DMr. Derp
Ain't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!
S3 E3The Succubus
And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
CChef
Damn right, Garrison!
Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.
WAWoman at front desk
Chef?
He's a big guy with a beard.
And a chef's hat.
And a real huge dick.
WAWoman at front desk
Oh, the black guy.
huh?
CSChef's Father
Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
You're Chef's parents?
CSChef's Mother
Yes, all his life.
[in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
CSChef's Father
Well, he should be out now directly.
CSChef's Mother
He's so excited about the wedding now.
CSChef's Father
Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?
No, that's okay.
CSChef's Father
Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
CSChef's Mother
We were so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on Earth is that creature?"
CSChef's Father
It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
CSChef's Mother
Oh, it was so scary!
CSChef's Father
...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fiddy."
[long pause]
What's tree-fiddy?
CSChef's Father
Three dollars and fifty cents.
CSChef's Mother
Tree-fiddy.
He wanted money?
CSChef's Father
That's right. I said, "I ain't giving you no tree-fiddy, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
CSChef's Mother
I gave him a dollar.
CSChef's Father
She gave him a dollar.
CSChef's Mother
I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
CSChef's Father
Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!
Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-
CChef
I do!
CSChef's Mother
Aah, my baby's getting married!
And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
S3 E4Tweek vs. Craig
Don't screw around in Shop Class!
[After writing a suicide note, Mr. Adler lies on a conveyor belt and it takes him feet-first to a buzz-saw, which he hopes will kill him]
Jesus Christ! [sits up and re positions himself to go head-first] What was I thinking? That would've hurt like hell!
I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.
Nope! [slams the door shut]
[surprised] God damn it. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?
Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?
Oh nothing, just that you stick it up your leg before you go to bed every night.
That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!
[Tweek and Craig are wrestling each other]
Don't screw around!
[Kenny clings to the jigsaw to avoid getting hurt by Tweek and Craig]
Stop screwing around! Hey, you're screwing around too much!
[Kenny's parka gets caught in the spinning blade, causing him to get flung into a box of rusty nails]
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
You bastards!
I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.
HEHome EC. teacher
That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. But all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have home EC.
HEHome EC. teacher
Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
Why?
HEHome EC. teacher
Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight.
Oh, well, uh, I can't. I left the oven on.
HEHome EC. teacher
Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?
I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital warts. [he begins closing the door]
HEHome EC. teacher
We'll use plastic wrap.
Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. [shuts the door on her face]
S3 E5Jakovasaurs
You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
Where am I?
[From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as Jakov]
JJakov
Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!
Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov.
JJakov
[pause] Whooooo, Niners!
Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!
DIDepartment of Interior Guy
Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.
[disbelieving pause] I have authoritah?
DIDepartment of Interior Guy
That's right, and people must respect it.
Well, that should be fine—just fine.
DIDepartment of Interior Guy
Fine, just fine.
Fine.
Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box [teases Ned a while] Want it? You want it? Yeah, you want it. Here. Try it out, Ned.
NNed
[in an Irish accent] Ah, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. [realizes he's got an Irish accent] What the devil is this, then?
Aw, no! I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake.
NNed
[still in an Irish accent] Oh, what a bloody pickle this is. Did ya keep the receipt then?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.