“Trapped in the Closet” quotes from South Park

Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.

Stan

I am?! I didn't know that!

Well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.

Stan

Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!

What?!

Stan

Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.

[knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.

No!

Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.

I'm never coming out!

[to Stan] What did you say to him?

Stan

I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.

Oh boy.

[singing] But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun! [the crowds screams and panics]

Oh geez, here we go with the gun again. [R. Kelly grabs a nearby woman]'

[singing] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come outta DA closet, I'm gonna cap this bitch!

Cartman

Don't be such a Jew, Stan.

Kyle

So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.

Cartman

Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.

Kenny

Hey, yeah!

Stan

No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.

Cartman

Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.

What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!

[to Stan] I'll sue you in England!

Tom? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.

But I'm...I'm not in the closet.

Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.

Tom, come out of the closet. You're not fooling anybody.

You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are going to sue your ass and your balls!