Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?

Stan

Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?

Oh, well hello there, children.

Stan

Chef, we did something kind of bad.

Oh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell old Chef what's going on.

Stan

We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach.

Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And-

--Wait! What the--WHAT?!

Stan

So what should we do?

Hello there, children.

Stan

Chef, what would a priest want stick in our butts?

Good-bye.

Nobody's going to tell us! This is gonna drive me insane!

Kyle

Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation.

So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?

Stan

Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.

Stanley!

Stan

What? He did!

No, it doesn't work that way, son.

Stan

Yeah, it does.

No, it doesn't.

Stan

Yeah, it does.

Gone...it's all gone.

Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi; you've killed our religion.

No, I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules.

(continuing) You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about: this book. You see, these are just stories. Stories that are meant to help guide people [cut back to Vatican] in the right direction. "Love your neighbor", "be a good person", [cut to the Williams family watching] that's it! And when you start [cut back to Vatican] turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well...well you end up with this.

People are losing faith because they don't see how what [cut to Marsh residence] you've turned the religion into applies to them. They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, [cut to the Tweak residence] and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths!

(distracted) What was that last bit?

Look, I'm proud to be a Catholic, but I'm a Catholic in the real world - in today's world! It's time for you all to do that too. It is time...for change.

He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible, they're just stories to help us live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.

Oh, Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore.

Gang, I think maybe we owe God an apology.

Stan Marsh

Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?

No, it means we get to, son. It means...we get to.

Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...

All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies.

And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."

Stan

[disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?

Cartman

Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.

Kyle

No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.

Stan

That's gay...

Cartman

Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Caribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--

Stan

Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.

Cartman

No, he has an icy heart.

Kyle

But you can't melt ice with a cool song, retard.

Stan

So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.

Cartman

But it's a cool island song.

Kyle

Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.

Cartman

Oh, do we wanna do that?

ALL RIGHT, that does it!

Stan

A-tah! Ah, a-tah!

Hey there, son.

Stan

(Turns around) Ohh! A-tah, a-tah!

Yes, a-tah. Let's have a talk, Stan.

Stan

Ah.

Stan, as you get older, boobs, these "a-tah", will start becoming a major part of your life.

Stan

A-tah?

But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There're a lot of boobs out there son, but they're just boobs. Your friends are forever.

Stan

Friends...a-tah.

I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, some day, (puts an arm around a smiling Sharon) you'll meet a pair of boobs you want to marry - and those become the boobs that matter the most.

I love you.

If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all.

Cartman

[the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So, Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're going to miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.

Kyle

Me?! But I've been here from the beginning!

Cartman

And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...

Stan

Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.

Cartman

[whining] Please?

Stan

No!

Cartman

All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweak's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.

Kyle

No way, dude, Tweak's cool.

Stan

Yeah!

Cartman

Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?

Bebe

Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.

Cartman

[furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Fuck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]

Stan

Dude. This is worse than Child Tracker.

It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.

Right, do what you would normally do.

Kyle

[awkwardly] You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.

Cartman

[just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.

Sheila

What-what-WHAT?!

Kyle

Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?

Cartman

I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.

Kyle

Maybe you've got brain cancer.

Cartman

You think?!

Stan

Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.

Stan

We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]

Butters

Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Kyle

The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!

Butters

But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!

Cartman

Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!

Butters

RAAGH!!

Kyle

Butters!! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!

Butters

Well then... then let me go with you.

Kyle

Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.

Butters

Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, humping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...

Kyle

Butters, what the hell are you doing!?!

Butters

Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...

Kyle

GET THE HELL OFF ME!! You're a freak, Butters!! You can't play with us!

Butters

Let me have the tape!

Stan

No, we have to return it! [all leave]

Butters

My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious....

Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lard butt" or "fat tits"--

Kyle

Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.

Stan

Yeah, we'll have to remember that.

But, I'm a psychic.

Stan

No, dude. You're a douche.

I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?

Stan

Then you're a stupid douche.

I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.

Stan

I'm 9 years old.

I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm going to call the police!

Stan

You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!

You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!

Stan

I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.

Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?

Stan

Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!