Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

...and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the evil ogre, Barney, had left the men's room in the most wicked condition! So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley--

Lisa

That's not a fairy tale; it's something that happened to you at Moe's!

Homer

Sssh. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years, until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.

Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?

Bart

Why, NBC, of course.

Lisa

NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.

Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?

Homer

Oh, I'm sure of it.

Marge

But there's only one way to find out...

Homer

[voice-over] I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... [sound of gun cocking]... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. [very softly] CBS great.

Bart

[wearing chicken over his underpants] Look at me, Lise, I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants! [clucks like a chicken]

Lisa

Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner.

Bart

You're tomorrow night's dinner.

Lisa

Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult!

Marge

[polishing the car] That's nice, dear!

Homer

[turns on TV] Ooh, here's something you like. When Animals Attack Magicians.

Pick a card, any- [noise of animal attacking] Aaaaaagh!!!

Lisa

[concerned] That's awful.

Homer

Awful entertaining.

Marge

Oh, no, it's the Apocalypse! Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?

Bart

Not anymore.

Lisa Simpson

It's Rapture, and I never knew true love.

Homer

I never used those pizza coupons.

Homer

Why don't people like my art anymore?

Marge

Homer, I know you worked hard, but all of your ... things were kind of the same.

Homer

Hey, Ray Jay Johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been.

Lisa

Who?

Homer

"You can call him Ray, or you can call him Jay, or you can call him Ray Jay, but you doesn't have to call him..."

Lisa

I'm sick of him already.

Groundskeeper Willie

Let's see what's been captured in the Up-Kilt camera. Ugh, this lass needs a bit of groundskeepin'. Agh, that's Willie!

Bart

My name is Mary. I'm 45, heavy, and willing to settle for less.

Wow. This Mary's got the whole package.

Lisa

Wow, Dad, You're surfin' like a pro.

Homer

Oh, yeah, I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands. I invested in something called News Corp--

Lisa

Dad! That's Fox!

Homer

Undo! Undo!

Lisa

Dad, do we have any money left?

Homer

Well, let's check the old bank account. See? Even after my cyber squandering, we've still got $1,200.

All right, dorks, this is a holdup. Oh, yes! Download to papa. Yoink dot adiós, back-slash losers.

Marge

Hawaii here we come!

Bart

Come on Transylvania

Attention. Flight 605 to Tokyo is ready for departure and has 4 available mega-saver seats.

Yeah!

Marge

Come on, Homer, Japan.

Homer

No, not Japan, Jamaica. I want to pass the dutchie on the left-hand side.

Lisa

Never mind. Looks like the Flanders are gonna get those seats anyway.

Homer

Oh, so Flanders he can steal our vacation, huh? Come on! Sayonara, suckers.

Lisa

Yay! The Simpsons are going to Japan. [a gong sounds. Zoom out to reveal that the Simpsons' airport cart crashed into a gong]

Hey, watch the gong, jerk.

Lisa

Look, Mom, the safety instructions are written in haiku. "Fasten seat belts tight. Your seat cushions float gently. Headsets, five dollars."

Sir, it is not safe to use electronic devices yet.

Bart

You're the waitress. [turns it off. Cut to outside shot of the plane as it nosedives]

Turn it back on! Turn it back on!

Lisa

Now can we do something Japanese?

Homer

Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff. In jail, we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori.

Bart

Then we had to do two hours of origami followed by flower arranging and meditation.

Homer

[Japanese version of Should we tell them the secret of inner peace? in English subtitles]

Bart

[Japanese version of No, they are foreign devils. in English subtitles]

Marge

Honey, I know you want to see Japan, bet we're down to our last million yen.

Homer

Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something Japanese.

Lisa

Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.

Homer

It's a crane. The Japanese believe they bring good luck.

Marge

Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home. [gasps] No!

Homer

[Japanese version of D'oh! in English subtitles]

Now, Mr. Simpson, I know you lost all your money, but don't worry. The United States will not stand idly by while one of its citizens is stuck here like this.

Marge

But, Mr. Ambassador, how are we going to get home?

Beats me. Try getting a job and earning some money. That's what I did. By the way, "ambassador" is taken.

Marge

[cheerfully] Every truckload of fish we gut brings us thirty-one cents closer to those tickets home.

Bart

And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do. [starts gutting fish] Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out.

Spare my life and I'll give you three wish ... [gets gutted] ...gaah!

Bart

Knife goes in, guts come out.

Lisa

Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song!

[singing] Knife-a goes in, a-guts come out [stabs itself] that's what Osaka Seafood Concern is all about. [collapses]

Homer

Well, this sucks; what else is on? [uses eel to change the channel]

Thank you. You have fulfilled our dreams and dreams of our ancestors.

Tune in tomorrow, when another lucky family tries to win their dreams on Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show.

Marge

Family Wish Show. Hmm. That gives me an idea.

Lisa

I think we all had that idea.

Homer

I didn't. What is it? Lunch?

...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

Lisa

And what percent is that?

Zero.

Zero’s a percent.

Homer

I smell cake! Cake that says [sniff sniff] "Farewell" and [sniff sniff] "Best Wishes"!

Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart

Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

Lisa

The food is exquisite.

Homer

And the view is... [the restaurant rotates to show a water fountain] beautiful... [the restaurant rotates to show a church] inspirational....[the restaurant rotates to Patty and Selma's apartment, where the two are in sports bras and sweatpants, exercising in front of the TV] nauseating...[groans and passes out]

Lisa

[about the aliens' episode introduction] So what do aliens have to do on Halloween?

Maggie

[in Kang's voice] Silence! [shoots Lisa with her raygun]

Lisa

So you were going to kill us!

Ned Flanders

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Homer

I want the news, not the weather.

Diddily!

Homer

Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, Wolfie?