Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Principal Skinner

I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yeah, you heard me. I think words I would never say. [camera pans left to Homer]

Homer

I know you can read my thoughts, boy. [sings Meow Mix jingle] Meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.

Marge

Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.

Homer

What? It's not Magaggie's birthday?

Homer

Oh... and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

Marge

That's because you were drunk!

Homer

And how.

Homer

So, little Lisa, apple of my eye: how are things down at the old schoolhouse?

Lisa

I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.

Homer

[hearty laughter] And how's my little major-leaguer? Catch any junebugs today?

Bart

Oh, me and Milhouse took some mail from the mail truck and threw it down the sewer.

Homer

[with barely-concealed anger]: Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do.

Bart

What the hell are you talking about? You're the one who double-dared us.

Homer

[explodes with anger]: Why you little -- [strangles Bart]

Marge

Homer!

Bart

I'm outta here!

Lisa

Me too.

Homer

All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven to 18 in Lisa's diary.

Marge

You too.

Homer

Huh?

Marge

Get out!

Homer

But I'm not in a cla-

Uh, is any of this gonna be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't payin' attention.

Homer

Oh, good. Reverend Lovejoy will make Marge take me back. He has to push the sanctity of marriage, or his god will punish him!

[flatly] Get a divorce.

Helen Lovejoy

Mmm-hmm.

Marge

But isn't that a sin?

Marge, just about everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

Hibbert

I'm sorry, that leg's going to have to come off. [Homer and Bart gasps] Ha, ha, ha. Did I say "leg"? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone.

Bart

Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.

Homer

Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Marge

This was a lovely idea, Homie. Come here and kiss me.

Homer

Mmm... Uh-h-h-- [a rotor system is heard and a spotlight interrupts]

[scream]

Chief Wiggum

[through a megaphone] Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, come on! Continue! C'mon! Aww... [to Lou] All right, Lou, open fire.

Homer

[after they build a barn from a pool kit] Alright, everybody in the pool!

'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.

Homer

D'oh-eth!

Bart

Well, I guess that explains everything.

Homer

Not everything. [talking to Ned] There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.

Maude

Uh, I'm right here.

Homer

Oh, I see. Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!

Homer

Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

Bart

Dad, isn't this stealing?

Homer

Read your town charter, boy! "If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot". Since I don't see him around, start shoveling!

Homer

[shows a used one dollar bill to Marge] And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while waiting for the bus.

Marge

While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.

Homer

Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Marge

Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Homer

NEVER! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?!"

Marge

Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay?!

Homer

No!

Homer

[screams] Hey! Get off my sugar! Bad bees! Bad! [bees sting him] Ow! OOWW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!

Homer

NOOOO!! My sugar is melting! MELTING! Oh, what a world!

[spits out tea in disgust]

Homer

[sobs on completely melted sugar in the grass] My sugar's... gone...

Marge

[walks to Homer with an umbrella] I'm sorry, Homie.

Homer

[composed] It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why He lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

Homer

Marge, it's 3:00 a.m. and I've been working all day.

Marge

It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool!

Homer

There you are. Thought you could get away! (eats it)