TV show quotes
Oh my God, that was so much fun!
You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot!
[Peter grabs Joe's gun, cocks it, then shoots himself in the mouth. The scene cuts to a close-up of Peter's face]
Peter? Peter?
Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
It's the best show you're not watching!
I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.
[cutaway to Hitler juggling on a unicycle]
[Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble are attending the Quahog Men's Club]
Boy, great party, huh Fred?
Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I oughta tell you this. I was walkin' by your house the other day, and, uh, I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressin'. Uh, she saw me there, but she didn't stop.
What?
She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there, lookin' at her, and kept undressin'.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you serious?
Yeah. I got an e-rock-tion.
You know, people often ask me why there are so many pop culture references on the show. Well, I'll tell you. Family Guy likes to hold a mirror up to society and say "Society, you're ugly and we don't like a lot of what you're doing". Here's just a small sampling of our distaste.
Well, we hope you've enjoyed this look back at the first 100 episodes of Family Guy. [holding up a glass] And here's the next 100. [a little bit agitated] And hopefully we won't get cancelled for two and a half fucking years in the middle again! [smiling] Good night, America!
Stewie... did you... did you kill Lois?
Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep! [his head turns 90º slowly and creepily as he talks]
[freaked out] My God... you did it! You actually did it!
Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?
You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Good luck proving that, Brian! Now, seriously, that number?
Well, I am gonna expose you for what you are! No matter what it takes! You are gonna pay for this! [leaves]
You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room.
[cut to Meg]
I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
Mr. Foreman, how say you?
We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]
OH, YEAH! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]
Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.
I'll be as big as I should have been on American Idol.
[cutaway to Stewie trying to sing a song in front of the American Idol judges]
I don't mind not knowing
What I'm heading for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in He-a-van
When I'm lost in your eyes
Stewie, what the hell was that?
[nervously] That was, uh, "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson.
One of the worst I've ever heard.
...Okay.
Stewie, you shouldn't even actually be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face.
...Alright.
Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.
Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you for me, man. That was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What're you doin', Stewie?
[he exits the room in tears] I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' 'bout! Next time they hear about me, they - they - they's gonna be like, "We was wrong 'bout Stewie"! 'Cause, 'cause I's gonna be huge! I - I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!
You recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them?
Yeah?
Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.
Yeah? How'd that go?
Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world...yet.
So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?
Yes, that's correct.
So, it was sorta like a dream?
No, it was a simulation.
Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean... you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?
Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.
I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way. [He leaves]
Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen -[the screen goes black like he described]
Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?
Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!
He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!
Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.
They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!
Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
[sings] Well, I guess everything's back to normal!
Oh, man. Not this guy again!
[sings] Oh, man, not this guy again!
[Peter farts]
[sings] Fart!
[during Meg and Michael's date, Michael notices a familiar face]
What the hell?
What's wrong?
Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.
What? Where?
Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kinda disguise.
[Meg turns around and notices Peter in a Chinese disguise]
Oh, my God! Dad!
[she and Michael approach Peter]
What do you think you're doing?!
[Chinese accent] Peter? Who Peter?
I didn't say Peter. I said Dad!
[normally] Oh.
Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?!
Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny!
Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship, I don't see how it can work out.
But, Michael.
I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you.
[he leaves]
See? Look, Meg. He just walked out on ya. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.
Look, Why don't you just talk to him? Ya might find out he's not so bad.
Alright, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me. And right now, it's telling me I have...
INDIGESTION!
But, I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got...
DIARRHEA!
[Stewie, as Zac Sawyer, has won the respect of the popular kids]
Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.
[cut to Will Smith recording a rap song]
Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,
I take 'em to the park,
Or maybe a museum,
And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready!
Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what?!
Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job
So you can help pay for school supplies!
A-whoo-hoo! Say "Hoooo!"
Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house.
Someone just clean that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!
[Peter crashes his car into a tree, while a canoe passes by]
Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
Stop mocking me!
Not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.
Oh, come on!
You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.
[Peter takes his clothes off and hands them to Woods; he and Woods give Joe a confused look]
What? You don't all wear a poop sack? [angrily] DAMN IT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
