BBrunet
Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
BBrunet
Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
BBrunet
Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
[sadly rubs her eyes] Ooh.
Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
BBrunet
Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
BBrunet
It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--
Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're going to do about it!
Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
BBrunet
Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might want to call the police or something.
JDJonathan Davis
Well, that does it. Something funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.
DDavid
They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.
DDavid
"Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
MMunky
No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.
FFieldy
You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.
JDJonathan Davis
But that makes them pirate ghosts.
DDavid
No, it makes them ghost pirates.
HHead
Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.
JDJonathan Davis
Pirate ghosts.
Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?
Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.
For the last time, my name is not Garrison-San, all right? And this is not Hat-San! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!
Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii da na.
He said, Garrison-San sabuchii da na.
Damn it, this is not Japan!
Minata! Kite kite, churi! [farts; the class laughs]
Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [a happy Cartman comes to the stand] Alright, Eric, here's your word: "chair". [Cartman looks at Fonics Monkey, only to wave in response]
[whispers] Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [Fonics Monkey looks to the left, but no response] Come on! [Fonics Monkey starts to masturbate]
Eric, your word is "chair".
Could you please use it in a sentence?
Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair"!
Um..."chair". C-h-a-r-e. [buzz] Goddamn it, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!
RRebecca
Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog. How could I not see it?
RRebecca
Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.
Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?
RRebecca
I have looked at it.
Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.
RRebecca
How can children go to school on a flicker of light?
From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.
RRebecca
What else would one do?
RRebecca
And what is love?
Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.
RRebecca
What means this kiss?
When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.
RRebecca
Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.
RRebecca
You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?
RRebecca
Perhaps we should look it up.
No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]
RRebecca
Wow...wow, that was fun. [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]
Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
RRebecca
You bet your sweet ass I will.
[with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.
Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]
Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!
Stan You suck now, Kyle! [walks away with the other boys]
Principal Victoria [on stage] Boys and girls, can I have your attention, please? This year we have a very special guest performing the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a musical force in the '70's and '80's. Please welcome Ronnie James Dio! [walks off as the curtains part. Dio appears with his band. The kids look back and say nothing]
DDio
Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!
Butters Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess.
DDio
Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's-
["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]
Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]
RRebecca
[dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]
Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]
RRebecca
[walks over to Tolkien] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]
What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]
RRebecca
[walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?
MMark
[returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]
RRebecca
I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]
Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]
MMark
You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!
Uh. All I did was show her how to-
MMark
You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]
[landing on his back] Aaaah!
MMark
[pounces on again] You bitch! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]
Craig Oh my God!
Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]
[entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]
MMark
...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]
Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]
Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.
Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]
[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!
[grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!
