Family Guy quotes

Peter

You know somethin', Brian? I bet you'll make the late-night monologues.

I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it my style".

Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purses. But Lauren carries one... in her pants.

Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. She gave that dog a bone, and... he gave it right back!

Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!

Peter

So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show...you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

Dear Red, if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to go a little further. You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?

FUCK!

[narrating] It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang: Beast-Man, Mer-Man, and for some reason, Norm from Cheers.

Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

[pulls out his switchblade] Now get lost. We'll take it from here.

[gasps] The king!

The king is here!

I didn't vote for him!

What the hell? What's happened to us?

Stewie

I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.

Look! There's our house!

Stewie

[laughing] Look how gaily we run!

Whoa, this is trippy.

Stewie

I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe.

Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV.

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! Yay! Those shows existed!

Stewie

How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?

Fuck you!

Stewie

Bye!

That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off.

Quagmire

See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?

Have you made a reservation, Peter?

Peter

Uh... yeah! I did it before her!

Who did you talk to?

Peter

Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio?

Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years!

Peter

Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times.

You saw Cops and Robbersons?

And My Stepmother Is an Alien?

Peter

Almost all of them.

Peter

Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

[after the breakup] You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.

[about to set them on the dresser] Here?

No. The davenport- the chesterfield.

[about to set them on the cushioned bench] On this?

No. Does that look like a divan to you?

[about to set them on the windowsill] Here?

[sighs] Leave them on the chifferobe.

[frustrated] You know what? Just take your fuckin' keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. [slams door]

Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.

Lois

Oh, that's terrible.

I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.

Peter

Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.

Allahu Akbar! [crashes]

Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!

Tom

[from outside the room] I don't care, son. I just do not care.

Peter

Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby.

Giggity?

Quagmire

Oooh, I say that...