Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

See you in a week.

Lisa

Good luck, Dad. Although I'm morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.

Homer

Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.

Bart

Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.

Homer

No.

Bart

But Flanders got his kids torpedoes.

Homer

Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!

Marge

Homer!

Homer

But only if you're good. Even if you're not.

Principal Skinner

Lisa, Channel Six is launching a children's news program, and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor child.

Lisa

[Gasps] Oh my god! Today's top story, little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true.

Principal Skinner

Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor.

Lisa

I know, I already jumped to that conclusion.

Principal Skinner

Alright, if you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunch room monitor?

Lisa

Me?

Principal Skinner

[beat] Take your sash and go.

Lisa

Hmm, thank you Bart, for yet another touching "Bart's People". Now,turning to...

Bart

I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.

Lisa

That's what Veteran's Day is for, Bart.

Bart

But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?

Lisa

Eh, heh, heh...they also have Memorial Day.

Bart

Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong! The important thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them!

Lisa

[through clenched teeth] They have two!

Bart

Well, maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson.

Lisa

Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?

Homer

I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Homer

Good morning, trash pile. How's my—hey... [trash pile is completely gone] Woo-hoo! I won!

Homer

This is a very, very proud day for us, especially me. Your father, ME, beat city hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won.

I know. I heard it too. Here's some music. ["Für Elise" plays and Lisa blisses away. Homer turns to Marge]

Homer

And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge. Well, this man does not crawl, he stands tall! That rhymes Marge, and you know it rhymes, admit it.

Marge

Aw Homer, you did not beat city hall! They picked up our trash because I sent a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name – PERIOD.

Homer

Yo... You signed my name?! I feel so violated!

Marge

You have signed my name lots of times.

Homer

But this isn't like a loan, application or a will! You signed away my dignity! And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on?

Lisa

Yes.

Homer

Perfect.

Homer

Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money?

Bart

Dealing drugs?

Lisa

Drugs?

Marge

I'll have to say drugs too.

Homer

Close, but you're way off.

Homer

Look at that beautiful garbage. Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine.

Lisa

That's awful! I almost wish it was drugs.

Bart

Some of it is.

Lisa

[finds out Bart glued everything] Bart, did you glue those on?

Bart

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Lisa

[to herself] Huh, I didn't know Springfield had a Russian district. [comes across two men playing chess] Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the museum?

[angrily] С удовольствием! Это шесть кварталов в этом направлении! [My pleasure. The museum is six blocks that way.]

[calmly] Hey, она пошла не в ту сторону. [Hey, she went the wrong way.]

[makes his move] Shah i mat. [Checkmate.]

[throws the board on the ground] Хорошая игра! Как насчет еще одной?! [Good game. How about another?]

Lisa

Are you sure you don't want to go to the doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.

Homer

Nah, I'll just walk it off.

Lisa

Stupid bus can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go... ;[spies a flattened raccoon]: Ugh!

Cletus

I seen it first. :[scoops it into truck with shovel]: Ooh, Girly Sue's gonna have an elegant wedding feast.

Lisa

Aha. Um, listen, I'm kind of lost. Do you think you can give me a lift downtown?

Brandine

Cletus, what are you beating your gums about?

Cletus

Never you mind, Brandine. You just go back to birthin' that baby. Yeah, I'll fetch you a ride, little missy, hop on in. Mind the skunk, them things can go off even after they's dead.

Lisa

Wow! An alternate ending to Casablanca. Bart, this could be priceless!

Bart

Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?

Bart

Wow...

Lisa

Hey!

Marge

I don't want you reading these awful scandal sheets.

Lisa

Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column.

Bart

He's great! He pokes fun at life's little foibles.

Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!

Lisa

Did she just tell me to "shut up?"

Skinner

Take it outside.

Lisa

Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.

Homer

Women will like what I tell them to like.

Lisa

What did you get with the tickets?

Bart

Fake moustache comb, how about you?

Lisa

Fake moustache...wanna comb it?