S4Model Misbehavior
Oh and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him until he gets out of rehab.
[Cutaway to Cookie Monster from Sesame Street reading a book in Rehab, Until the Rehab doctor and assistants enter the room.]
RDRehab Doctor
Contraband check. [They find a plate of cookies.] What are these?
CMCookie Monster
I don't know.
RDRehab Doctor
What do you mean you don't know?
CMCookie Monster
I-I don't know how they got here.
RDRehab Doctor
Well I think you do Know.
CMCookie Monster
No, no... Uh... Derek was in here earlier... Um... he was making the beds. He probably put them... I was in the John.
[Due to his cookie addiction, he proceeds to go crazy and eat all the cookies on the plate. He is now being held down by assistants on the bed while screaming and kicking.]
CMCookie Monster
YOU GUYS ARE NAZIS, MAN! YOU'RE FREAKING NAZIS!! AAAH!!!
RDRehab Doctor
[sedates him, putting him to sleep.] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
S4Peter's Got Woods
[reads The Da Vinci Code] Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.
[cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]
[gasps] Where's Daddy? [covers eyes]
What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. [starts picking his nose]
[removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!
Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my-- [Peter covers his eyes again] Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.
S4The Perfect Castaway
[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]
We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.
[Peter eats something]
You bastard! You have food?!
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
[he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]
Peter! You've been eating my legs?!
Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree.
[Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire exit their cruise ship and return to Quahog]
Well, that was a great cruise.
Yeah. The buffet was great!
And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet.
[two men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]
MMan
Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital.
UUlrich
[to Cleveland; in pain and anger] You bastard!
There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.
S4Jungle Love
UUnemployer
Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.
Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.
[cut to two doctors in a small window]
DDoctor
Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. [screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]
I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- [turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam] Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were...
Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.
[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]
Dad? What the hell are you doing!?
[drunk] Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants?
S4PTV
[Peter and Brian watch TV]
AAnnouncer
And now, stay tuned for Three's Company.
[the television shows Three's Company]
CChrissy
Jack, are you out there? I wanna show you my new bikini.
[her top is blacked out]
What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the good stuff?
[he switches to another station showing The Dick Van Dyke Show, with "Dick" and "Dyke" crossed out in the title]
AAnnouncer
It's The [bleep] Van [bleep] Show, starring [bleep] Van [bleep].
They're messin' with my shows!
Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
[flashback to said episode of said program]
RRalph
One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...!
DVDubbed voice
[over Ralph's line: "Pow! Right to the moon!"] I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.
[back to the present]
This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant.
What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot! Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this!
[Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]
Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.
[he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns down a cross in front of George's house]
AArchie
Time for you to move there, Jefferson!
EEdith
Oh, Archie! I can't see outta my sheet!
AArchie
Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus!
[cut back to PTV]
And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?
[he shows a clip of said episode of The Waltons]
MEMary Ellen
Good night, Jim-Bob.
JBJim-Bob
Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa.
PPa
Good night, Jim-Bob. Good night, Elizabeth.
EElizabeth
Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma.
MMa
Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. [silence] Good night, John-Boy.
[she walks up to John-Boy's door and opens it]
JBJohn-Boy
Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?
S4Brian Goes Back to College
[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]
Okay! [heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]
You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"
S4The Courtship of Stewie's Father
We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie?
[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]
Everybody looks like ants!
Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.
Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls it] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer!
[Lois furiously comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]
Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner?
Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up.
Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood.
Are ya sure? [leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Where he at?!
Where he at?!
Where he at?!
Where he at?!
Now, there he go!
There he go!
There he go!
There he go!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. [leaves]
[continues singing and dancing] Do the Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
S4The Fat Guy Strangler
[Lois is watching The Price Is Right on TV]
BBarker
All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?
JJennifer
Um... $675, Bob.
TTammy
What was the last bid?
[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]
Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.
Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.
Wait a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?
[both laugh]
I don't know, man! It's his wife!
You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?
[laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up! [laughs]
You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles!
[both laugh]
If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak!
[both laugh harder]
S4The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz
AAnnouncer
And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island".
[in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water]
MMark
You think we should be this far out?
OMOther Man
Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.
JJaws
[sounds like Bruce] Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (hums his theme) Oh, now wait a minute, I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. [eats the two men] Mmm, yummy. Mmm.
