It stopped being funny when air came out her vagina, Sharon!
S13 E4Eat, Pray, Queef
I'm so excited and queefy!
[hopefully] Hey, Stan. You wanna maybe study together after school?
What? No way, dude! Today's the day!
AAnnouncer
And now, the exciting conclusion of Terrance and Philip: Blood Rage... (a "Special Presentation" graphic appears onscreen)...will not be seen tonight so that we bring you this Queef Sisters special! (The "April Fools" graphic seen at the beginning of Not Without My Anus appears again, with the accompanying kazoo honk.) The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters, Katie and Katherine Queef! Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out of their vaginas! (Cut to several stills of the titular sisters doing just that...)
(Cut to a gynecologist's office. The Queef Sisters are both in stirrups as the doctor comes in.)
DDoctor
All right, Queef Sisters! It's time for your yearly Pap smear and vag exam!
Katie (pleasantly: All right, Doctor!
Katherine (equally pleasant): I'm ready, Doctor! (The doctor walks over to Katherine.)
DDoctor
Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (he puts his head down between Katherine's legs, and not even two seconds later, she queefs, blowing his hair back. Repulsed) Ugh!(The sisters laugh, not unlike Terrance and Philip would.)
(Cut back to the kids watching this spectacle in disgust.)
Cartman (disgustedly): What the f**k is this?!
(Cut back to the gyno's office.)
Doctor (sternly): Now, listen here! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist!
Katherine (apologetically): I'm sorry, Doctor, I had air trapped in my vagina.
DDoctor
Well, just don't let it happen again! Now, I'm just going to check for cysts. (Again, he assumes the position. Again, Katherine queefs. Again, they both laugh hysterically. Now he's really mad...) Now, stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there! (Once again, he assumes the position. Need we elaborate on what happens next? He slams down his notepad in disgust.) That does it! No Pap smear for you! (points at Katherine)
KKatherine
But, Doctor, what if I have cancer?
Doctor (unmoved): You should have thought about that before you queefed in my face three times!
(Cut back to the kids. They're even more confused and disgusted than before, but it's leaning more towards disgust.)
Butters (confused): They aren't gonna show Part Two of The Terrance and Philip Show?
(Back to the gyno's office.)
Doctor, my sister's just being difficult. Maybe you could examine my cervix instead!
DDoctor
Well, all right...Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (You know the rest. Thoroughly repulsed, he throws down his notepad again.) That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore! (He storms out of the exam room, slamming the door behind him.)
Katherine (innocently): Oh, Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry.
Katie (innocently): I guess so, Katherine... hhahahahaha
(Cut to the kids.)
Dude! What the hell is this disgusting crap?
(Cut to a two shot of Terrance and Philip in the office of Brian, the President of the Canada Channel. They've also been watching the Queef Sisters special, and they would like to know the same thing Cartman wants to know...)
PPhilip
What the hell is this disgusting crap?!
Terrance (equally disgusted): Queef Sisters?!
That's right. It's a hot new Canadian show we're trying out.
Terrance (incredulous): You replaced our show with this? But they aren't funny! All they do is queef all the time!
PPhilip
That's sick!
You think farts are funny, why not queefs?
Terrance (annoyed because it's so obvious): Because babies come from there!
Hey, look, guys! Women are starting to be the driving force behind the television audience--you know, women empowerment and the get-go! So we want to appeal to the female sensibility. Sorry, guys, but if you ask me, your farts have gone stale!
(The Marsh family is at the dinner table, quietly eating. Suddenly, there is a very quiet noise, almost like a fart, except...different somehow. Stan and Randy look up.)
Randy (wary): What was that?
Oh...excuse me...(barely stifling a giggle) I had some air trapped. (Shelly knows exactly what her mother means, and she can't suppress her own giggle. Randy, however, is somewhat less than appreciative of how funny that was.)
Randy (disgusted): Oh, my God, did you just...at the table?
Stan (equally grossed out): Gross, Mom! (Seeing Randy and Stan's disgust only sets Sharon and Shelly to giggling again.)
Randy (stern and paternal): Okay, that's enough, girls, all right?! I mean, how old are you, Sharon?
Sharon (trying to sound relatively contrite): Sorry. It's just...it's just pretty funny how much it bothers you. (Apparently the humor is lost on the masculine portion of the Marsh family.)
Randy (sarcastic): Oh, yeah, yeah, that's really funny!
Stop it, Mom!
Yea, okay? Let"s just try to have a nice dinner, okay?
Okay, I'm sorry. (They go back to eating again in silence. A couple seconds later, another queef can be heard. This time, both Sharon and Shelly crack up.)
Randy (like you'd talk to a child): Sharon Marsh!!!
(Cut to the Queef Sisters' bedroom. Philip is dodging various missiles being thrown at him by Katherine.)
PPhilip
You stupid bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? (He ducks to avoid a vase as it smashes against the wall.)
KKatherine
I'm not your sex toy, you fucking pig! (She chucks another vase at Philip, who dodges that one as well.)
