TV show quotes
Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
[frustrated] What are you talking about?
Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...
That kid's got as much hope as Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.
And Stan, don't forget: win or lose...that's the only choices you have. Win or lose.
Oh, all right, I'd like to solve the puzzle: ...NIGGERS!
Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.
[Cartman enters the room and starts laughing as uncontrollably as he did before at Dr. Nelson]
Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.
Oh, oh- did I hurt his little feelings? Ha ha ha!
You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.
Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they build a dam!
Dr. Nelson [as Cartman continues laughing at him]: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!
Barely!
No matter how you act, I can rise above it!
"Rise above it!" Get it?
[his face is now blushing in anger] SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
Mr. Nelson!
Dr. Nelson [as Cartman laughs at him again]: He didn't get to me. I was just joking.
Look, look how his face is all red. He's like a little strawberry.
Arrgh!
I get it now. After that little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N-word.
So black people are midgets?
Goddamn it!
Jesse Jackson is not the emperor of black people!
[Token walks away; long pause]
He told my dad he was.
[after Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.
Ey! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?
Now you know how it feels.
[Cartman starts laughing again]
You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!
All right, all right, who is the freaking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?
Words with venom, words that bind, Words used like weapons to cloud my mind./I'm a person, I'm a man, but no matter how I try,/People just say, "Hey! There's that Nigger Guy."/Everywhere I go it's always the same,/Everyone just thinks of me as that one single name./"Hey Nigger Guy!" "Nigger Guy!" "Hi Nigger Guy!" Stop!/Now go, call me Nigger Guy, fill me with your hate,/Try to bring me down, boop bop you're too late./When will it end? Will there ever be a time/Where I can be thought of as more than just Nigger Guy? [Pause] Respect.
You guys, I got it! Seriously, it's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
Whatcha do to Butters this time?
It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]
Dude!
I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!
Dude, how is putting Butters's wiener in his mouth getting him?
Because that makes Butters gay now!
No, dude, that makes you gay!
Uh, what?
You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
[looks more closely at the picture] Uh-uh.
Yeah-huh!
Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
Ha ha, that makes you totally fucking gay.
But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!
You are now.
No--no, it was a stupid mistake!
Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?
You can't!
No--no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
How?
The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
[in low voice] Really?
Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
[long silence]
Shoot, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]
Idiot.
[Butters is playing with his toys]
[singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...
[Cartman enters the room]
Butters.
Whoa, hey, Eric.
Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.
A surprise? What is it?
It's so buckskin awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
Oh, boy!
You ready?
Y-yeah!
Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!
[Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]
Oh, okay!
[Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]
How come, uh, I can't see?
'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]
Oh, uh, ho, yeah.
[under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.
[warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?
[Pause]
I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]
Okay!
All right, you ready? [grabs Butters's head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.
[the door opens and Butters's dad enters]
Butters!
Uh! [dresses quickly]
Whoa! Hey, Dad!
[Cartman steps down from the toy box and runs away]
Butters! What are you doing?!
I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]
Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes the blindfold off of Butters]
[looks around] Hey. Where did Eric go?
[quite concerned, on ended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?
Like what?
Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.
What's...bi-curious?
You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.
[Butters' mom appears at the doorway]
What's going on, you two?
Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]
[Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters's penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]
Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]
Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]
Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
[throws up the ball] Where's what?
[grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!
Let go of me!
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!
Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
[rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!
I don't have it!
[stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.
Shut up.
You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!
[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]
Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]
[Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble]
Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.
Aw, that's okay, Bradley.
I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.
Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!
You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [smiles, then pauses, horrified] Uh oh! OH, GOD! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! [jumps out of the chair, panicked]
What's the matter?
I-I think I...I think I like you.
Well, I like you too, Bradley!
YOU DO?! You like-like me?!
Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a lot-lot! Hahaha!
Oh, God! We're both unfix-able!
Well, Butters, I guess we might as well go home. Looks like you're never gonna change.
No. I like being bi-curious.
Well, you know something? [kneels down] So do I. [he and his son both chuckle]
[stops chuckling] Wait. Now I am confused.
All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.
Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
