[Tom Cruise's mountain lodge]
Guys, I wanna really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you all can relate to.
[The 200 other celebrities begin to chatter, generally agreeing with him]
That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!
I'm fed up with it! That town suggested I was made of sh*t!
Yeah well I was just over there doing some fly-fishing, and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer!
That is wrong! Hohhot, that is crazy!
I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher started joining in.
[eating chocolate cake] South Park, Colorado, is the most insensitive racist and bigoted place in this country!
That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it!
If anybody has a gripe against that sh*thole, it's me! [spits something into a tissue, then rubs that tissue into John Travolta's crotch]
Yeah, well I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to the slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want.
Yeah!!
Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where is your bathroom?
Oh just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared goes to the first door and opens it] No, no, that's a that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No, that's a closet too. [Jared moves on to the next door across the hall and opens that one] No, Jared, that one's a closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No. That's a cl- [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No that's a that's a closet.
[Jared runs out of door to open and looks at Tom]
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