[Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]
LLetterman
Wait a minute. You're not James Woods.
Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
WWoods
[at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?
LLetterman
Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?
Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie comin' out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11th, 2000-Fun.
[the studio audience gasps]
WWoods
No, no, no, no, no!
LLetterman
James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane! And I go, "Come on"! You know, it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
LLetterman
James, I don't wanna hear anymore about this.
And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
WWoods
What?! I would never work with David Spade! That... dwarf! That... skinny chickenshit!
TTV
We now return to "Damn Nature, You Scary!" on BET.
AAnnouncer
[as a cheetah runs] Damn, that muthafucka' run fast! You see that shit?! That thing come by my house, I kill it! [the cheetah sees a meerkat, catches it, and eats it] That lil' rat-lookin' thing just got ate! Damn, nature! You scary!
All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple days, so I wanna lay down a few ground rules: no cussin', clean ya plates, and only a half-hour of radio and then it's off to bed.
And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in ya penis.
[Brian is trying to learn magic to impress a woman]
Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!
Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
[Peter comes into the bar with the parrot on his shoulder]
Hey, guys, what's going on?
That thing don't bite, do it?
Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.
PParrot
Pick a lane, bitch!
Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
PParrot
I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle?
[Peter laughs]
PParrot
I had a gay experience at camp!
[uncomfortable] Uh, yeah, I had the radio on in the car and they were talking about some crazy stuff... So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?
[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]
Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Yeah, she broke up with me.
Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Well, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they show it by- y- never mind.
[At the bookstore, Brian is complaining about his love life]
Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911!"
[cut to Horton the Elephant sitting in a chair reading a book. From another room, we hear a couple arguing]
MMan
You think it's easy workin' all day?!
MMan
You think I like it?!
WWoman
I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!
MMan
No, I- yeah, I like bein' away from you, 'cause I can't stand lookin' at you!
WWoman
You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]
MMan
Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!?!
WWoman
NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]
MMan
I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU! YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU!
HHorton
[continues reading] I'm sure there's two sides to this.
You seem like a nice guy. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight?
Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.
Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.
[cut to said clip]
MMoviefone
Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
MMoviefone
I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
MMatlin
[impatiently] The Last Mimzy.
MMoviefone
You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.
MMoviefone
You have confirmed 300.
MMort
I wanna get back on the motorcycle.
[sighing] I told you it's out of gas.
MMort
Why isn't the time machine working?!
MMort
I hate it here! I hate this goddamn place! It's all a bunch of shit! It's all a bunch of goddamn shit!
MMort
[furiously] No! Fuck you, Stewie! I'm a Jew in Nazi occupied Europe! FUCK YOU! FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU!
MMort
This is a bunch of shit!
Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up! Alright, just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you! You know, we could just leave you here!
MMort
Yeah, right! Just leave me here, that's great! We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish!
Oh, I've noticed. Helen Keller would notice.
Don't you mean your assneck?
MMort
Shut up, that's a real thing!
[Adolf Hitler and a few Nazi soldiers capture Stewie, Brian, and Mort]
HHitler
This filth is making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the soldiers cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...
HHitler
Unless they can sing a charming musical number.
[Stewie and Brian smile at each other as the music starts playing. A pair of hats and canes are tossed at them]
SBStewie & Brian
Whenever-
MMort
[stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get on the fuckin' time machine?!
CCarl
Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? That box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome.
Yeah! But you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the 3rd one?
Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending 3 movies walking there?
CCarl
Well, that's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest.
I'm not arguing that with you. I'm just saying there's a hole in the story.
CCarl
Did you like the movie?
Well, that's not the point.
CCarl
Did you like the movie?
Of course. I love the movie. But look. I'm no writer. But if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it.
CCarl
So, you didn't like the eagle?
No, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.
CCarl
Oh. Have you ever seen Krull?
CCarl
Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.
Ah! Aah! What is that?! What is that?! I feel somethin'!
It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.
I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared -[vomits on Brian]
Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
[the New Brian is sitting on the couch with a slice of pie; Stewie comes up and sits down next to him]
Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't pie without Cool Hwhip.
[Stewie doesn't get a reaction from the New Brian]
Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.
[Still no reaction.]
Did you hear what I said?
NBNew Brian
Yeah, what about it?
It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"
NBNew Brian
No, why would it?
Cool Hwhip. I'm emphasizing the H.
NBNew Brian
Sounds right to me.
Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
NBNew Brian
No, not really. I like everything.
God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
[the camera widens to reveal Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and the New Brian]
KKillington
Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
KKillington
Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company...
[Stewie groans]
