Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

What a dick.

S7 E1 Cancelled

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[an alien satellite dish has fully expanded from within Cartman's ass]

Are you okay?

Dude.... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.

CChef

Well, doctor?

PProctologist

I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream....

[the dish immediately re-enters Cartman at high speed]

Stan

You alright?

You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!

S7 E1 Cancelled

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[after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a Wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]

Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]

Cartman!

Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [Hits Kyle two more times]

You want to kill me, fine! [Turns around] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! [Cartman initially hesitates] What are you waiting for?! Do it!

[Hits Kyle several more times] Won't be long now, Kyle. [Keeps hitting Kyle. Stan and Kenny come up in a paddle boat]

Stan

Cartman, what're you doing?

I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.

S7 E3 Toilet Paper

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Stan

You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.

Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas Des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.

I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?

Stan

Yes, dude!

S7 E3 Toilet Paper

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[beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]

[smacks Cartman] Oh, no, you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on ass while the rest of us do all the work!

Well you guys are such better studiers than me, I know you can pull it off!

Stan

[pointing] You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!

Maaaa. M-maaaa.

[annoyed] Shut up and study!

Maaaa, Mah mah M-maaaa!

[irritated] SHUT UP, FATASS!!

[gets angry now after being called fat] DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [leap across the desk at Kyle, and they immediately started fighting. Stan and Kenny join in, the other kids start cheering]

GMr. Garrison

HEY, HEY!!! STOP THAT FIGHTING, RIGHT NOW!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CLASSROOM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

God damn it!

[celebrates] Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! We've got out of schoooool! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!

OH IT'S MY FAULT?! IT'S MY FAULT?!?!?!

YES, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOUR A LAZY PRICK!!

OH YEAH?! WELL AT LEAST WE'VE GOT OUT OF SCHOOL SO WE CAN HAVE A-

SHUT UP!!!

[Cartman and Kyle started to argue, Stan later joins in the argument, while Kenny watches]

Stan

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED SLACKING OFF!!!

S7 E4 I'm A Little Bit Country

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[Cartman's house, night. The front door opens and in a walk of Stan and Kenny]

Stan

Cartman? Hello?

[there's debris all over the living room. The boys arrive at Cartman hanging from a candy-cane colored swing set with the swings removed. Beneath him is a tub of water. Cartman has it rigged so that he pulls a string, which releases him and at the same time triggers a sledgehammer, which hits a box, which is supposed to land in the tub with him.]

Ah, Stan, Kenny, you're just in time.

Stan

[shocked] Dude, what are you doing?

I am just about to flash back to the days of our Founding Fathers!

Kenny

(That's a great idea!)

Stan

Hold on. How are you supposed to have an flashback, when you're about to commit suicide?

I have programmed TiVo to record over fifty hours of the History channel. When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electrowhatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history!

Stan

Uh Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea.

Or a really sweet one. [a bell is heard]

TTivo

Your Tivo is full.

Whoa, here it goes! [triggers the sledgehammer as he falls. Both he and the TiVo land in the tub, and the house shorts out. Cartman is electrocuted as he lands in the water. Stan spend a few seconds in the darkness looking at Cartman, wondering if he'll come to. Kenny turns and walks away slowly]

Stan

Cartman? [no response] Cartman? Oh crap.....

S7 E4 I'm A Little Bit Country

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[the boys, as part of their first assignment as actual policemen, are performing a raid on a meth lab, walking up the driveway to the premises]

What is a "meth lab", anyway?

Stan

I don't know, let's just hurry up, I wanna get home in time to watch Crime Drama.

[Interior scene, meth lab. Four drug dealers can be seen; two are working, one is cleaning a shotgun, and one is tying off his arm, injecting something.]

[Exterior scene, the boys walk up to the front door and Stan knocks.]

[Back inside, the drug dealers grab nearby guns and get ready.]

Stan

Uh, police, open up. [aside to others] Oh crap, did you guys do your math homework?

No, dude, I totally spaced it.

[Suddenly, gunshots ring out from the lab, shattering a window. The boys take cover.]

D1Dealer 1

YOU DIE, PIGS! [fire more shots] YOU WANNA DIE, HUH?!

[Cut to inside, where the dealer is firing from an assault rifle. He loses control of his gun and accidentally shoots some chemicals, which ignite and light another drug dealer on fire, who runs out of the house screaming in agony as the boys watch speechless. A pickup truck with two other drug dealers then smashes through the garage door, with one of the dealers firing at the boys.]

D2Dealer 2

You won't take us alive!

[The pickup truck drives off of a ramp, lands on its left side on the road, is T-boned by a UPS truck, which is then hit by a passenger car, causing an explosion and the occupants of the involved vehicles running around screaming and on fire. As the boys look on, they notice the last drug dealer escaping in a small prop plane.]

D3Dealer 3

So long, coppers!

[The plane's fuel guage shows the plane is out of fuel.]

D3Dealer 3

Oh, shit! [screams]

[The unpowered plane quickly loses altitude and crashes into South Park's post office, destroying it and severely damaging several surrounding buildings. Bystanders caught in the explosion are seen running on fire and screaming. The boys simply stare in shock.]

Stan

Damn.

[Interior scene, police station. Lt. Dawson is reading the boys the riot act.]

LDLt. Dawson

One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand dollars, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand dollars! The mayor's going to have my ass!

Stan

Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the--

LDLt. Dawson

You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!

We're sorry.

LDLt. Dawson

One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!

S7 E6 Lil' Crime Stoppers

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[the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their clothes]

MOfficer Murphy

Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.

[the officers begin to giggle]

JOfficer Jenkins

Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joe's?

HOfficer Hopkins

Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.

MOfficer Murphy

Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?

Uh, bonus?

MOfficer Murphy

Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're going to waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?

Stan

[softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.

MOfficer Murphy

Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?

JOfficer Jenkins

Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!

HOfficer Hopkins

I said, back off, Murphy!

MOfficer Murphy

Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?

JOfficer Jenkins

That's right. Come on, bring it!

3Officer 3

Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!

LDLt. Dawson

What the heck is the problem here?!

MOfficer Murphy

No problem, sir. No problem at all.

LDLt. Dawson

Then hit the showers, all of ya!

S7 E6 Lil' Crime Stoppers

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Stan

You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.

Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.

Stan

A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!

Stan? Okay?

Stan

What???

All right? Stan? Okay?

Stan

You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans!

Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! I'm sorry, Native Americans.

S7 E7 Red Man's Greed

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Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.

Stan

No Dad, No!