TV show quotes
[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]
No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.
[Cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]
Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,
Whether you're white or bronze!
A man can wash another man
In the merry old land of Oz!
[sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?
Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.
What do you need a seeing eye dog for?
Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.
[cut to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]
We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. [Peter walks into the lair]
Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.
Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
[Cutaway to hospital]
I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life.
Oh, my God...
[laughs] No, no, no, I'm just kidding! She's dead!
Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.
[cut to a scene from The Wizard of Oz. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]
Oh, oh, look what happened by accident.
Your wife's cheatin' on ya.
What?!
Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!".
Uh, Peter...
Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... [imitates Loretta] "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
[switch to Bamm-Bamm Rubble]
[bangs his club] Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! [stops] You wanna take it from here, Emeril?
[switch to Emeril Lagasse]
Bam!
So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts?
All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.
[he puts on a Quagmire mask]
Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!
[Cleveland laughs]
Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta!
[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]
What the hell?
[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]
Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!
My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white!
Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... YEEEAAAAHHH! IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that.
I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence--
Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. Look, I know I screwed up big time. But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say?
Are you kidding? You're a monster! In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free.
Does that mean I get my kids back?
Absolutely not! Case closed! [bangs his gavel]
Oh, crap! [to the judge] Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison.
Aw, I already banged the hammer!
[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]
Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. (realizes what he just said): Ugh, even I found that to be in bad taste.
Glenn, would you feed Mittens?
Mittens has food in his bowl!
That's old food! [Mittens meows]
Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP!
Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!
Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone!
All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles] Okay, here we go. [short pause] How's everybody doing?
Good. Good so far.
All right, all right.
Nothing yet.
Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- [starts vomiting]
Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- [starts vomiting]
[feels his upset stomach] I'm starting to feel funny.
Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- [starts vomiting]
Oh, boy! [gets up] That means I win! I get to eat the-- [starts vomiting]
[vomits again] Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- [vomits again]
Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- [vomits again]
No, please...no more...no more, no-- [vomits again]
Dad, I'm scared... [vomits again]
Get the phone, call 911-- [vomits again]
Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- [vomits again]
Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- [vomits again]
I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- [vomits again]
Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears--
[Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]
[enters with a pot] Who wants chowder?
[Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]
[in tears] I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me!
He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just - lemme just hold you for a while...
[the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Liddane's left breast; Liddane reacts, then slaps Stewie]
Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no! No!
But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... [wails like a normal baby]
No more TV!
Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun!
Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids.
[cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]
Hi there, how y'all doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- [the kids stare at him] Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- [hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed] Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler?
Dying hurts...
Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying?
I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same ol' routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like there was a secret hole in me.
Quagmire [in the background]: Oh, God!
...And I was tryna fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things...
Oh, God!
...And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
OH GOD!!!
I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
That one is also sexual. [walks away happily]
So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat.
Are you calling me gay?
No, no. I just - I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on - on - on your poopdeck. [Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair].
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
