Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's Comet collided with the moon!

Lisa

That didn't happen, Dad.

Sure it didn't.

S10 Bart the Mother

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AApu

Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?

[posing as Snake] You sent me to the chair.

AApu

[gasps] Snake? But you're dead.

[in Snake's voice] I know you are, but what am I?

[Snake grabs Apu by the shoulder and pushes him into the squishee machine]

AApu

No, no! NO!!!

Kent Brockman

And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all thought the night. On a lighter note: a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Oh, god.

Oh, man.

I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?

I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.

Lou

[crunching] Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.

Aw, geez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?

Lisa

Who would do such a thing?

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Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning.

[in Snake's voice] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.

Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus. What's--

[in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out] Yoink.

Ah, for cryin' out loud. [Groans and dies into the cereal bowl]

Kent Brockman

Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.

Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!

It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.

Lisa

I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.

Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!

[puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude. [normal voice] There. Now no murderers can get in. [in Snake's voice] Or out.

Dad?

You are so dead.

No!

Come here, you little...

KCKrusty the Clown Doll

[laughing] Stop it! You're killing me!

[screams] My school picture!

Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!

Help! Dad's trying to kill me!

It's hammer time, snitchy!

That's Snake's voice.

Lisa

Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling...

Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.

You've got to fight the hair, Dad.

But I look so youthful and hunky. [in Snake's voice] The kid's got to die. [normal voice] But I love my son. [in Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair? [normal voice] Don't make me choose! [laughs in Snake's voice] [normal voice] No!

[Homer tears Snake's hair off of his head and discards it]

I love you, son.

I love you too, Dad. [screaming] Get off! Get it off! [muffled]

MLMarge and Lisa

[gasps]

I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]

Ow! [turns red in furious] That's my face, you idiot!

Idiot? [turns red in anger] Why, you little... [Homer angrily strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]

Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa... Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.

It wasn't me. It was the hair.

Freeze, hair ball! [after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb] Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [everyone laughs].

May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.

It's funny. [everyone laughs] Bad hair day!

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[after turning off "Itchy & Scratchy"] Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother. Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me?

Nah. It's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.

Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?

Going where?

Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy & Scratchy. I better take these batteries just to be sure.

[singing] Mama took those batteries, she took 'em away. Mama took those batteries, size double-A!

There's got to be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm...

Lisa

Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable.

Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

Scratchy

Trick or treat!

Lisa

What's wrong with the TV?

Color's screwed up.

[After changing Lisa and the TV screen into red] Whoa! Cool!

Lisa

[Holding the remote control] Bart, quit it! Hey Give--

Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon!

Lisa

How humiliating.

Look.

Scratchy

[to Bart and Lisa] Why are you laughing?

IItchy

[to Scratchy] Hey, they're laughing at your pain.

Scratchy

[Picks up his head and puts it back on his body] That's mean.

IItchy

Let's teach 'em a lesson. [shaking Scratchy's hand]

A cartoon ax! I love it.

[A trickle of blood runs down his forehead]

BLBart & Lisa

Aaah!

[Itchy loads a cannon with all manner of deadly objects]

BLBart & Lisa

[eyes literally sockets] AAH! AAAH!!! [They run out of the house. The cannon fires, and the kids have to duck to avoid the flying arsenal]

Help! Police!

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I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.

Lisa

And now he's dead.

Kang

Any-Hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!

Kodos

Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!

[not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!

Kang

[darkly] Just watch us.

[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]

Don't forget Ken Starr!

Suckers.

Come on, Maggie. Let’s go home.

Maggie

[In Kang’s voice] Very well, I’ll drive. [Maggie laughs maniacally as the screen fades to black and starting opening credits showrunner.] I need blood. [After the credits of showrunner, Halloween ending theme music is hear of end credits roll. After the credits, Regis Philbin yells]

RPRegis Philbin

My eyes! My beautiful eyes!

[As the organ music plays in Gracie Films logo, the same as "Treehouse of Horror II" and 20th Century Fox Television logos appears at the end of the episode]

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Lisa

[speaking to Homer] You promised to take us to the lake.

I promise you kids lots of things. That's what make me such a good father.

