[to God] Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!
“Cartmanland” · Season 5, Episode 6
In this episode: Kyle Broflovski (5), Eric Cartman (3), Stan Marsh (3), Sheila (2), Gerald Broflovski (1), Chris (1)
[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Whoa! [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heheheheheh. [he exits the ride and ambles back to the road] Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh.
[in the distance, while Cartman speaks] Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! [the sound of chain-link is heard] Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts!
[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better] What the hell?
Hohohooho! Oowwww!
YOU SONS OF BITCHES! [goes towards the source of the sound]
[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]
Come on, dude!
OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!!
[arriving] What the hell are you doing?!
Aw, crap.
OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! [falls off, but outside the park]
Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle]
[now standing, rubbing his ass] Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!!
Alright, let's go.
[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park] That's right! You stay out!
You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!
My life can't get any worse!
You'll see! We'll get in! [walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]
If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!
What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.
[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]
Dude, are you okay?
[sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?
Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.
I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
Jesus.
But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude.
Kyle, don't say such things!
Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?
Kyle, you just don't understand, it's-
No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!
[Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]
Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! [beat] Kyle?
Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park.
...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but—
(in tears) Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! It doesn't make sense! WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!? Ow!...
Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park?
Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.
CClerk
Welcome to Cartmanland.
[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]
Isn't he getting any better, doctor?
DDoctor
I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]
AAnnouncer
And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.
H1Host 1
[Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.
H2Host 2
And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing.
H1Host 1
Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country.
[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]
WWaitress
I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now.
[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....]
CClerk
No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in.
[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]
AAssociate
[the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out]
[Back to Money Quest...]
H1Host 1
Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.
[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]
Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]
[approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor!
FMr. Fun
My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around!
He sure did.
FMr. Fun
Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this.
Hey, there you are!
FMr. Fun
Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success.
Just give me my money back.
FMr. Fun
What?
I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park.
FMr. Fun
..But it's doing great!
You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!!
FMr. Fun
You bet! I'll go get your money right now! [both leave]
KKid
Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets?
GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.