So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
BartTeamwork is overrated.
Bart
Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Bart
Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.
Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart
Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart
What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them!
[pause] Worst Episode Ever.
[In the latest episode of "Itchy and Scratchy," Itchy has frozen Scratchy in an ice block for an ice-sculpting contest. Itchy begins to slice Scratchy with a chainsaw, but then Poochie walks in.]
IItchy
Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
PPoochie
Yes, I certainly do! [his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying...] I have to go now. My planet needs me.
[The animation cel with Poochie on it actually slides upward in a choppy manner as a slide-whistle sound is heard. Then a handwritten note in red marker appears, reading: "NOTE: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet."]
Bart
Wow! Poochie came from another planet?
Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! [see Krusty on TV]
Poochie's dead! [laughing; children in the audience cheer loudly] Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! [Blue-Haired Lawyer examines the affidavit]
This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]
RRoscoe
[to workers] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.
WWorkers
[waving in a sissy-like way] Hell-o-o!
[gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?
SMSteel Mill Worker #1
[High-pitched effeminate voice] Stand still, there's a spark in your hair!
SMSteel Mill Worker #2
[Similar voice] Get it, get it, get it!
[Homer whimpers]
SMSteel Mill Worker #3
[walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants] Hot stuff, comin' through!
Bart
Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! [to the workers; angrily turns red] YOU'RE ALL SICK!
SMSteel Mill Worker #4
[waves his hand] Oh, be nice!
Ohh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! [a whistle goes off] Oh my God, what's happening now?
RRoscoe
We work hard. We play hard.
[He pulls a chain, and the entire mill is transformed into a night club called "The Anvil", with all the workers dancing to "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)". Homer slowly backs away, frightened, covering Bart's eyes.]
AAnnouncer
It's the Krusty the Klown Prison Special!
[singing] I slugged some jerk in Tahoe, they gave me one-to-three / My high-priced lawyer sprung me on a technicality / I'm just visiting Springfield Prison / I get to sleep at home tonight...
[Angry mutterings from the convict audience.]
Hey, I kid! I kid 'cause I love! I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk!
[Cheering.]
Bart
Man, those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
[Lisa drags Bart upstairs to put him to bed]
Why do you have to make this so hard?
Bart
I'm using nonviolent resistance.
Ugh! The idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi...
Bart
Who?
[sees Bart eating a bread] I thought I told you to go to bed.
Bart
Yeah right, bread. You said go to bread.
[clenched her teeth] I said, go to bed!
Bart
Yeah. Go to bread.
Bart
Oh, bed. Oh! Anything you say sis. [leaves the table]
[Lisa twitches her eye, growling, later, Lisa checks on Bart, he is not in his room, Lisa finds Bart jumping on Homer and Marge's bed]
Bart
You didn't say which bed!
Bart
Make me!
I'll make you! [lunges after him, Bart leaps off Homer and Marge's bed]
Bart
If you want me, you gotta catch me! [Lisa lunges at him, he leaps backwards] Almost. [Lisa leaps into the floor] Oh, so close.
Bart! [lunges at Bart, until Bart accidentally falls down the stairs, seriously injured himself along the way]
Bart
Son of a- [crashes at the bottom and lays motionless]
[sees Bart injured] Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. [nervous chuckle] I'll come back. [leaves]
[Lisa gasps in horror]
[Homer and Bart come out of the basement with another wheelbarrow of bowling balls filled with beer]
Wait a minute, I forgot to make sure the coast was clear. Eh, it's probably clear, let's go.
[Homer walks forward with the wheelbarrow of bowling balls, but stops when Marge and Lisa are stood in the way. He shrieks and the wheelbarrow falls over, with the bowling balls sprawling on the floor and the beer pours out.]
I can explain, Marge! Please let me explain! OH WHY WON'T YOU LET ME EXPLAIN?!
You're the one the papers have been talking about. That mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this?
Well... and I can explain remember. I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump, then bowl them, and some underground pipes stick 'em into Moe's.
Homer, that's very clever!
Well it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly 200-year old law.
It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!
[Homer shows Marge the dollar bills.]
Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-
[Homer, Marge and Bart point upwards.]
HMHomer, Marge and Bart
GO TO YOUR ROOM LISA!
[Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]
Bart
So I looked out the window, and there it was the grossest sight I have ever--
[through speaker] Bart Simpson, report to the principal's office immediately!
[in the principal's office]
Now, Bart... son. I don't know what you think you saw but uh, let me assure you that...
What Seymour- oh, what Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!
Bart
That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!
Is it... too late to say that?
Bart
Mmm-hmm!
[cough] We're just a little concerned. If people were to find out the principal was dating a teacher, they might see it as a conflict of interest.
[chuckles] And there are those who might try to use it against us for their own advantage-
Bart
Like me, for one!
Like you, for... Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten. Let's talk deal.
[to Bart, who is keeping her busy whilst Seymour and Edna sneak out] I collect pictures of wedding cakes from different periods. [She opens a book containing photographs of cakes] It all started in 1969 when Good Housekeeping featured a picture of a lovely cake.
Bart
You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you?
Oh my, no. Don't care for cake, too sweet. [points at a cake] Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. At my age, I don't have that much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I turn the page.
Bart
Aw, can't I just turn the page for you?
[slaps his hand away, harsher] No! [sweetly] But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you.
Bart
Erm...O.K. I'll take...that one.
[slaps his hand away] NO!
Bart
Aah! What the-
You can't have that one: that's a coconut cake!
Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
[yells angrily] He unholied the holy water!
Bart
That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us.
Bart
[gasps in terror] You didn't crucify him?
[hearty laugh] No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. I'll give you his address if you like.
And then buy something or get out! [Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.] Angel.
Bart
Excuse me, did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Harper?
RMRepo Man
Yeah, I remember this mutt. We sold him to some guy wearing a dress.
[At Patty and Selma's front door]
No Bart, I did not buy your dog. Now, I gotta go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a band aid.
[Inside Groundskeeper Willy's shack]
WWilly
Yea I had your dog and I ate him. [takes a bite of chicken]
Bart
[Gasps in horror]
WWilly
Aye, I 'ate his little face. I 'ate his guts and I 'ate the way 'e's always barking! So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart
Oh, I see! You hate him, so you gave him to the church.
WWilly
Aye, I also 'ate that mess he left on me rug.
[Bart gives a puzzled look]
[is invited to the Simpsons' for dinner] Good heavens, this is a palace! How can-- How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?
[shrugging] I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.
Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I-I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!
[clearly not getting it] Wow!
[sees pictures on the wall] I'm sorry, isn't that...
Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford... And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins... Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space!
You? Went into outer space?! You?
Sure! You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?
[angrily] No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it?! This briefcase, and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?!
Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and [sniffs air] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No!
[gasps] What are you saying?
I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.
Bart
He's got you there, Dad.
You're a fraud. A total fraud. [he starts to leave; to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie] It was nice meeting you. [he slams the door]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
