BBBitch Brian
Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid.
S8Quagmire's Baby
S8Jerome is the New Black
[shows off a parrot] I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful?
[to the parrot] Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple!
PParrot
Cripple!
DAMN IT!
I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. [sighs] Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak.
S8Dog Gone
[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]
Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Join me for what?
No, PETA, the organization.
What organization?
PETA.
What?!
PETA is an acronym, Peter.
No, I'm not. I'm Catholic!
Are we doing this?
No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Someone is having a rally for me now?
No, for PETA.
That's me! I'm Peter!
I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA.
Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy!
I think Betty White is in PETA.
That doesn't even make any sense!
S8Business Guy
Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. [flips page] The African-American heart monitor.
[cut to a scene at a hospital]
MMonitor
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... [monitor stops] Aw, he dead.
Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever!
Why would you do that?
'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper.
[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]
HHHamburger Helper
Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family?
Sure!
HHHamburger Helper
Okay, then let's...
[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]
CHCheeseburger Helper
Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better!
Oh, really?
CHCheeseburger Helper
You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese?
What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing.
CHCheeseburger Helper
[shouting angrily] No! It won't be the same!
HHHamburger Helper
[to Peter] Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him.
Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing.
HHHamburger Helper
I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food.
Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on.
CHCheeseburger Helper
[skipping merrily away] Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay!
[to Hamburger Helper] I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother.
S8Big Man on Hippocampus
[Peter has amnesia]
Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son.
Never seen you before in my life.
Really? Then I must be invisible! [takes off his clothes and runs outside] Hey, everybody! I'm invisible!
Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!
Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.
Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.
You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Yay!
Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.
Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
That's your sense of humor?!
I was just kidding! God!
Meg, that's awful!
Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?
That's messed up, Meg.
I was just trying to be funny.
That wasn't funny, that was just dark.
Yeah, that's your father!
[shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!
Heh, heh, heh.
S8Dial Meg for Murder
[Seeing Meg's new appearance]
Meg! You look so different!
How was prison?
First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house?
Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction-
[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]
My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?
[lifting his hand up] I know my way around a joke- [Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]
For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life!
There better be beer in the fridge. [Meg leaves the room]
Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website.
[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]
WWoman
I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face.
[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]
MMan
I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor.
[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]
MSMale Student
We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside?
[Lois enters Meg's room]
Meg, honey? I did all your laundry.
[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]
Oh, my God, what is that smell?
[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]
It's my poop bucket.
What the hell!?
I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room.
That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else!
No.
Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it?
I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips.
[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket] Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper?
Yeah, and I think I might need some right now!
[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]
Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden!
S8Extra Large Medium
Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day.
That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts.
[cut to the park ranger at the forest]
PRPark Ranger
We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.
[Joe and three other cops in the background]
All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies.
EEllen
Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself.
Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do?
EEllen
That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska.
S8Go Stewie Go
[On the Jolly Farm set]
RRandall
Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse!
JJulie
(to Stewie) It's okay. Randall's just getting into character.
Is he playing a dick?
Meg, honey, I think we need to talk.
I don't wanna talk to you. Get out!
Look, I understand that you're upset.
You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that?
I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you.
Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.
Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him.
You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. [She rips a tooth out]
Oh, my God!
He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room!
Well, when you're ready to talk...
S8Peter-assment
If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.