Scenes with Marge Simpson 593
[Homer and Bart come out of the basement with another wheelbarrow of bowling balls filled with beer]
Wait a minute, I forgot to make sure the coast was clear. Eh, it's probably clear, let's go.
[Homer walks forward with the wheelbarrow of bowling balls, but stops when Marge and Lisa are stood in the way. He shrieks and the wheelbarrow falls over, with the bowling balls sprawling on the floor and the beer pours out.]
MargeBeer!
I can explain, Marge! Please let me explain! OH WHY WON'T YOU LET ME EXPLAIN?!
Marge
You're the one the papers have been talking about. That mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this?
Well... and I can explain remember. I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump, then bowl them, and some underground pipes stick 'em into Moe's.
Marge
Homer, that's very clever!
Marge
Well it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly 200-year old law.
It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!
[Homer shows Marge the dollar bills.]
Marge
Ooh!
Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-
[Homer, Marge and Bart point upwards.]
HMHomer, Marge and Bart
GO TO YOUR ROOM LISA!
Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Marge
Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
[pants, to the phone booth] The teens have been chasing me all night. [spies on the bullies] They finally stopped to gas up their scooters.
Marge
Ned, where are you?
I can't see the name of the station, but the gas costs eight-tenths.
A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me. [flower wilts]
TCTim Conway
[wearing a skunk costume] And they thought I stunk.
[Sea Captain bells a whistle on the ship, the Simpsons are in a big bed]
Marge
Well, it's time to say goodnight.
I wish our special guest Tim Conway didn't have to leave so soon.
Testing. [2 megaphones] Testing. [looks at the megaphones on the wall 5 times] Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey. [devilish laughing; sets up 15 megaphones on chairs; fly buzzing; licks his lips] TESTING! [causes big sound wave explosion; echoing voice] TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING!
[The soundwave causes the car alarms to go off, break the pet store window into pieces, which causes the birds to screech and saying "Testing!", break the fish tank which causes the octopus cling onto Professor Fink, and break the Duff Beer bottles which causes to Homer scream in despair, After Bart caused feedback from the massive sound wave unleashed on the town]
[berating Bart] YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, BART!!! YOU'RE IN FOR THE PUNISHMENT OF A LIFETIME!!!
WHEN DO YOU EXPECT THE RINGING WILL STOP?!
[checks his watch] IN ABOUT...10 TO 15 SECONDS!
Marge
I CERTAINLY HOPE SO! [gasps as the feedback stops] That's better. [Maggie takes 2 pacifiers as ear plugs out of her ears; to Bart] Now about your punishment, young man.
I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
[stops him] Oh, no! Your room is full of toys! You're going to the, uh... garage!
And that's when the CHUDs came at me...
Marge
Oh, Homer, of course you're going to have negative view of New York if all you focus on are the pimps and the CHUDs.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.
Marge
I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Not if they were called scumdrops.
[Agnes is infuriated by her real son's behavior and misses Armin more. Later, she stews in anger in the grocery store check-out lane.]
Marge
Good morning, Agnes. Mmm...how's your new son working out?
That child is the most disobedient, smart-alecky middle-aged man in creation!
Hello, ladies. Is this the line for people who want to bad-mouth Sergeant Skinner?
Marge
And have ten items or less.
[discarding items] Twelve, eleven, ten, the man's a weenie!
Marge
Now be fair, Edna. I liked Armin Tamzarian too, but he was at least as big a weenie as Sergeant Skinner.
[Marge even had to admit Edna was right about Armin.]
[The "All in the Family" opening:]
Boy, the way the Bee Gees played
Marge
Movies John Travolta made
Guessing how much Elvis weighed
HMHomer/Marge
Those were the days
Marge
And you knew where you were then
Watching shows like Gentle Ben
HMHomer/Marge
Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again
Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac
Marge
Coming out of my eight-track
HMHomer/Marge
Michael Jackson still was black
Those were the days
Marge
Homer, have you seen the frozen peas?
[Homer wipes his face with a frozen dinner and pulls the peas out from underneath him.]
Marge
Ahh, you keep 'em. Now listen, if we can't afford private school, maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa. Eh, an art class! Ballet lessons! They have some fun things you can do at the museum on Saturday!
Uh-uh. Forget it, Marge. There is no way I am spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless...museums don't have foosball, do they?
[Homer daydreams about himself at the museum, playing Foosball with a statue.]
You lose, Michelangelo's "David"! Who's next?
MFMan From Edward Munch's "The Scream" Painting
Meeeeeee!
I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.
Yeah, but not before me you ain't. [He storms out]
Now now, there's plenty exits for everyone!
Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [Puts Flanders into a headlock]
Hey now, that's uncalled for.
[Lenny punches Principal Skinner in the stomach, knocking him into the aisle stairway. He collides with Barney's beer tray, spilling it. Barney, enraged, runs headfirst into the increasingly large number of people fighting on the stairs, knocking and bowling them over. Meanwhile, a group of Scottish men watching the game stare bored at nothing in particular].
Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!
[The men, rolling up their sleeves, start to pound anyone who comes near them. It's not long before the entire stadium is embroiled in a violent riot, from people getting tackled to Groundskeeper Willie's soccer hooligan friends hitting people with pipes to two East Asian guys in karate robes kicking each other in the face to Nelson sitting on Milhouse and pulling his leg back as Milhouse screams and cries. The Simpsons stand next to their seats.]
Marge
Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]
SScotsman
[turns to face Homer, screaming] JOBBERS COBKNOTS, YA MUCKER!! [pulls out a crowbar]
Marge
I'm sorry, Homer, no weapons.
A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, a...an alligator.
Marge
[as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
[points gun to himself]
Marge
Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
You said the breakfast table.
Marge
It's the same table!
Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
Oh... I guess the safety was on.
[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
I'd better just put it down.
[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.
Marge
You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
Well, if you have a better way of living through my son, I'd like to hear it.
[Bart and Lisa help Marge practice her skills as an estate agent by roleplaying as a married couple]
Marge
So, you're married and you're looking for your house, Mr. and Mrs...?
[chuckling] Oh! Don't listen to my husband, he's just an idiot. Now, I'm a veterinarian, and I need to keep lots of sick animals in my house - is that permitted?
Marge
Well, this neighbourhood is zone R3, which allows dogs, cats, phone-answering monkeys, and... ohhh... [checks book and sits down in defeat] I'll never memorize all this!
When I had to learn about the Magna Carta, I made up a song! [sings to the tune of "Camptown Races"]
In 1215 at Runnymede, do da do da,
The nobles and the king agreed, oh da doo da day!
[grumpily] We should have lived together first...
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
