A character in The Simpsons
Played by Nancy Cartwright
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in The Simpsons: in 792 of its 3,477 quotes
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (338), Lisa Simpson (248), Marge Simpson (206)
[Bart notices that the factory has collapsed]
BartAh, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!
I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
BartWow. Wonder where all the rats are gonna go?
[Dozens of rats run out from under the rubble and into Moe's Tavern]
OK, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.
[At Mardi Gras, Chief Wiggum is confronted by revelers wearing outsized party masks, who reveal themselves to be the Simpsons]
If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
BartMardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.
Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
Over there. [points at Ralph and Big Daddy in the crowd]
[points at Chief Wiggum] Look, Big Daddy! It's regular Daddy!
The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. [fans himself with his hat] Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.
BartTesting. [2 megaphones] Testing. [looks at the megaphones on the wall 5 times] Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hey. [devilish laughing; sets up 15 megaphones on chairs; fly buzzing; licks his lips] TESTING! [causes big sound wave explosion; echoing voice] TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING!
[The soundwave causes the car alarms to go off, break the pet store window into pieces, which causes the birds to screech and saying "Testing!", break the fish tank which causes the octopus cling onto Professor Fink, and break the Duff Beer bottles which causes to Homer scream in despair, After Bart caused feedback from the massive sound wave unleashed on the town]
[berating Bart] YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, BART!!! YOU'RE IN FOR THE PUNISHMENT OF A LIFETIME!!!
WHEN DO YOU EXPECT THE RINGING WILL STOP?!
[checks his watch] IN ABOUT...10 TO 15 SECONDS!
I CERTAINLY HOPE SO! [gasps as the feedback stops] That's better. [Maggie takes 2 pacifiers as ear plugs out of her ears; to Bart] Now about your punishment, young man.
BartI know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
[stops him] Oh, no! Your room is full of toys! You're going to the, uh... garage!
BartYou're the boss.
Since you attended public school, I'm gonna assume you're already proficient with small arms, so we're gonna start you with something a little more advanced. [hands Bart a MGL]
BartHo-ho, baby! [fires off 5 grenades. 4 hit the targets, but the 5th flies off into the distance]
4 out of 5, Simpson. Impressive, but you missed your last target.
Bart[slyly] Did I?
[Cut to a blackened and dumbstruck Principal Skinner, standing next to a smoking crater where his car used to be. Nelson watches in the background from the classroom window]
Ha-ha!
New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.
Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.
BartYeah, that's what people do in Russia.
BartExcuse me, is this Mad Magazine?
No, it's Mademoiselle. We're buying our sign on the installment plan.
Bart[laughs] Seriously, though, my name is Bart Simpson. My father has a subscription. I'd like the grand tour, please.
Listen, kid, you probably think lots of crazy stuff goes on in there, but this is just a place of business.
BartOh... okay.
[As Bart leaves, Mads mascot Alfred E. Neuman opens the door]
Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone. I wanna see their drawings for the "New Kids on the Bleech".
[Bart's jaw drops upon surprise]
And where's my furshlugginer pastrami sandwiches?
BartWow! I will never wash these eyes again.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
BartNot if you called 'em stench blossoms.
Or crapweeds.
I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Not if they were called scumdrops.
BartPrincipal Skinner?
Up yours, children!
[as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Bart SimpsonUm...
Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
[points gun to himself]
Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
You said the breakfast table.
It's the same table!
Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
Oh... I guess the safety was on.
[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
I'd better just put it down.
[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.
Excuse me, son.
BartWow, you're Joe Namath!
That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.
BartI cannot believe you are here! Do you think you could give me a few pointers?
Sure. There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback.
Joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock.
Okay, look, I gotta run. [heading back to his car] Remember what I told you.
Bart[returns to practicing throwing the football] Okay Bart, concentrate.
Remember what I told you... Just one thing... My car broke down... I'm Joe Namath... My car broke down... It was just vapor lock... vapor lock... vapor lock...
BartI'm dead.
[Bart and Lisa help Marge practice her skills as an estate agent by roleplaying as a married couple]
So, you're married and you're looking for your house, Mr. and Mrs...?
BartSuperman!
[chuckling] Oh! Don't listen to my husband, he's just an idiot. Now, I'm a veterinarian, and I need to keep lots of sick animals in my house - is that permitted?
BartNot in my damn house!
Well, this neighbourhood is zone R3, which allows dogs, cats, phone-answering monkeys, and... ohhh... [checks book and sits down in defeat] I'll never memorize all this!
When I had to learn about the Magna Carta, I made up a song! [sings to the tune of "Camptown Races"]
In 1215 at Runnymede, do da do da,
The nobles and the king agreed, oh da doo da day!
Bart[grumpily] We should have lived together first...
[Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer to the tune of “Camptown Races”]
On the closing day, the escrow agents pay
Taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!
BartThey back your baaaaaank!
You're all nuts.
Thank you, Bart, thank you, Lisa, for all your help!
What about me? You didn't thank me.
BartYou didn't do anything.
I like being thanked.
Now, um, what did this Christmas thief look like?
BartWell, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, a big scar on his cheek.
Anything unusual?
Is this car $15,000?
[rubs off the $12,000 price tag] It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hund—No, four hundred and ninety bucks!
What a deal! I'd be a sucker not to get it!
BartI don't know about this, Dad. Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some—OW!
Oh, I'm sorry, I jabbed you with my pen.
BartOww! You're still doing it!
I know.
Homer SimpsonDan Castellaneta · 1,595 quotes
Marge SimpsonJulie Kavner · 677 quotes
Lisa SimpsonYeardley Smith · 585 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
Principal SkinnerHarry Shearer · 66 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
