[Flashback is being shown in which Marge has given birth to Siamese twins. One of them starts gnawing on the other's arm.]
MargeI think I'll bottle-feed that one.
[voiceover from the present] A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil, it was then I knew the option was to separate you 2... immediately. [from the past] You both need to sign these. [voiceover from the present] But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boy's Town; too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. [Back in the present.] So we did the only humane thing.
We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge
It saved our marriage.
[After Kang has been elected President and the aliens of Rigel 7 have enslaved America.]
Marge
I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.
Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos. [alien whips him] D'oh!
[After the family has watched the video on Cyprus Creek]
Marge
It does seem nicer than Springfield.
Yeah... did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before...
[Bart shoves her aside]
[The citizens of Springfield are watching slides that show Maison Derriere's clients]
[Slide of Dr. Hibbert]
[Slide of Chief Wiggum]
[Slide of Skinner]
[Slide of Patty]
[Slide of Cletus]
[Slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts]
[Slide of Chief Wiggum]
Hey, come on, you did me twice.
[Slide of Smithers]
My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.
[Slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash]
Uh, well, that could be any mayor.
Marge
I rest my case.
Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.
Marge
Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters.
Marge
When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
Marge
He's a whole new person, Lisa.
What's that smell? Onions? Chili powder? Cumin? Juicy ground chuck?! It's chili!! Oh my God, I'm missing the chili cook-off! [whining, fidgeting] I'm missing the cook-off! It's going on right now, and I'm missing it!
Marge
[annoyed] All right! I was trying to keep it from you, but I had a good reason. Every time you go to that cook-off, you get as drunk as a poet on payday. Don't you remember what happened last year?
[Flashback to the previous year, in which a naked Homer frolics inside a cotton candy machine, a bottle of Duff in each hand]
Look at me... I'm a puffy pink cloud!
[He climbs out of the machine, scaring several kids, then lies down on the ground, where dogs lick at him. Back to the present]
Well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. Now where are my chili boots? [finds them in the closet] A-ha!
Marge
Okay, we'll go to the chili cook-off, but I want you to promise that you won't have any beer.
[pulling his chili boots on] Okay, quit nagging me, I won't have any beer! Sheesh, why don't you have a cigarette or something?
Marge
Mm, I suppose I could.
[Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]
Marge
What's my territory?
FOFrank Ormand
Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there.
Marge
Don't forget fat people, they can't stop eating.
[passing by] Hey, pretzels.
[Marge arrives at the school loading zone. An unshaven and ragged Skinner appears]
Marge
Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?
[monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.
Marge
Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?
[off-camera] Boating accident.
I believe it was a... boaking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.
So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.
[Kearney applies for the nanny position]
I'm here for the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get outta line...[pounds his fist into his hand]: Pow!
[to Homer] Thanks. Hey, where do ya keep the liquor?
I hide a bottle of Schnapps in the baby's crib.
Marge
[to Kearney] I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for!
[walks away, muttering] Tellin' me, ya blue-haired witch.
Marge
I heard that!
JJohn
Homer, what have you got against gays?
You know! It's not...usual! If there was a law, it would be against it!
Marge
Oh, please, Homer, you're embarrassing yourself!
No, I'm not, Marge! They're embarrassing me! They're embarrassing America! They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names, like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
Yeah! And that's another thing: I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it! Well, I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son!
And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.
[Bart screams as he sees Sideshow Bob on TV, runs upstairs to his room, door closes]
Marge
Someone should really go up there and talk to him.
[Lisa sighs as she goes upstairs to checks on Bart in his room]
[Homer sighs]
Marge
Homer!
[Homer, Marge and Maggie goes upstairs to checks on Bart in his room]
[When Homer drives through the waterfront at the Squidport grand opening]
I love these pedestrian malls. There's practically no traffic.
Marge
Homer, I think you should stop. The mayor's yelling at us.
[shouts] Stop! You idiots!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
