Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

What the hell is this?

Lisa

It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.

Bart

We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!

Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film The Muppets Go Medieval.

Oh princess fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?

Oh, Sir Lies-a-lot, I will! [they kiss before Sir Lies-a-lot pulls away to growl seductively]

Unhand thee swine, you swain! Come, Piggy, back to Hamelot!

Not now, frog. Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquainted. [Sir Lies-a-lot draws his sword and starts dueling the knight with very stiff and awkward coreography]

Lisa

[watching the movie, bored] Dad, what's a Muppet?

Homer

Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [starts laughing, then stops] So to answer your question, I don't know.

Bart

Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?

Marge

That's not a leather Muppet, that's Troy McClure. Back in the 1970s he was quite the teen heartthrob.

Homer

Troy McClure? That guy's a freak!

Marge

What are you talking about?

Homer

You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard--

Marge

Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!

[in awe] What is this place?

Bart

Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.

OW! Bart, Nelson hit me!

Bart

He sure did.

Bart

Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.

Mr. Burns

Oh, you're a good boy, but the child labor people have been watching me like a hawk.

Bart

Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grampa.

Grampa

The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!

Bart

Grampa, do you think I could have been in the Flying Hellfish?

Grampa

You're a give-'em-hell daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and a fourth-grade education. You could've made sergeant!

I'd hug you, but I know it would just embarrass you.

Bart

I don't care who knows I love my grandpa.

Hey funboys, get a room!

Bart

Hey Lis. [sits beside her] I guess my little yearbook stunt was pretty rough but it did teach you a lesson. It's important to be yourself. [Marge leaves]

Lisa

[Grabs Bart by his shirt and whispers to him] I know exactly who I am. I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean, little sneak! [grabs a syrup bottle] You cost me my only friends! [holds the bottle on top of Bart's head, threatening him] You've ruined my life! [squeezes the bottle, but Marge re-enters the room. Lisa starts eating again and Bart looks at Lisa scared]

Marge

Hey kids! there's a carnival tonight!

[appears from behind a cereal box] Oh boy, a carnival!

Marge

It does seem nicer than Springfield.

Lisa

Yeah... did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before...

Bart

Me neither.

Homer

Hey Bart is my son and I don't want him working [a strip tease show begins in the background] so... late.

Oh I agree, kids need rules and boundaries.

Homer

[mesmerized by the show] Yes, everyone loves rules.

It's so hard to be a parent today. Why with all the gangs, and the drugs.

Homer

Oh yea drugs, drugs, ya gotta have drugs. [walks in to watch the show]

Bart

Hey, he didn't pay the cover.

Oh Bart, he's your father... We'll comp him tonight and start a tab tomorrow.

The gin in your martini

We remember our first visit

The service was exquisite

Why Joseph, I had no idea!

Come on now, you were working here

Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!

Bart

To shut it down now would be twisted

We just heard this place existeeeeed!

Homer

[screams] Ow! Ow Duh-ow! What the hell is wrong with you?!

Bart

Jeez, sorry. It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

Homer

Here I come, buddy! No more loneliness for Homer and Earl!

Homer

A machine?! Earl's a machine?! [sarcastic] Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soulmate has yielded a lighthouse-keeping robot. Oh, wow.

Bart

Hey, look! Is that Dad?

Lisa

Either that, or Batman's really let himself go...

Homer

This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!

Bart

What if we don't?

Homer

We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.

Bart

[chuckles] They'll buy anything.

Homer

Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.

Homer

I kill me!