P Protestant
Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here! I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven!
HO Hell Orientation Director
Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.
S Soldier
I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
HO Hell Orientation Director
You picked the wrong religion as well.
RO Random Orientation Attendee
Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?
HO Hell Orientation Director
I'm afraid it was the Mormons ...the Mormons were the correct answer.
OA Orientation Attendees
[collective groan]
[they run to embrace each other]
But I thought Saddam killed you?
Well, yeah, where was I going to go, Detroit?
G God
[after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the heck happened to you?
G God
You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
BC Bill Cosby Robot
[drawing a gun] Well, that does it!
BC Bill Cosby Robot
I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
That's fine. [pauses] No, wait!
BC Bill Cosby Robot
Oh well, I suppose. [hands gun over to Stan]
Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, Fat boy!
BC Bill Cosby Robot
Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.
Yeah, that would be faster.
BC Bill Cosby Robot
I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.
[Kyle enters the core of Cartman/Trapper Keeper]
CT Cartman/Trapper Keeper
What are you doing, Kyle?
I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.
CT Cartman/Trapper Keeper
I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
[angrily] Screw you, fat boy.
CT Cartman/Trapper Keeper
Hey, screw you!
What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]
RO Rosie O'Donnell
Hello, kids!
Now there's two of those things!
[Trying to resolve the dispute over who has been elected kindergarten class president]
All right, children. As you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Mrs. Harris?
[She comes in, guiding a sick boy hooked to an IV pole. He hands his ballot to Mr. Garrison and coughs something up onto the floor.]
Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung.
[He picks it up and leaves with his mother.]
[Kyle has agreed to buy a turkey from a rancher]
But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
R Rancher
I know! Now I gotta find something else to shoot.
Speak to me, Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!
[Cartman has agreed to be blindfolded and ear muffed to get an idea of Helen Keller's perspective; he sees various frightening images of things like skulls, gore, and violence, as well as sugary foods.]
M Maynard
What did you see?
Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.
Every year the fourth-graders do The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.
Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.
S4 E14 Pip
Joe, do you know anything about women?
Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!
P Pocket
Oh, we'll have a gay old time! ...and by "gay", I mean "happy" not "penetration of the bum"!
AM Audience Member
Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
