[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]
StanDude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.
[he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.
[enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.
Stan
The principal? Aw, come on!
We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!
She needs to see you now. [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]
Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.
[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]
Stan
Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]
Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.
[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]
Stan
Well, how sick?
CChef
Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.
Stan
[after a pause] ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?
Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]
Stan
Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.
They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.
Wait. Kenny's going to die?
Stan
[tearing up] ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend.
We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.
Stan
No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]
Stan
Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend?
CChef
There, there, Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago - he just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?
Stan
Then why does God give us anything to start with?
CChef
Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.
Stan
I think I understand.
Damn it, Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your butt till you're deader than Kenny!
Stan
Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?
22.3 years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.
Wugh, that's a long time to wait.
Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...
Stan
And then what?
...and then you pee on them!
[Cartman starts peeing on Butters]
No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make them pee!
[Cartman continues peeing on Butters]
Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.
Stan
Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!
[silence]
You don't even know Heather!
Stan
I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
[An old man walks into the shot]
OMOld Man
The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died going down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichita Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.
[silence]
Stan
Thank you.
Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!
[still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom.
Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!
Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.
Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!
Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!
[with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]
Serves me right! Putting balls on my chin and lying about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]
Stan
[on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?
Stan
Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.
Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?
Stan
I- told them where to find you.
What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not being a real freak!
Stan
Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]
[Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window]
Stan
Psst, Cartman.
[in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
Stan
Cartman, wake up!
What the hell are you guys doing?
Stan
We're going to go save the baby cows, fatass.
'Cause they're going to get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
Stan
We can't let them die, douche-bag. You're our friend.
Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering play set!
Stan
Damn it, Butters! Will you shut up?!
Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible play set!
Stan
Yes we do!
Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]
Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Okay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.
Stan
Go on, dude it's the only way.
Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.
Stan
Just do it really fast, and we can go.
No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman farts in his face]
Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]
[laughs uproariously] Oh, man, that was Soho awesome!
Sick! I felt it on my face!
Stan
Okay, very funny, Cartman, now come on!
Well, I'm not going with you!
[Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]
[When Stan locks himself in his room with Kyle, Cartman, and Kyle, and the calves after he refused to give Rancher Bob his calves...]
[pounds on the door, trying to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!
Stan
No!
Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
Stan
You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer!
Stan
Kiss my ass!
Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
You're getting in pretty deep, dude.
He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.
It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.
We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
Thank God we stopped it in time.
Stan
Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.
All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.
Aw, we're still grounded?
But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.
Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.
That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.
Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?
Stan
We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?
I'm sure! There's no way!
Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
[glares at Butters] Oh, god damn it, you better be kidding!
No, I really don't have a babysitter.
The boys have decided to cut Butters off from their friend group. They dress formally and "fire" him like in an office.
I'm afraid we going to have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...
Stan
Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.
[explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank...I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
Stan
Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
Stan
Oh.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
