Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Take that, vile fiend! [starts staking Burns repeatedly]

Lisa

Uh, dad? That's his crotch.

Homer

Oh.. sorry. [puts stake to his heart] BAH!!

Mr. Burns

[screams]

Homer

[relieved] Aah...

Mr. Burns

[comes back to life] YOU'RE FIRED!!! [melts into mold and dies again]

Homer

D'OH!

Homer, this is never easy to say, I'm going have to saw your arms off.

Homer

They'll grow back, right?

Oh...yeah.

Homer

Whew.

Homer, are you just holding on to the can?

Homer

Your point being?

Bart

You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter.

Homer

[suspicious] Wait a second... [pulls a card from his pocket: "ALWAYS DO OPPOSITE OF WHAT BART SAYS"] Hmm...you kids do need a babysitter.

Bart

Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] Don't give that card to me.

Homer

Here you g-- [pulls back] No!

Lionel Hutz

Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, when I couldn't help but overhear you are in need of a babysitter. Now, as a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.

Homer

We pay $8.00 for the night and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer.

Lionel Hutz

Three.

Homer

Two.

Lionel Hutz

Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage.

Homer

Done.

Lionel Hutz

[to himself] Still got it!

Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges and forced him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz. Lionel Hutz, A.K.A. Miguel Sanchez, A.K.A., Dr. Nguyen van Thuoc, was paid $8 for his 32 hours of babysitting, he was glad to get it. Marge Simpson was charged with the violation of penal code section 618A: Wanton Destruction of Precious Antique Cans. She was ordered to pay 50 cents to replace the cans and $2000 in punitive damage and mental anguish. Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States Army Neurochemical Research Center at Fort Meade, Maryland, for extensive testing.

Homer

Woohoo!

I want you all to close your eyes and listen to your inner child. Listen, what's he saying?

Stay on the course big Ned, you're doing super! [Ned smiles]

[points to his mouth] Food goes in here.

Homer

It sure does.

[in Italian accent] Hey-a Moe, what's-tha mattah? Ya no talking wit ya accent-a no more.

[slaps face] Mamma mia!

Homer

Awww, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut.

Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.

Homer

Explain how!

Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Homer

Woo-hoo!

Homer

D'OH!

Homer

Moe, I need your advice.

Yeah?

Homer

You see, I have this friend named Joey Joe Joe...Junior...Shabadoo.

Homer, that's the worst name I've ever heard. [a man in the bar runs out, crying]

Barney

Hey, Joey Joe Joe!

Homer

[seeing the White House with Colonel Klink] Marge lives here?

[voice only] Madam President, your approval rating is soar. [Marge murmurs]

[sing-songy] This dream is over! [pops, Homer sends back in the phone booth]

Lionel Hutz

[sees Homer stuck in the phone booth being knocked over] Hey, You! Get Out Of My Office!

Homer

The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.

That's a right triangle, ya idiot!

Homer

D'oh!

Homer

[grabbing Marge] Yer gotta redda kid forrad yarrar!

Marge

Homer, what is it? Slow down!

Homer

[slowly, but still furious] J'yer gedda ferda redderarrar.

Marge

Think before you say each word.

Homer

You broke a promise to your child.

Marge

What?

Homer

You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed -- she's such a little trooper.

Lisa

[to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.

Homer

[breaking a lamp] D'oh!

Bart

Ay, caramba!

Marge

[groans]

Maggie

[sucks her pacifier]

Flanders

Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney

[belches]

Ha, ha!

Mr. Burns

Excellent.

Lisa

If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]

Homer

What kind of catchphrase is that?

Dr. Hibbert

Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or...[chuckles]: some sort of voodoo curse.

Patty

Hey! We've just been working the eyes. [Selma holds up a Homer-shaped voodoo doll with 12 needles (six on each eye) in his eyes]

Homer

Your old meat made me sick!

Why, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. [Homer picks up and sniffs a piece of shrimp]

Homer

This shrimp isn't frozen – and it smells funny!

Okay, ten pounds.

Homer

Woo-hoo!

Kent Brockman

Good evening, here's an update on last week's nursing home exposé, "Geezers in Freezers" – it turns out the rest home was adequately heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers". Now, coming up next, "The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer."

Homer

[couch-ridden with salmonella] Oh... Urp! Rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites! Is there no way I can find justice?

I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.

Homer

You're... selling what now?

I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.

Homer

You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos! [slams the door on him]

He's got me there.