PPhilip
You don't queef in bed while we're having sex!
KKatherine
Fuck you, you don't fucking slap me! (The lights come on to reveal Terrance and Katie in the other bed.)
Can you please keep it down? We're trying to have sex over here!
PPhilip
She queefed while we were having sex, Terrance!
Terrance (thoroughly repulsed): SICK!!
Katie (gamely): Well, what's the big deal?. I've been queefing in this bed the entire time! (Terrance does a double-take.)
WHAT?!!! GROSS!!! (He slaps Katie.)
How dare you!!! (She punches Terrance right in the face. Both women start pushing them to the door.)
Katherine (screeching hysterically): GET OUT! GET OUT, BOTH OF YOU!!! WE NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!! (They shove Terrance and Philip through the threshold and onto the porch.)'
Terrance (dumbfounded): After all we've been through? (He gets his answer from the door suddenly slammed in their face. The two sisters hug each other, crying and queefing in equal measure.)
(Cut to the porch. Terrance and Philip are smoking cigarettes and bemoaning their position.)
Terrance (sighing): What the hell am I going to do, Philip? She makes me so mad sometimes!
PPhilip
Katherine just won't stop queefing...but I don't know if could live without her...
(Cut back to the bedroom. The Queef Sisters are still crying and queefing, when Terrance and Philip come back in.)
Philip (contrite): Katie, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Terrance (equally contrite): Me too, Katherine. I don't love your queefs, but dammit, I love you.
Katherine (runs to hug Terrance): Oh, Terrance...
Katie (doing the same with Philip): Philip! (Both couples get back in their respective beds and start getting their Canadian freak on, and soon the room is a cacophony of farts and queefs.)
(Cut to the school, the day after the Queef Sisters special. The kids are gathered around Cartman as he shouts into a cellphone at an unseen representative of the Canada Channel.)
No, no, as a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for 35 minutes! (beat) Well, we want some goddamn answers, that what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Philip conclusion, you asshole?! (At that moment, Wendy, Bebe and a couple other girls walk over. Wendy goes over to Stan.)
What's going on?
We're complaining to the Canada Network because they put something really gross on TV.
You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air out of their vagina into a man's face? (Beat, then Cartman gets really pissed.) No, no, see, some of us were eating when you showed that!
Clyde (chiming in): I threw up on the way home.
Clyde threw up on the way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?!
You tell 'em, Cartman!
RRed
What happened?
They didn't show Part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!
It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!
Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?
You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! ...Don't call me buddy; I'm not your buddy!
S13 E5Fishsticks
Say, Eric, do you like fishsticks?
Yeah?
Do you like putting fishsticks in your mouth?
Yeah?
Well, what are you, Eric? A gay fish?
[thinks for a second] Fish...dicks. Aww, dude, that is funny as shit!
Because I am a genius I have ascertained that fish have gills. Doctor do I have gills?
DDoctor
He does not have gills.
You hear that? No gills! So I can't be a fish! And I'm a genius voice of a generation so I'm not gay! So that is that. Alright! It's over! Now are there any questions!?
RReporter
Do You like Fishsticks?
Love um.
RReporter
You're a gay fish.
No I'm naahhhh!!!
I'm a motherliness lyrical wordsmith motherliness genius!
CMCarlos Mencia
[tied up at Kanye West's mansion] Okay, look, it wasn't me! I didn't really start the fishstick thing, all right?
You're just sayin' that now 'cause you're scared.
CMCarlos Mencia
No, man, it's true! I stole it, man! I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funny! Come on, man, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funny? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, man!
Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?
CMCarlos Mencia
Nothing! Look at me, man! I'm not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work, man. I got to piss in a plastic bag, man, I got no dick!
Yeah, and if I had wheels I'd be a wagon.
[Kanye comes into the room with Cartman and Jimmy and his goons begin smashing everything]
Dude, it's Puff Daddy!
[speaking on David Letterman about the fishsticks joke] Yo, that is messed up, yo. I am not gay, and I sure as hell ain't no fish, all right?!
DLDavid Letterman
You...really don't get it?
Hey, yo man, I'm the most talented musician in the world! If I was a homosexual or a fish, I would know!
DLDavid Letterman
You're a rapper.
Yes.
DLDavid Letterman
An entrepreneur.
Yes.
DLDavid Letterman
And you like fishsticks.
Yes.
DLDavid Letterman
You're a gay fish.
[agitated] No, I am not no gay fish!
DLDavid Letterman
Just gay?
I am not gay, and I'm not a fish! Man!
DLDavid Letterman
You are male.
Damn right, I'm male!
DLDavid Letterman
A male that likes fishsticks.
Yeah, I like fishsticks.
DLDavid Letterman
You like to put fishsticks in your mouth.
Yeah.
DLDavid Letterman
You're a gay fish. Also, I'm not gay.
All right, that does it! I'm gonna kick your motherliness ass! [attacks Letterman]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.