Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

[finds out Bart glued everything] Bart, did you glue those on?

Bart

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Bart

Hey Lis, I'm sorry I ruined your Egyptian thing. We're still buds, right? Okay be that way, be a big stupid jerk. Oh, you're not the jerk...I am...forgive me? Oh, like you're Miss Perfect. Mom, Lisa's making me feel bad!

Marge

Stop it, Lisa!

Bart

That shut her up.

Woah, looking sharp.

Bart

Well, thanks guv'nor.

If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they'll stick better.

Bart

Milhouse, I'm not going to take dog doo that's been on the dirty ground and put it on my face. I have a better idea.

Hey Bart, what's your favorite thing about teachers conference day?

Bart

Hmm, well, I guess that we don't have to go to school.

Wow, mine too!

Bart

The world is completely different on a weekday morning. Banks are open, old people are walking the streets with impunity. And look, Barney's not even drunk yet.

Barney

Morning, boys, can't stop to chat, time is money.

Homer

Morning, Barney.

You know what makes it even sweeter? While we're out having fun and walking around like crazy, those teachers are cooped up in school like morons.

Principal Skinner

Hmm, here we go again.

Skinner!

Bart

Ta-da! Notice anything new?

Marge

Bart, What have I told you about throwing money away on this joke shop?

Bart

Try and cut back a little?

Marge

[groans] Take these silly things off.

Bart

It won't come off.

Lisa

Wow! An alternate ending to Casablanca. Bart, this could be priceless!

Bart

Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?

Bart

Wow...

Lisa

Hey!

Marge

I don't want you reading these awful scandal sheets.

Lisa

Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column.

Bart

He's great! He pokes fun at life's little foibles.

Homer

Alright son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our head in prayer. Dear Lord, I know You're busy, seeing as how You can watch women change clothes and all that, but if You help us steal this grease tonight I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.

Bart

Dad, He's not stupid.

Homer

Alright, screw it. Let's roll! [floors it]

Bart

When you want grease, go to the source. Good old Krusty Burger!

Homer

I'll say! Look at that red-headed kid. There must be $40 worth of grease on his forehead alone.

Bart

Uh, I was thinking more of the deep frier.

Homer

Whatever, we'll try it your way.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

Can I help you, sir?

Homer

[leaning uncomfortably close to Squeaky-Voiced Teen] My... God, you're greasy.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

Mr. Maruka, help!

Lisa

What did you get with the tickets?

Bart

Fake moustache comb, how about you?

Lisa

Fake moustache...wanna comb it?

Marge

Bart! Did you kill that poor bird?!

Bart

I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left.

Marge

You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?!

Bart

I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.

Marge

[sighs dejectedly] Oh, what's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine! Have fun killing things! [gets in her station wagon and drives off]

Bart

[to Marge] Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them and I love them. I know that's hard to understand.

Marge

Mmmm. Not as hard as you think.

Hmm. Good lines, nice balance. Let's see how she handles. Ho-ho, oh, yeah. Tame it, baby. Yo, ring her up, dude.

[gasps] You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.

[coughing] Oh, god. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?

Chief Wiggum

[to Snake] Hands up, scuzzbag! [Moe raises his hands] [to Moe] No, not you. The smoking scuzzbag.

[raises his hands, and flicks away cigarette] Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.

Chief Wiggum

Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.

Hey, that was self-defense!

Chief Wiggum

Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal... Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.

You'll never make it stuck, dude.

Chief Wiggum

Will, too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses. Apu, that scuzzbag Moe...

I'm not going to forget this, dudes. I'm going to totally kill both of you.

Chief Wiggum

And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness, too. Right, Barty?

You are so dead, little dude.

Bart Simpson

Thanks a lot, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

[laughs] You kids crack me up.

Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?

Homer

[posing as Snake] You sent me to the chair.

[gasps] Snake? But you're dead.

Homer

[in Snake's voice] I know you are, but what am I?

No, no! NO!!!

Kent Brockman

And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all thought the night. On a lighter note: a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Homer

Oh, god.

Bart

Oh, man.

Marge

I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?

Chief Wiggum

I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.

Lou

[crunching] Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

Aw, geez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?

Lisa

Who would do such a thing?

Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning.

Homer

[in Snake's voice] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.

Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus. What's--

Homer

[in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out] Yoink.

Ah, for cryin' out loud. [Groans and dies into the cereal bowl]

Kent Brockman

Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.

Bart

Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!

Marge

It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.

Lisa

I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.

Bart

Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!

Homer

[puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude. [normal voice] There. Now no murderers can get in. [in Snake's voice] Or out.

Bart

Dad?

Homer

You are so dead.

Bart

No!

Homer

Come here, you little...

[laughing] Stop it! You're killing me!

Bart

[screams] My school picture!

Homer

Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!

Bart

Help! Dad's trying to kill me!

Homer

It's hammer time, snitchy!

Bart

That's Snake's voice.

Lisa

Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling...

Marge

Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.

Bart

You've got to fight the hair, Dad.

Homer

But I look so youthful and hunky. [in Snake's voice] The kid's got to die. [normal voice] But I love my son. [in Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair? [normal voice] Don't make me choose! [laughs in Snake's voice] [normal voice] No!

Homer

I love you, son.

Bart

I love you too, Dad. [screaming] Get off! Get it off! [muffled]

[gasps]

Homer

I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]

Bart

Ow! [turns red in furious] That's my face, you idiot!

Homer

Idiot? [turns red in anger] Why, you little... [Homer angrily strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]

Chief Wiggum

Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa... Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.

Homer

It wasn't me. It was the hair.

Chief Wiggum

Freeze, hair ball! [after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb] Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [everyone laughs].

Marge

May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.

Chief Wiggum

It's funny. [everyone laughs] Bad hair day!