TV show quotes
[prays to Fonzie] Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign.
[the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; inside comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]
Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks.
[amazed] It sure is! Fonzie be praised!
[at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]
I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items.
That's fine.
No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. [Stewie, behind him in line, sighs] 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay. I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. [dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]
[after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!
I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control.
You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something's is really, really funny?
[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith]
Well, Hope, I don't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits.
Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking power. It's sneezing powder.
[Stewie laughing]
But, I already bought a whole batch to the church bake sale.
[Stewie laughing]
No wonder that priest kept saying "Bless you".
[Stewie laughing]
[cut back to Stewie and Brian]
Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. [voice breaks] You matter big time... [runs off]
All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do - by taking steroids!
[Brian has finished showering, and walks to the door with a towel wrapped around him. He opens the door to see Stewie holding a glass of orange juice.
Stewie. Uh, hey.
Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money?
Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you.
Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.
Yeah, I don't have it. Sorry.
Oh. Well, alright then. [drinks his orange juice] Mmm, that's good OJ. [angrily smashes the glass on Brian's head, causing him to scream in pain with eyes bleeding] Yeah, that hurt?! That hurt?!
What the hell?!
Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? [punches Brian and throws him aside] Yeah, that's what happens, man!
Oh, my god!
Yeah, that's what happens! [punches Brian twice] Where's my money?! Ya gonna give me my money?! Where's the money, man! [grabs the towel rack and beats Brian up with it] Where's the money?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! [pulls Brian to the toilet and dunks his head in, hits him with the toilet lid] Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! [throws him out of the toilet, Brian coughs blood and water] You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till five o'clock!
You freakin' psychopath!
[tosses the towel to Brian and leaves] Yeah, clean yourself up.
[scene from "Wheel of Fortune"]
All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations.
Thanks, Regis.
Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.
Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.
Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.
Is it Alex Karras in Webster? [the whole puzzle is revealed]
(in the state of shock) I...don't...believe it.
Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!
Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
That's you.
Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
[at home]
Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!
I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".
[cut to "Jeopardy!"]
All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]
Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.
[taking a pregnancy test] Okay, 1 more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.
Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
That's Street Fighter.
Red, blue, green...
Those are colors.
(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.
Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
Chris, we all love your hat.
Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?
Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]
Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like.
Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.
[within the shadows] You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.
Uh, okay.
Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights.
[recognizing him] Kermit the Frog?
[gasps] Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! [flees from the scene] YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
What's his appeal?
Alright, let's get out of here.
Oh, God, l feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.
[Cut to Stewie's said cousin on the couch with Katie Holmes]
l'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!
[after a car crashes into his house] Wow, you know, from the other side that's kind of annoying.
Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.
She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them.
What? Kick them around?
Um, wait...yes.
[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]
Matthew McConaughey?
Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie.
[Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]
Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing.
But I...
Grab his legs!
[Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
