
The only thing I'm hunting for...
is an outfit that looks good
[to the tune "Be Our Guest"]
See...my...vest, see my vest
made from real gorilla chest
See this sweater? There's no better
than authentic Irish Setter
See this hat? 'Twas my cat
My evening wear, vampire bat
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino
Grizzly-bear underwear
Turtle's necks I've got my share
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest
Try my red robin suit,
it comes one breast or two
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest
Like my loafers? Former gophers
It was that or skin my chauffeurs
But a greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best
So, let's prepare these dogs
Kill two for matching clogs
See my vest... see my vest
Oh please, won't you see my vest?
[spoken] I really like the vest.
I gathered, yeah.
Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out.
[He presses yet another button, raising a shield over the model town which blots out the sunlight]
[horrified] Good God!
Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long.
But sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish.
[gasps] I will not suffer this insubordination. There has been a shocking decline in the quantity and quality of your toadying, Waylon - and you will fall into line. Now!
...No. No Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.
I'll do no such thing! You're fired!
[Smithers leaves, dejected. Mr. Burns laughs evilly to himself and stomps through the scale model of the town like a giant monster.]
Take that, Bowl-A-Rama! Take that, convenience mart! Take that, Nuclear Power Pl... Oh, fiddlesticks.
[Smithers sits in a confessional.]
Father, I'm not a Catholic, but... I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who... [breaks down sobbing] who shot Mr. Burns!
[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol.]
That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.
[Homer and Bart are chasing the runaway pig for the barbecue. It rolls through some bushes]
It's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good!
[the pig passes through traffic, hits a guardrail and falls into a canal with toxic waste drums in it]
It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good!
[the pig gets caught in the dam spillway. Water floods behind it until the built-up pressure shoots it through the spillway and rocketing into the distance]
It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!
It's gone.
I know.
[in Mr. Burns' office]
You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!
[they both laugh. A moment later the pig sails past the window]
Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
No, I'd still prefer not.
[After Homer has seemingly been sucked to his death in a hydro-electric turbine]
Smithers, who was that corpse?
Homer Simpson, sir. [tearfully] One of the finest, bravest men to ever grace Sector 7-G... [calmly] I'll cross him off the list.
[voiceover] A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son. Watch.
[Deleted scene from Burns' Heir.]
Bart, you're coming home!
I wanna stay here with Mr. Burns!
[threateningly] I suggest you leave immediately.
Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead: Do your worst!
"My worst," eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
[Smithers pulls a lever on the side of the house. A door on the side of the stairs slides up, revealing a pear-shaped robot in a tank top and short-shorts with Richard Simmons' hair and voice. The robot walks up to Homer]
Come on, big boys! Shake the butter off those buns!
[A speaker slides out the side of his head, blaring "Shake Your Booty" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. The robot begins disco dancing and Homer tries to back away from him; Homer then runs screaming from Burns' manor; as Burns, Bart, and Smithers keep watching, they turn and find the robotic Simmons right next to them, still dancing and still playing "Shake Your Booty"]
Come on, come on, now. Shake, shake, shake. [continues dancing]
Smithers, he's out of control!
I'll take him out, sir. [extracts his shotgun from his jacket pocket and shoots the robot square in the eye; the blown out eye reforms and the robot continues dancing, only this time, the music is warped and the robot begins shaking violently]
His ass is gonna blow!
[Smithers, Burns, and Bart run screaming back into the house as the Robotic Simmons explodes, his head landing miles away at the mansion's front gate].
[One of the false endings to Who Shot Mister Burns?.]
And, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, Waylon Smithers.
[People gasp upon seeing Smithers is the one who shot Mr. Burns.]
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut.
Aww!
But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence [chuckles] and that would be downright nutty! [The camera shows two photos of the Simpson family, one from an early Tracy Ullman short, the other from a mid-1990s episode] Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!
I would like to join your bowling team.
You want to join my what?
You want to what his team?
[Homer has taken up golf as a hobby and is practicing hitting golf balls into the commodes in the men's room at the nuclear plant, which is clandestinely being observed by Mr. Burns and Smithers on their surveillance cameras.]
Smithers, who is that lavatory linksman?
Homer Simpson, sir. From Sector 7-G.
Simpson, eh? Well, invite him to the country club. I believe I finally may have a challenge in golf. I have not lost a game since I let Richard Nixon win during his beleaguered second term.
That was very thoughtful of you, sir.
Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his [imitating Nixon] "Ohhh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" [normal voice] Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is of any relation?
Unlikely sir, as they spell and pronounce their names differently.
You should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzled bread.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. This was all my fault.
No, don't concern yourself. If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace. [motions to an actual mace]
Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir. I failed you, and I'll never forgive myself! [Begins smashing his head against the steering wheel of the limo] Never! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never!
[Annoyed, Burns raises the shield between him and Smithers. His car phone rings, and he answers it.]
[through the phone] Never! Never! Never!
I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I search the employee evaluations for the word "incompetent".
714 MATCHES FOUND
714 names? Heh. Better be more specific. "Lazy", "clumsy", "dimwitted", "monstrously ugly".
[displays hourglass icon]
714 MATCHES FOUND
Eh, nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson.
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