[weighing his options] Hmm. Work for you. Have my penis cut off. Work for you. Have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.
“The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000” · Season 4, Episode 1
In this episode: Eric Cartman (6), Kyle Broflovski (4), Kenny McCormick (2), Stan Marsh (1), Gerald Broflovski (1), Liane (1), Timmy (1)
Do not wake up 'til morning or I will kick you in the nuts. Ooh, in the nuts.
T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
Yes, Eric.
You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well...there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow. And because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
You almost had me for a second there, Mom. Heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either. Heh heh. [She doesn't respond] ...M-Mom?
I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
No, honey. It's just--
How could--? How could you lie to me, mother? Lie right to my face?
Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.
Oh, hello, son.
Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.
Oh my God! You did lie to me!
No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
Peter Pan, too?
Kyle--
What about Moses and Abraham?
Well, they were probably real.
Probably? Is Atlantis real?
Probably not.
[Kyle begins sobbing]
Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.
Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! [leaves and sobs some more]
Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy.
What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?
No, man, that's just a TV show.
[rushs in] You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
What? That your parents lied to you, too?
Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!
How?
Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?
All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!
(Woohoo!)
The kid will never even know.
Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!
Oh my God, what if I'm not real?
We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!
Yeah. [leaves with Stan and Kenny]
I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?
[returns] Come on, Kyle! [grabs him and pulls him along]
What if this is all just somebody's dream?
All right, let's go.
Go! Timm-ay! [shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard]
[howls; he is pulled out of his parka] Aargh!
[laughs] Look, guys! I can see Kenny's little pingling!
AAAnnouncer of the ADA
Fellow dentists! As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth-fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this: a giant half-chicken, half-squirrel, that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also that the creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that it...
FDr. Foley
Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!
AAnnouncer
Well, by all means, Dr. Foley, enlighten us.
FDr. Foley
I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit.
AAnnouncer
[all laughing] Oh, Dr. Foley! You realize how ridiculous that sounds?
FDr. Foley
It's not ridiculous, it's very possible! I've seen it happen before!
AAnnouncer
Where?
FDr. Foley
In Montreal.
AAnnouncer
[more laughing] And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?
FDr. Foley
Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
AAnnouncer
Very well, Dr. Foley! You go on your wild goose chase, and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.
FDr. Foley
I will! [leaves]
AAnnouncer
[laughs] Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3 to 4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable and works as a flotation device.
But you know, I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
[long pause] Tits.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.