Lisa

Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.

No that would make me a great father.

S10 When You Dish Upon a Star

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Skinner

And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.

[Ralph is sitting at their newly installed computer, engrossed in an educational spelling program]

RRalph

Hi, Lisa! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! [the Coleco shows a cat with "C_T" underneath; he types "a" to spell "cat," which prompts a "meow" sound from the computer] I'm learnding.

Lisa

Aw, way to go, Ralph.

S10 Lisa Gets an "A

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[Bart and Lisa are outside the boys' bathroom]

Lisa

Hey, I can't go in there!

Relax, there's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.

[Bart and Lisa knock on a closed stall door in the boys' bathroom]

NNelson

Hang on, I'll buzz you in. [short pause] Buzz.

S10 Lisa Gets an "A

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[After running over someone in the dust cloud]

Lisa

Dad, you hit Don Rickles!

DRDon Rickles

I'm okay, but some Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps. [laughs] Just kidding! I'm a nice guy.

S10 Viva Ned Flanders

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Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!

Lisa

Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?

Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.

Lisa

Even you?

Especially me.

But you gotta support the team, Dad! They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw.

That's right! Like my mother always said, you've got to stick it out, even if you picked the loser ... [sees Homer picking at his ear and looking at his finger afterward] ...to the bitter end.

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CCommentator

[about Babe Ruth IV] He's pointing to the stands, possibly at a dying little boy.

[to Marge, after realizing he's been pointed at] Mom, am I dying?!

[sympathetically] No.

Lisa

[whispering] Is he, Mom? You can tell me.

No!

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Lisa

And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license?

[Dr. Hibbert looks around nervously]

Lisa

That's right...Homer Simpson!

D'oh!

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WWiggum

All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya.

Speak for yourself! Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!

You can't make us come down!

NNelson

You adults are always giving orders!

Skinner

Well, you kids are always disobeying them!

MMilhouse

Well, adults treat kids like children!

Kirk

Kids treat adults like cash machines!

[Song starts]

KKids

Adults!

AAdults

Kids!

KKids

Adults!

AAdults

Kids!

KKids

Adults!

Rev. Lovejoy

Kids! You've had your fun, now we've had our fill!

Yeah! You're only here because Marge forgot her pill!

[embarrassed] Hmm...

WWiggum

Kids! You're all just scandalizing, vandalizing punks! [catches Nelson spray-painting "Oink" on his backside]

Krusty

Channel-hopping, Ritalin-popping monkeys! [But please don't quit the fan-club!]

Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue!

Edna Krabappel

Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank you!

RTRod and Todd

Why can't you be like we are? [they get hit with tomatoes]

AAdults

Oh, what a bunch of brats!

We oughta drown you just like cats! [Snowball II jumps out of his sack]

Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!

NNelson

Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!

Lisa

Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch! Surly, meanie, three-martini lunchers!

RRalph

I just ate a thumbtack!

MMilhouse

Adults! They're always telling us to--

AAbe

[grabs Milhouse with his cane] Shut your traps!

Jasper

Eh... we're all fed up with all of you whippersnaps! [Milhouse screams and runs]

OFOld Folks

We're trying to get some sleep here! It's almost 6:15! What's the matter with...

AAdults

Don't you treat us like...

KKids

Can't you just lay off...

OFOld Folks

We're sick of all of you...

EEveryone

KIDS...TO...DAY!

[Song ends]

AAbe

We're gonna teach all you rugrats a lesson!

Oh yeah? Pfft! What can you old people do to us?

Krusty

Yeah, you old fogies!

Buzz off, you old buzzards!

[The adults and kids all angry throw taunts and insults at the old folks]

RRalph

You're wrinkly, somebody should iron you.

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CCCatholic Church VO

The Catholic Church: We've made a few... changes. (changed to "The Church..." on some reruns and in closed captioning/subtitles)

Lisa

These Super Bowl commercials are weird.

S10 Sunday, Cruddy Sunday

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But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power.

MMax (Homer)

Nobody snuggles with Max Power - you strap yourself in and feel the G's! [performs a hip gyration]

Oh, Lord!

MMax

And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.