“Free Hat” quotes from South Park (Season 6, Episode 9) ... TV Quotes Database

“Free Hat” · Season 6, Episode 9

In this episode: Eric Cartman (3), Stan Marsh (2), Kyle Broflovski (2), Tweek (2), Skeeter (1)

AAnnouncer

Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...

[a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]

AAnnouncer

All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies.

AAnnouncer

And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."

Stan

[disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?

Cartman

Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.

Kyle

No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.

Stan

That's gay...

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AAnnouncer

Coming this summer...it's the motion picture that changed America...

[a trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]

AAnnouncer

The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES." And all the guns have been replaced by walkie talkies.

[shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies]

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[a banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]

AAnnouncer

The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.

[the kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]

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[On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]

HHost

Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.

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Cartman

Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Caribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--

Stan

Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.

Cartman

No, he has an icy heart.

Kyle

But you can't melt ice with a cool song, retard.

Stan

So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.

Cartman

But it's a cool island song.

Kyle

Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.

Cartman

Oh, do we wanna do that?

GLGeorge Lucas

ALL RIGHT, that does it!

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M1Man 1

Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!

MMembers

Yeah!

TTweek

No!

SSkeeter

No?

M2Man 2

No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.

WWoman

Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?

M3Man 3

Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.

M4Man 4

That's it!

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[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]

TTweek

[from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!

SSpielberg

The kid? The Tweaked-out kid?!

TTweek

[leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.

SSpielberg

Your persistence surprises even me.

CCoppola

Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.

TTweek

That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.