Milhouse Van Houten quotes from The Simpsons

She loves me, she loves me not. Oh, why do I always use flowers with two pedals?

Principal Skinner

[sees the writing on the school wall about him saying he's a wiener, but in an incorrect sentence] Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.

Martin

And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is W-I-E-N-E-R. Although, "I-E" is an acceptable ethnic variant.

Principal Skinner

Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. [checks Lewis's hands] Mm-hmm. [checks Milhouse's hands] Good. [checks Richard's hands] Clean. [goes to Bart] Simpson?

Martin

You might say you caught him red-handed.

Principal Skinner

Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.

Bart

Same time, same place?

Principal Skinner

Yes. In my office after school.

Ooh!

Bart

[daydream begins] Okay, Nelson. Put up your dukes! [a big shadow looms over him] Whaaaa! [runs into a school hall and closes the door, getting punched by a big hand, Nelson stomps the door down] Yikes! [throws a knives at Nelson, as he drags them off]

Ha, ha, ha! [Bart grabs a machine gun and fires at Nelson] Ha, ha, ha!

Bart

Oh! [throws a machine gun at Nelson, who catches and eats it whole. He screams as he runs up some stairs, which he's followed by Nelson, the stairs stops at a dead end and Nelson is about to pick him up] Uh-oh.

Mmmmmm, lunchtime! Ha, ha, ha! Lunchtime!

Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime.

Bart

I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive.

Hey, that's my seat.

Bart

Correction: was your seat.

Barney

But I only got up to go to the can!

Homer

Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

Principal Skinner

I've been so blind. In retrospect, the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.

Bart

Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal "Sucker."

Principal Skinner

[grumbles in irritation] Now Bart, in light of your recent service to the school, I've decided to be lenient. Four hundred days' detention.

Bart

Eh, four hundred days? I can do that standing on my head.

Principal Skinner

All right, five hundred days!

Bart

[chuckling] Ooh, big man!

Principal Skinner

Six hundred days!

Bart

Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.

[as the new hall monitor] Let's go, Simpson.

You shake it up, and it tells the future!

Bart

Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!

Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."

That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]

Bart

Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.

Martin

Hey...

He's not dead, is he Bart?

Bart

Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.

Very good, Bart. Thank you.

Bart

Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.

Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.

Uh, I have a horsey.

Wuss!

Hey, don't bogart that Squishee! [Barney chugs the all-syrup Squishee]

Barney

I dunno where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.

Principal Skinner

What is it with you kids and that word? [grabs Milhouse] I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege.

Bart

The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower indistinguishable to the naked eye but therein lies the game!

I fear to watch! I cannot turn away!

Bart

I'm telling you, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the Credits! [presses "play"]

Krusty

Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll, then after a few seconds they are squeezed for a news promo]

Kent Brockman

I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.

Bart

[Pausing the tape and pointing to his name on the screen] There's my name, right here, Bart Simpson.

Looks more like Brad Storch.

Martin

No, it says Betty. Betty Symington.

[Punching Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.

Mr. Burns

Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you.

I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

I have nothing to offer you but my love.

Mr. Burns

I specifically said no geeks!

[dejected] But my mom says I'm cool...

Mr. Burns

Next!

Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Mr. Burns

Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

Martin Prince

[Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring went the bell! Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings--

Mr. Burns

Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.

Lisa

[clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours -

Mr Burns

I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!

[offstage, in a dress and wig] So much for Plan B.

Where does it go?

Bart

I don't know, but it won't be back for three hours. One time it had snow on it.

Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing!

Bart

It is? [Bart looks in vain for the problem, only to overbalance and fall from the treehouse, then screams with a girlish scream]

[talking to Kearney as Bart plummets] You see, "epidermis" means your hair. [Bart lands with a thud] So technically it's true; that's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Ha ha!

Hey Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.

I said, "Ha, ha."