Gerald Broflovski quotes from South Park

My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.

Yes, I can tell.

Kyle

Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?

[taken aback] What? Uh, n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.

Kyle

But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?

Penis!

Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my God!

Vagina!

Kyle

Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!

Sheila

What?

Kyle

Dr. Biber said he can give me a Angioplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.

Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be trans racial!

Kyle

Can I have $3,000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?

Sheila

Absolutely not, Kyle!

Kyle

But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.

Sheila

Yes, but Kyle--

Kyle

Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.

Sheila

Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.

Kyle

Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?

Sheila

The answer is no, Kyle! You're not going to have a Angioplasty!

Kyle

But Jews can't play basketball!

Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!

Kyle

[angrily shouts] I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN!!! [storms into his room in a fit of rage]

Maybe we should strip these jackets off and warm our bodies next to each other.

Don't be a fag!

Which cartoon is it? What cartoon will be so insensitive as to have Muhammad as a character?

Who do you think? The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor... Family Guy!

Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?

Change, sir?

Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]

What happened?

[closes his eyes] He's become one of them.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!

Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.

Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]

Well, Kyle?

Kyle

[through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.

Cartman

What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.

Kyle

I'm sorry!

Cartman

You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--

Kyle

I said I'm sorry, you piece of-- [cuts himself off]

Cartman

Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbstruck douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]

Sheila

Oh, thank you, Eric.

Cartman

Thank you. Big-nosed kike!

Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!

Cartman

Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.

[showing up at the Broflovski residence with his family; desperately] Gerald, please help us!

Randy, what happened?

Our house… it has no Internet!

Sheila

[horrified] Oh, my God.

[shaking Gerald, violently] YOUR INTERNET'S NOT WORKING, GERALD! FACE IT!

Kyle

I have to get online before school.

Stan

What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.

Right, Starbucks!

Everyone, get your stuff. We can take my car.

Hey, is your guys' Internet working?

No! Nobody's is!

[exiting his house, holding up his laptop] WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

Jesus, everyone's gotta go to Starbucks now!

Everyone, in the car. We have to beat them there!

How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?!

Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report.

Good idea! [takes out his cellphone] No wait, we can't check Drudge Report! There's no Internet!

There has to be a way to find out what's going on.

We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet!

You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.

Did you call him a fudge packer?

Stan

Aww, he was packing fudge!

Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!

They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?

Stan

It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.

But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.

Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.

Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?

Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!

Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.

That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!

Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...

What?

I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...

I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!

Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.

[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.

Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.

It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...

Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.

Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.

Stan

Ooooo...

That's tricky.

Well then you can just get sued!

Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-

NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!

Butters

"You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or Paypal account for any products purchased in the iTunes store."

Can somebody please explain to me what is going on? [Butters Scrolls down]

Stan

We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to. [Butters Scrolls down again]

There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle.

Butters

Oh Nope. Here it is right here: "by clicking Agree, you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another iTunes user." [Gerald becomes worried]

Stan

Oh Boi

Butters

"Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary, sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole, making you a being that shares one gastral tract." Hmmm, I'm gonna click on... "Decline".

All the windows are barricaded in the back.

Good. Those boards there could use some reinforcement, too. What about the blankets? Do we have enough blankets?

[comes downstairs with seven blankets] I found seven upstairs. Will that be enough?

There should be more in the basement, Sharon.

Stan

Could someone please tell us what's going on?

Nothing, boys. It's just-- Maybe a blizzard on the way, that's all.

Look, are we really gonna keep the kids in the dark about this?

Kyle

About what? You tell us we were all staying at Butters' house, and then you all board up the windows and doors. What's going on?

Tell them, Stephen.

You kids-- You've had the luxury of living in a very peaceful time. When we were kids, things weren't so great. There were countries, corporations, all fighting over which kind of vehicle should be the car of the future. Each week, they would hold a race. They were blood baths. Humanity at its very worst. They were called, the Wacky Races.

A race of different vehicles driven by some of the most insane people on Earth. They'd do whatever they could to stop one another and win.

Every week, it was the same. Completely senseless violence for no apparent reason. We would watch on Saturday mornings. It was unbearable.

I saw a man get his head run over, flattened into the pavement while his dog-- his dog laughed. It laughed! [starts to sob as Linda consoles him]

For whatever reason, the world leaders have decided to bring the Wacky Races back. All we can do is stay inside and wait-- wait for it to be over.

[sobbing] Why did the dog laugh?! Why, Linda?!

Uhm, hi, I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflovski's father?

Have a seat. I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention.

Wh-what's this about, Kyle?

Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me wanna puke. Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow [pounds desk] anyone at this school to be made feel unsafe and harassed!

Wh-wh-what did he say?

You'll have to excuse my language. [picks up a report and clears his throat] "I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero."

This kind of trans-phobic and bigoted hate speech isn't going to fly here, Bro! Well, I thought we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, [quickly stands up] beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind, AND THEN THIS SHIT COMES OUT OF PEOPLE'S MOUTHS!!

[beat] PC Principal, I-I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person, a-and not trying to say anything against—

You got a problem, Mr. Broflovski?

..No...

Bruce Jenner? Oh. Wait a second. Wait a second! Cuz it's not Bruce Jenner!! IT'S CAITLYN!! AND SHE'S A FUCKING STUNNING WOMAN!! Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! HUH!? What's up? What's fucking up, bro?

Look, maybe we can all just ta—

[flips his desk] GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, DUDE!!!

Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.

Huh for what?

Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner. [a hush falls over the table]

Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. She's a hero. She is stunning and brave.

Stunning. She is absolutely beautiful, and an inspiration.

Yup!

Yup, that's right.