Mr. Garrison quotes from South Park

Now kids we're going to talk about sexual harassment

Cartman

Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?

No, Cartman, That's not sexual harassment.

Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?

Stan

Juuhachi desu ka?

Juuhachi da ne!

No, goddamn it, it's 18!

Stan

Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.

For the last time, my name is not Garrison-San, all right? And this is not Hat-San! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!

Cartman

Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii da na.

What did he say?!

Stan

He said, Garrison-San sabuchii da na.

Sou desu nee!

Damn it, this is not Japan!

Cartman

Minata! Kite kite, churi! [farts; the class laughs]

Dare ga pu shita no.

ARRGGHHH!!!

[taken aback] That's God?

Yea, it's my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.

The Beginning and the End.

Well, yeah, but that?

What did you expect me to look like, my son?

[thinks for a moment] Well not like that!

Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence? Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy?

Timmiihh!

No, it wasn't you, Timmy.

Do you like having your back rubbed?

[contemptuously] Eat me, pervert.

Okay...

All these men wanted was to love a young boy! There is nothing wrong with love!

I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. Ah! I mean, I like women! Ah! What did I just say?! Oh God, I like titties!

You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. Come on, men! [leads the NAMBLA crowd away]

[sits down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.

All right, sickos, where are the children?!

[confused] What children?

This... is... NAMBLA, right?

Yes.

What?! No! [points to the banner behind him] We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes!

Aw crap, we got the wrong NAMBLA!

Aw dammit, I'm in the wrong place! [walks out]

Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.

Don't apologize for me to that spear-chucker!

What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]

Hello, kids!

Cartman

All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!

Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?

Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.

Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that.

You mean I can't say f[beep]?

No, see, you got beeped.

You mean you have to be a f[beep] to say f[beep]?

Yep.

Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." [he looks shocked as he realizes he didn't get censored]

Hey...you didn't get beeped.

Uh-oh.

Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something?

Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny?

It flies around and it's endangered.

That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore?

Can we do finger paints?

NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo] First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth [he does so] ...and apply. [it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry] And it's as easy as that. Any questions?

Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, [pan to a shot of Mr. Mackey] someone who has a bad opinion of it, [pan to Ms. Choksondik, who nods shamefully] or even a complete pervert! [pan to a shot of Mr. Garrison]

[offended] Wha-?! Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently. [She and Mr. Mackey look lovingly at eachother.]

I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.

Kyle

TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!

But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.

Hi, kids. Hm.

So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.

Cartman

[whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.

Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?

Cartman

No, it was Kenny!

Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!