[after turning off "Itchy & Scratchy"] Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother. Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me?
BartNah. It's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.
Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?
Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy & Scratchy. I better take these batteries just to be sure.
[singing] Mama took those batteries, she took 'em away. Mama took those batteries, size double-A!
Bart
There's got to be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm...
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
Bart
Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?
What's wrong with the TV?
Bart
Color's screwed up.
Bart
[After changing Lisa and the TV screen into red] Whoa! Cool!
[Holding the remote control] Bart, quit it! Hey Give--
Bart
Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon!
Bart
Look.
[to Bart and Lisa] Why are you laughing?
IItchy
[to Scratchy] Hey, they're laughing at your pain.
[Picks up his head and puts it back on his body] That's mean.
IItchy
Let's teach 'em a lesson. [shaking Scratchy's hand]
Bart
A cartoon ax! I love it.
[A trickle of blood runs down his forehead]
[Itchy loads a cannon with all manner of deadly objects]
BLBart & Lisa
[eyes literally sockets] AAH! AAAH!!! [They run out of the house. The cannon fires, and the kids have to duck to avoid the flying arsenal]
Bart
Help! Police!
I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
Any-Hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!
Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!
[not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!
[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]
Bart
Don't forget Ken Starr!
Come on, Maggie. Let’s go home.
[In Kang’s voice] Very well, I’ll drive. [Maggie laughs maniacally as the screen fades to black and starting opening credits showrunner.] I need blood. [After the credits of showrunner, Halloween ending theme music is hear of end credits roll. After the credits, Regis Philbin yells]
RPRegis Philbin
My eyes! My beautiful eyes!
[As the organ music plays in Gracie Films logo, the same as "Treehouse of Horror II" and 20th Century Fox Television logos appears at the end of the episode]
Doctor, will he be all right?
Yes, he was lucky. If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.
Bart
Why don't you just pull it out?
[laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Couldn't you prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV?
[Bart and Lisa are outside the boys' bathroom]
Hey, I can't go in there!
Bart
Relax, there's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.
[Bart and Lisa knock on a closed stall door in the boys' bathroom]
Hang on, I'll buzz you in. [short pause] Buzz.
[grumbling and mopping in the kitchen] Who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor?
Sorry, Marge. Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds. But don't worry! I put him in a nice hot bath.
Bart
[sniffs the air] Hey, what smells so good?
Yeah... [with growing realization and horror] Pinchy? Pinchy?! Oh...! PINCHY!!!!!!
[Homer hurries away to the bathroom. Later, he is seen crying while eating Pinchy's cooked body at the dinner table]
Oh, man, that's good...! [sob] Pass the butter?
Bart
[passing it] Are you gonna eat that all by yourself?
Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy...! [takes a bite] No more pain where you are now, boy. [breaks the lobster's body in half and sucks out the meat] Oh God, that's tasty! I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this! [sobs and takes more bites] Oh, Pinchy...!
[to Bart and Lisa] Hold it, what's your clearance?
Bart Simpson
We just wanna get a snack.
Bart
But, Dad... [Homer pinches the kids on the shoulder, sending them to the floor, unconscious]
Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.
They'll be fine in half an hour.
Bart
If I was Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell getting madder and madder.
I don't have to worry about that, he's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.
You're guarding the mayor tonight, after Fat Tony swore revenge?
It's my duty, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, will you start daddy's car?
What? There's nothing to worry about.
Bart
Well, then you start it.
Alright, fine, I'll take a cab.
Bart
Alright here comes the implosion!
DWDemolition Worker
[Pushes the plunger down] Implosion? I thought you said...
[The Monty Burns Casino blows up in a cloud of dust with a variety of things, as well as Don Rickles, flying out into the air]
[as they all run from the dust] Heh, heh! Don Rickles zinged ya, Marge!
Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!
Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
Bart
But you gotta support the team, Dad! They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw.
That's right! Like my mother always said, you've got to stick it out, even if you picked the loser ... [sees Homer picking at his ear and looking at his finger afterward] ...to the bitter end.
CCommentator
[about Babe Ruth IV] He's pointing to the stands, possibly at a dying little boy.
Bart
[to Marge, after realizing he's been pointed at] Mom, am I dying?!
[whispering] Is he, Mom? You can tell me.
Bart
Tune in tomorrow, and every day, until the curfew is lifted, because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart
And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
WWiggum
All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya.
Speak for yourself! Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!
Bart
You can't make us come down!
You adults are always giving orders!
Well, you kids are always disobeying them!
Well, adults treat kids like children!
Kids treat adults like cash machines!
[Song starts]
Kids! You've had your fun, now we've had our fill!
Yeah! You're only here because Marge forgot her pill!
WWiggum
Kids! You're all just scandalizing, vandalizing punks! [catches Nelson spray-painting "Oink" on his backside]
Channel-hopping, Ritalin-popping monkeys! [But please don't quit the fan-club!]
Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue!
Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank you!
RTRod and Todd
Why can't you be like we are? [they get hit with tomatoes]
AAdults
Oh, what a bunch of brats!
We oughta drown you just like cats! [Snowball II jumps out of his sack]
Bart
Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!
Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!
Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch! Surly, meanie, three-martini lunchers!
Adults! They're always telling us to--
[grabs Milhouse with his cane] Shut your traps!
Eh... we're all fed up with all of you whippersnaps! [Milhouse screams and runs]
OFOld Folks
We're trying to get some sleep here! It's almost 6:15! What's the matter with...
AAdults
Don't you treat us like...
KKids
Can't you just lay off...
OFOld Folks
We're sick of all of you...
EEveryone
KIDS...TO...DAY!
[Song ends]
We're gonna teach all you rugrats a lesson!
Oh yeah? Pfft! What can you old people do to us?
Buzz off, you old buzzards!
[The adults and kids all angry throw taunts and insults at the old folks]
You're wrinkly, somebody should iron you.
But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power.
MMax (Homer)
Nobody snuggles with Max Power - you strap yourself in and feel the G's! [performs a hip gyration]
MMax
And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart
Isn't that the wrong way?
MMax
Yeah, but faster! [walks into a cactus] D'oh!
We should really put that in the corner.
Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?
Bart
Why, NBC, of course.
NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.
Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?
But there's only one way to find out...
[cut to the closing credits]
[voice-over] I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... [sound of gun cocking]... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. [very softly] CBS great.
[sound of gunshot, followed by a thud. The Gracie Films logo appears, accompanied by three more gunshots]
Bart
[wearing chicken over his underpants] Look at me, Lise, I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants! [clucks like a chicken]
Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner.
Bart
You're tomorrow night's dinner.
Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult!
[polishing the car] That's nice, dear!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
