WWiggum
All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya.
Speak for yourself! Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!
You can't make us come down!
You adults are always giving orders!
Well, you kids are always disobeying them!
Well, adults treat kids like children!
Kids treat adults like cash machines!
[Song starts]
Kids! You've had your fun, now we've had our fill!
Yeah! You're only here because Marge forgot her pill!
WWiggum
Kids! You're all just scandalizing, vandalizing punks! [catches Nelson spray-painting "Oink" on his backside]
KrustyChannel-hopping, Ritalin-popping monkeys! [But please don't quit the fan-club!]
Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue!
Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank you!
RTRod and Todd
Why can't you be like we are? [they get hit with tomatoes]
AAdults
Oh, what a bunch of brats!
We oughta drown you just like cats! [Snowball II jumps out of his sack]
Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!
Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!
Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch! Surly, meanie, three-martini lunchers!
Adults! They're always telling us to--
[grabs Milhouse with his cane] Shut your traps!
Eh... we're all fed up with all of you whippersnaps! [Milhouse screams and runs]
OFOld Folks
We're trying to get some sleep here! It's almost 6:15! What's the matter with...
AAdults
Don't you treat us like...
KKids
Can't you just lay off...
OFOld Folks
We're sick of all of you...
EEveryone
KIDS...TO...DAY!
[Song ends]
We're gonna teach all you rugrats a lesson!
Oh yeah? Pfft! What can you old people do to us?
Krusty
Yeah, you old fogies!
Buzz off, you old buzzards!
[The adults and kids all angry throw taunts and insults at the old folks]
You're wrinkly, somebody should iron you.
[The pirates prepare to dump all of the party-goers overboard]
Aw, I'm gonna die, and I've never even tasted cantaloupe!
Krusty
Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.
Krusty
Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders.
(singing) The Camptown Ladies sing this song
(singing) Homer Simpson's breath is strong, oh the do-dah--
Hey, hey, now hold on there. The nice people wanna hear the real words.
But Ned, I was singing the real words.
Oh, lets just take it from the top. (sings) The Camptown Ladies sing this song
The Camptown racetrack's five miles long
Homer's breath smells bad
Oh, those are not the words!
[At Krustylu Studios, Krusty is watching Angry Dad struggle with the ketchup to put on his chips. Looking inside the bottle, it pours its contents on him and pushes him across the room.]
Krusty The Clown
[ironically] Whoa that's funny. There's only one way my show can compete with this.
[pushes the button on the intercom]
Krusty The Clown
Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.
Krusty The Clown
No, the lemur.
Krusty
Just one thing, are you guys good at covering youthful and middle aged indiscretions?
Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?
Krusty
Russian hooker, you tell me.
Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission!
Krusty
I did find out one fact; she was a guy!
[A shot of a broken-down trailer. In front, a sign reads "FOX Network World Headquarters." Inside, Krusty the Clown has a meeting with Fox executives]
Krusty
Well, since I'm fresh out of options, I guess all that is left is for me to get a show on... [groans in frustration] Fox. What do you say?
EExecutive
I don't know...
Krusty
Oh, come on, you guys are famous for taking a chance on useless crap!
Krusty
Hey-hey, kids! Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause? Oh, God, I know that void. Then you were born to enter Krusty's Li'l Starmaker singing competition!
DVDisclaimer voice
Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.
Krusty
The winner will be animated into an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon! So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks!
[starts dialing the number] I'm coming Krusty!
Krusty
Kill the child!
[Marge squats down to face Bart, but her old dress rips, and she groans in anger]
Bart, I've had it with you! I'm taking away your TV privileges.
No more non-dice broad games!
What? You can't take my Balderdash!
I just did! [Bart grunts angrily and goes to the bathroom]
Krusty
[on phone] Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me?
[approaching him] Krusty, you made my daughter cry.
Krusty
Hey, my intellectual property rights were being infringed. Do you know how that feels? Do you? Huh? Do you?
[Enraged Homer pushes Krusty into a swing, into a merry-go-round that spins him onto a pony, then a trampoline, then into a wood chipper, Krusty screams as he shredded alive]
[walks into Krusty has been killed, pick up his heart] One, two, three. One, two, three. Oh! It's no use. [closes Krusty's eyes]
We now see Kent Brockman outside Burger Squared
I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch of the highly anticipated "Burger Squared." Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich?
Krusty
I'm glad you asked, Kent. We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun. Burger Squared!
Cows eating cows?! That's an abomination!
Now, Lisa, you're a vegetarian, but these cows have made a different choice.
And now, this lucky reporter will be the first human to sample this delicious crime against nature. Mmm. Juicy, flavorful, with just a hint of... [changes into a Muncher and takes a bite out of Krusty's elbow]
Krusty
Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid... [Krusty also becomes a Muncher. Kent kills a camera technician and then kills the camera man]
[clicks his BB gun and kicks the office door with his foot, ready to murder Santa for not getting the dirt bike from him (who was actually Krusty in the costume); serious] No disrespect, fat man, but you'd better poop out a dirt bike.
KKrusty (Santa)
[busy] Close the door, boy. I can't afford to heat the whole North Pole!
[Bart looks around the office; the air was being pushed out of the steam radiator, the walls were torn a little, and the water from the ceiling was leaking]
[walks over to Krusty’s desk] Listen here, Kringle. I may have been naughty this year. But by today’s standards, naughty’s nothing. I didn’t get anybody pregnant. I didn’t Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike!
KKrusty (Santa)
Kid, this company’s bust! For years, I’ve been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return. It’s not a sustainable business model.
Oh, come on, man. Things aren’t that bad.
KKrusty (Santa)
They’re pretty bad. [scooping up and eating a red-nosed reindeer snout] I’m eating my own reindeer here!
[rolls his eyes, groans] You win.
KKrusty (Santa)
[chuckles] That's a good boy. [rubs Bart's head and gives him a candy cane] You go home now, and maybe there'll be a nice pair of work socks under your tree.
You don't have to do that. I have socks. I'll give you socks!
KKrusty (Santa)
Thanks, kid. Now you better head home. I'm sure in the 25 years of Earth time you've been gone, your parents must've gotten worried. [Bart leaves the office and closes the door] Kids never change. Always dumb as potatoes.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
