Scenes with Homer Simpson 1,190
We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. [puts hat on Homer, straining on pain] Now, go get us some incriminating footage. And remember: you have to get in and out for 10 minutes, or you suffer permanent neck damage.
MMan
[neck horribly bent] He's not kiddin'.
[Homer walks towards the Kwik-E-Mart doors, swaying and weaving. Apu watches him, curious. Kent and others watch through the camera in the surveillance van]
HomerDon't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.
Homer
Bee? Agh! Woo! Woo! Agh-agh-agghh! [Stomps on the hat and runs out. Homer returns to the van, gasping for air]
Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years. He had one day left 'til retirement.
[Homer and Apu are flying over the Himalayas]
Homer
Are we in India yet?
Homer
Are we in India yet?
Homer
Are we in India yet?
Homer
Are we in India yet?
No. Oh wait... Now we are.
He is the benevolent, enlightened president and CEO of Kwik-E-Mart – and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. [CEO slurps his Squishee] He is the one I must ask to get my job back.
[Homer and Apu approach the CEO's meditation point]
You may ask me three questions.
That's great, because I only need one.
Homer
[interrupting] Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Homer
Really?
Homer
You?
Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
[Homer and Apu leave the convenient store]
Homer
Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? [Apu growls, reaches towards Homer] No need to apologize, Apu – it was as much my fault as it was yours. [Apu pounces and strangles Homer] Okay, Apu ... I accept your apology! [both fight, topple off the path and fall down the mountain side]
[Homer is buttering a muffin that he got out of an E-Z Bake Oven as he's driving]
Mmm, I don't know if that's a good idea to do while you're driving.
Homer
Marge, that's what I bought it for.
RReporter
Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?
Homer
I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. [thinks for a moment] Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
[Ned has just offered Homer tickets to the game]
Homer
Why do you mock me, Lord?
Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle Bart threw up there
[Marge knocks it down]
Homer
I know I shouldn't eat thee but... [does it anyway] Mmmm, sacril-licious
[Lenny and Carl see Homer and Ned drive by, but Homer buries Ned's head out of view so they don't see him with Flanders]
Homer
Hi!
Hey, look! Homer's got one of those robot cars!
[The car crashes off-screen due to Homer pushing Ned's head down]
One of those American robot cars.
I'll take two dogs, two sodas... and, uh, two ice cream bars. [as they are passed along the row towards him, Homer snatches two bites from his dogs] What the hell happened to my dogs? I want answers.
Homer
Well, I guess I should pay my share.
[chuckling] Relax, Homer. I keep telling you. You're my guest.
Homer
Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat! Thanks, Ned. [dips a nacho in it, then eats it, singing] Nacho, nacho man, I want to be a nacho man.
Bart (waves two pieces of paper in front of Homer's face): Hey, Dad, sell you these for fifty bucks.
Homer
Woo hoo! Sold! (Bart takes the money and runs off)
Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer.
Homer
What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center". (screams): Why you little -- (immediately calms down as he sits down and thinks it over): Hmm, free wig.
(Homer imagines himself with Marge's hair, as he looks at himself in the mirror)
Homer (imitating Marge): I love you, Homie. Mmm. (normal voice): Heh, heh, heh. I don't need her at all anymore.
[Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast.]
After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.
And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. [to Homer]: Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?
Homer
Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.
Homer
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.
Homer
Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Stampy's food bill today was $300.
Homer
[scared] Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
[The Simpsons family are eating dinner, Bart throws peas at Lisa]
Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas!
Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.
Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. [throws another peas at Lisa]
Homer
Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.
Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. [feeds his piece to SHL]
Homer
[gasps] That was the end piece! [turns red in anger] That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! [point upwards] Go to your room!
No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.
Homer
Bart, you listen!
Oh, go eat some flowers! [tosses flowers at Homer]
Homer
My secret shame.
[Bart storms out of his house, riding his bicycle]
DDeprogrammer
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
Are you sure you can get him back for us?
DDeprogrammer
Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
DDeprogrammer
Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
Homer
You idiot! He was the most talented one!
Homer
[lowers a table out of the hotel window; then drops it] Got it, Barn?
[offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!
Homer
I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!
Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Homer
Souvenir.
Homer
[reads the verdict paper] What does "sequestered" mean?
It means if we're deadlocked we'll be put up somewhere until we reach a decision.
Homer
What does "deadlocked" mean?
It means the jury cannot reach a unanimous decision.
Homer
Uh-huh. And "if"?
Conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".
Homer
So IF we cannot reach a decision, the jury will be DEADLOCKED, and then we'll be SEQUESTERED in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
That's not going to happen, Homer.
Let's vote. My liver is failing.
Homer
Where we'll get free rooms, free food, free TV, free HBO, OOOH! FREE WILLY! [Skinner snatches paper from him]
Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!
Homer
What are all of you voting?
Homer
Uh-huh. How many S's in innocent?
[everyone else groans]
Homer
Now I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
