Principal Skinner quotes from The Simpsons

Principal Skinner

Darn! They're very slowly getting away!

Looks like they're headed for the old mill!

Principal Skinner

No they're not.

Well, let's go to the old mill anyway! Get some cider!

You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.

Principal Skinner

What is it with you kids and that word? [grabs Milhouse] I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege.

Seymour? You're fired!

Principal Skinner

I'm sorry, di-did you just call me a liar?

No, I said you were fired.

Principal Skinner

Oh. That's much worse.

Principal Skinner

Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the Great American Novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."

Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. And then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like! Didn't you think this through?...[fade to later]... was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had it...[fade to later]...most popular movies of all time, sir! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! [Skinner hangs his head in shame as Apu calms down] ...I mean, thank you, come again.

Homer

[lowers a table out of the hotel window; then drops it] Got it, Barn?

Barney

[offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!

Principal Skinner

You're stealing a table?

Homer

I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!

Principal Skinner

Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?

Homer

Souvenir.

Principal Skinner

I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yeah, you heard me. I think words I would never say. [camera pans left to Homer]

Homer

I know you can read my thoughts, boy. [sings Meow Mix jingle] Meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.

Bart

Hey, everybody! Look at me! Turn this way right now!

Hey, it's Bart!

And he's doing stuff!

Principal Skinner

Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here!

Principal Skinner

Ugh, now we're into the dregs. Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry... Pre-packaged Star Wars figures still in their display boxes? Are those the limited edition action figures?

What's a diorama? [Skinner picks up the figures excitedly]

Principal Skinner

Why, it's Luke... And Obi-Wan! And my favourite, Chewie! They're all here! [to Ms. Hoover] What do you think?

Miss Hoover

I think it's lunchtime.

Principal Skinner

[immediately presents first prize ribbon] WE HAVE A WINNER!

All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

I won! I won! [walks on stage]

No, no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.

Me fail English? That's unpossible.

[singing] Who controls the British Crown?

Carl

Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?

Who keeps the Martians under wraps?

We do, we do

Who holds back the electric car?

Principal Skinner

Who robs cave fish of their sight?

Homer

Who rigs every Oscar night?

We do... we do!

Principal Skinner

[ominous] Destroy that balloon.

Groundskeeper Willie

Aye. [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky]

Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now.

Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile. [missile destroys the other plane] Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile. [missile destroys his own plane]

[parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care!

[parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance, that's all I ask.

Bart

Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.

Principal Skinner

She did?

Bart

Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Seymour, you're being totally unfair and the teachers won't stand for it.

Principal Skinner

Teachers, you don't have the guts to strike!

You don't have the guts to takes us on.

Principal Skinner

That's it!

STEEEE-RIKE!

Principal Skinner

[via intercom] Attention, this is an emergency broadcast, all is well within the school. My authority as principal is total... [Krabappel snatches the microphone back from him] No, give me that...

[via intercom] Attention teachers, we're on strike. Ha!

Lisa

Oh no, strike?

Miss Hoover, are you on...

Miss Hoover

Go home, children!

Principal Skinner

Our next budget item: $12 for doorknob repair.

Nay!

Principal Skinner

Recharge fire extinguishers? Now, this is a, uh, free service of the fire department...

Nay!

Homer

Nay.

Groundskeeper Willie

[still on fire] Help! Please help me!

Principal Skinner

Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor.

Kirk Van Houten

Er, I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having 2 spaghetti meals in one day.

Groundskeeper Willie

[looking like a skeleton] You'll pay for this...with your children's blood!

Chief Wiggum

Oh, right. How are you going to get them? Skeleton power?

Groundskeeper Willie

I'll strike where you cannot protect them... in their dreams!

Homer

[ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!

Chief Wiggum

My God, he is fabulous!

Principal Skinner

He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.