Milhouse Van Houten quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Hey, everybody! Look at me! Turn this way right now!

Hey, it's Bart!

And he's doing stuff!

Principal Skinner

Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here!

[beating up Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!

Lisa

[punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt half over his head] Lay off, guys! He's with me.

[points at Bart] It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.

Lisa

Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you any more.

Skinner

I hardly ever let Mother fight for me any more! [laughs]

Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for protection...and to be seen!

Bart

Oh, no, it's PE signup day!

Lisa

[in a hockey uniform similar to the one she wore on Apu's team and has an increased interest in hockey] How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.

Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up [gets kicked by Nelson] --oof!

So did Tae Kwon Do.

OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?

Alright, settle down. Anita Bath here?

Alright, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks! [even more laughter] Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, Kids? Well, children, I can't help that!

Wow, Bart, I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes.

Bart

In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself, they're trying to teach.

Martin

Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia!

We'll never get the tree back now.

Bart

Keep your voices down, boys; we didn't come this far to get found out.

Homer

FOUND 'EM! YOU KIDS ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, RUNNING FROM HOME LIKE THAT!

Bart

They stole our lemon tree!

Reverend Lovejoy

I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...

[scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Bart

[nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

[clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

Bart did it! That Bart, right there!

Bart

[angry] Milhouse!

Reverend Lovejoy

Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

Bart

You shank! How could you tell on me?!

Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.

Bart

"Soul"?! Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? [see Lovejoy using the coin counter with collection money]

Reverend Lovejoy

I don't hear scrubbing!

Bart

Well, if your soul's real, where is it? [Milhouse puts his hand on his chest]

It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!

Bart

Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?

Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.

Bart

[groans] How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul. I don't have a soul. There's no such thing as a soul!

Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me?

Bart

[pause] How much ya got?

Five bucks.

Bart

..Deal.

I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs: ALF pogs! Remember ALF? He's back... in pog form!

Bart

You traded my soul for pogs?! [runs out screaming] Noooooooo!

Close that door, you're letting the heat out!

Kirk Van Houten

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Bart

Hey, how come you're not playing 'Bonestorm'?

Ehh... it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now! [laughing] You never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go!

Bart

Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me because you don't want me playing your video game.

[giving Bart the video game] Here, go ahead.

Bart

No, let me try the cup and ball.

Get your own!

Bart

Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog!

Hey! Give it! That's mine!

MOM! BART'S SMOKING!

OW! Bart, Nelson hit me!

Bart

He sure did.

Bart

Hey Lis. [sits beside her] I guess my little yearbook stunt was pretty rough but it did teach you a lesson. It's important to be yourself. [Marge leaves]

Lisa

[Grabs Bart by his shirt and whispers to him] I know exactly who I am. I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean, little sneak! [grabs a syrup bottle] You cost me my only friends! [holds the bottle on top of Bart's head, threatening him] You've ruined my life! [squeezes the bottle, but Marge re-enters the room. Lisa starts eating again and Bart looks at Lisa scared]

Marge

Hey kids! there's a carnival tonight!

[appears from behind a cereal box] Oh boy, a carnival!

Hey, Van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.

Aren't you gonna say, "Ha-ha"?

Oh, by no means. [sits down]: My dad left my mom after she got hooked on cough drops. By the end [voice breaks], her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.

Oh, so I guess I'm not alone.

Kearney

Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid [slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney], but he got over it.

I sleep in a drawer.

Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?

Lisa

No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.

She was looking at Nelson!

[sing-song] Lisa likes Nelson!

She does not!

[sing-song] Milhouse likes Lisa!

He does not!

[sing-song] Janey likes Milhouse!

She does not!

[sing-song] Uter likes Milhouse!

Largo

Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!

Bart

Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!

I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.

Bart

Wow. Wonder where all the rats are gonna go?

OK, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

What is it, Lisa?

Lisa

It looks like a human skeleton, but these other bones almost look like wings.

Ned

You mean like an angel?

Lisa

Well, obviously that's impossible--

Lisa's right, it’s an angel!