A character in The Simpsons
Played by Julie Kavner
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in The Simpsons: in 677 of its 3,477 quotes
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (400), Bart Simpson (206), Lisa Simpson (169)
[Bart desperately tries to stop Brodka from showing the security tape of him shoplifting Bonestorm by standing in front of the big screen TV.]
Mom, I don't want you to see this. I did it.
[His timing is off, and everyone sees him taking the game and hiding it in the jacket. Everyone is in shock, including Marge and Lisa, while Homer is enraged.]
Bart, I would never expected this from you.
Marge[disheartened] Oh, Bart.
Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
MargeBart, where do you pick up words like that?
[on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
MargeHomer, watch your mouth!
Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. [hangs up]
He spanked you? [He's angry and points at Bart.] You? Bart Simpson?
I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.
Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.
MargeGrampa, I know in your day, spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.
And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!
[He points over at Lisa, in a beanbag chair, reading. She looks up, confused.]
First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then makes fun of the way I talk -- probably. Now, he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! WELL, THAT'S IT!
Marge[picks up a toy pistol] Well, we don't need this.
[ecstatic] Whic-- Marge! That's the Rhinestone Nights fashion gun! [holds a leather jacket] I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing.
MargeWho's Disco Stu?
Uhh, I wanted to write "Disco Stud", but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action!
Boy, I sure could go for a hundred tacos right about now.
MargeNo! [yanks Bart. Comic Book Guy exits with a wheelbarrow full of tacos]
Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.
[montage of Mr. Burns abusing and berating Homer, who has replaced Smithers as his assistant]:
[yelps as he turns on the lamp] 60 watts! What do you think this is, a tanning salon?! [cut to Mr. Burns in bed, his nightcap is stiff and pointy] I asked for light starch on my nightcap! [Homer yelps as Mr. Burns pokes him with the nightcap] [cut to Mr. Burns at dinner, soaking Homer with his drink] You call this postum?! [cut to Mr. Burns in his office as he knocks over Homer's stack of paper] You call this a tax return?! [cut to Mr. Burns hitting a generator with a cane, causing it to spew out smoke and sparks of electricity] You call this a super computer?! [cut to Mr. Burns throwing sheets of paper, pencils, and a book at Homer] You're a travesty of a joke of an assistant!
[Homer tries to contain his rage, but eventually snaps and screams before punching Mr. Burns in the face. An eerie silence falls over the room as Mr. Burns falls to the floor, unconscious. We hear the ticking of a clock and tense violin music as Homer starts whimpering in panic, realizing what he just did, before running out of the room. Cut to Homer arriving at home, slamming the door behind him]
MargeIs there something wrong, Homie?
No.
MargeExcept?
Except... I killed Mr. Burns!
What happened, Dad?
I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face!
Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him.
MargeOkay, maybe everything is alright. Maybe if you go apologize, he might not even fire you... if he's alive.
I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back at 1947 to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!
Those corn muffins were lousy!
Paint my chicken coop!
Make me!
[Abe comes across the table and the old men begin fighting.]
MargeThat does it! One of them has to go!
Okay, Grampa.
MargeNo, the B-U-M.
Oh...
Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren’t for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners, we wouldn’t have The Flintstones. If someone hadn’t ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there’d be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum [Chief Wiggum stares at Roger Meyers], Yogi Bear, hah! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney. Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from? [points to Marge in the galley] Her?
MargeHow about...Ghost Mutt?
Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film The Muppets Go Medieval.
Oh princess fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?
Oh, Sir Lies-a-lot, I will! [they kiss before Sir Lies-a-lot pulls away to growl seductively]
Unhand thee swine, you swain! Come, Piggy, back to Hamelot!
Not now, frog. Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquainted. [Sir Lies-a-lot draws his sword and starts dueling the knight with very stiff and awkward coreography]
[watching the movie, bored] Dad, what's a Muppet?
Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [starts laughing, then stops] So to answer your question, I don't know.
[in the movie, there is a closeup of Troy McClure's face, and he is extremely wrinkly]
Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?
MargeThat's not a leather Muppet, that's Troy McClure. Back in the 1970s he was quite the teen heartthrob.
Troy McClure? That guy's a freak!
MargeWhat are you talking about?
You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard--
MargeOh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!
I went to the record store today and they were playing all this music I never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy!
MargeHmm. Record stores have always seemed crazy to me, but it doesn't upset me. Music is none of my business.
That's fine for you, Marge, but I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.
[Homer informs Marge he want to join the Pageant of the Transmundane.]
MargeSo... you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.
I don't think I have a choice, Marge.
MargeOf course you have a choice.
How do you figure?
MargeYou don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. [Homer pauses for a beat]
You know, Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.
[Backstage at the Springfield Hullabalooza show, a backstage assistant enters with a group of musicians in tow.]
May I have your attention please! Who here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra? I repeat, someone here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra! Possibly while high!! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction!!!
[The Cypress Hill members talk among themselves for a bit.]
Uh, yeah, I think we did...um, do you guys know "Insane in the Brain"?
We mostly know classical... but we could give it a shot.
[The track drops for "Insane In The Brain", and Cypress Hill dances as the symphony orchestra starts to play its own interpretation.]
MargeNow, this, I like.
MargeWell, did you call one of your friends?
Friends? Hah! These are my only friends. Grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
MargeGirls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
[Lisa is eating in the kitchen and Marge is in the background. Bart enters]
Hey Lis. [sits beside her] I guess my little yearbook stunt was pretty rough but it did teach you a lesson. It's important to be yourself. [Marge leaves]
[Grabs Bart by his shirt and whispers to him] I know exactly who I am. I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean, little sneak! [grabs a syrup bottle] You cost me my only friends! [holds the bottle on top of Bart's head, threatening him] You've ruined my life! [squeezes the bottle, but Marge re-enters the room. Lisa starts eating again and Bart looks at Lisa scared]
MargeHey kids! there's a carnival tonight!
[appears from behind a cereal box] Oh boy, a carnival!
[Marge is looking through the grocery bag filled with embarrassing hygiene and sexual products Homer bought at the convenience store.]
MargeEw, Homer. Whatever you're planning for tonight, count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?
[patting the giant firework] Hee, hee, hee! This baby's sure to kill somethin'!
Homer SimpsonDan Castellaneta · 1,595 quotes
Bart SimpsonNancy Cartwright · 792 quotes
Lisa SimpsonYeardley Smith · 585 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
Principal SkinnerHarry Shearer · 66 quotes
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