Gerald Broflovski quotes from South Park

Welcome to Whistlin' Willy's. Y'all enjoying this pizza?

Look here, my good man, we've been waiting over 15 minutes for you to sing Happy Birthday to our son!

Unfortunately for you, we are both restaurant critics, and so is our son!

(gets an angry face) One-star!

Excuse me! Emergency! [Whistlin' Willy rushes over to see what's up] Over here! Emergency! I would like a table. Inside the area with all the little plastic balls please, and make it snappy I am a food critic for Yelp.

(finally seems to snap as he gets enraged) THAT DOES IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! All you Yelp reviewers, get the hell out of here! I don't care what happens to my business, I ain't kissing yo' asses no more! [moves the male food critic from the table to the double doors on his chair and throws him against the doors] Go on! Every Yelper get the FUCK out of here!!

Careful now, Bill. You don't want a one-star review.

(comes to him) YOU'RE NOT A FOOD CRITIC, DENNIS, YOU'RE A FUCKIN' MECHANIC! NOW, GET THE FUCK OUT!!! GO ON!! ALL YOU YELPING SONS OF BITCHES, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! (Yelpers begin to stream out of the Whistlin' Willy's Restaurant]

You're gonna regret this, Whistlin' Willy. You can't treat Yelpers this way.

You get the f-- GET THE FUCK OUT!!! [kicks the male food critic in the ass for emphasis as the critic goes out the door. He slams the door shut. Gerald shows up a few seconds later.]

Well, good for you.

You too, son of a bitch!

WHOA! HEY! [Whistlin' Willy kicks him out too and slams the door]

Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!

Why are they all suddenly coming here? [Gerald and Sheila arrive]

Mayor, what are you going to do about this?! My wife and I can barely eat or shop!

When a town like ours has a homeless problem, it must look at the root of what's causing it.

[arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!

What?!

There's these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over Sodomy, forced all the homeless out!

Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?!

They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!

If someone Photoshopped a dick in your wife's mouth, would you just think it was funny?

You mean my [shows his phone to Dick with image of Sheila Photoshopped] fracking screensaver.

It's true. You're just an asshole. I thought you were the ultimate rebel. I actually looked up to you and you're nothing but a super... dick.

And what are [points at Dick] you, Dildo Shwaggins? Huh? You think you're a fracking political activist hauled up in your shifty little midget condo. You're nothing but a passed off little giant, lashing out at everyone because you can't get laid!

Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this!

Believe what? Your text said that-

Come on come on come on! [pulls him into the kitchen with two burgers sitting on the table] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat.want you to try it. [hands Gerald a burger]

It's a hamburger?

It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it] Well?

This tastes like shit.

Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though.

[through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good.

Wait for it. Wait for it..

Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in]

Yeah ha ha?

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, right?

[takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had!

And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12.

[reclining against a cabinet eating a burger] Best burgers I ever had.

[limps next to Jimbo, whispering to him in soft anger] Just fucking shut up! You have no idea if it's because of the Special! You could just be sick again 'cause you're a fat, fucking alcoholic! And I am NOT going to jail for you! [smacks Jimbo in the face and limps away holding his crotch]

And you say you've never had a mustache before?

No! Never! I just came outta nowhere!

Sheila

How could this happen, Doctor?

Have you put anything toxic in your body lately? Any drugs or alcohol?

No! I mean… I've enjoyed a little of the Pandemic Special.

Oh, no, no, no. That…that's totally fine.

Doctor, you better come to the emergency room!

[shocked] Holy shit!

Hey! Hold on a second, everybody! [grunting as he drags Bob White behind him, who is been turned into a giant penis] I think I can help things out here!

Stan

What the heck is that?

It's him! It's the chosen one!

He's come to save us all like the prophecy foretold on the internet!

Wait, he's the chosen one?

Listen! Listen, everybody. I -- I think I owe you all a big apology. I came in here expecting everything to just go back to normal, but... we've all been through the proverbial butthole of hardships lately. I thought we could all just magically be friends again. But relationships are very fragile things. And in times of crises when we need each other most, it's sometimes when we grow furthest apart. But through it all, Mr. White here has taught me a very important lesson. Make sure you're on the side of the people with the most power. And so, I've worked out a deal with some pretty powerful people... [looks up at the sky] Alright, boys, do your thing! [Low bass tone sounds, and as fireworks explode in the air, an Air Israel plane appear] It's Air Israel with enough vaccines for every adult in town!

[injecting himself] Hey, Garrison, good job!

[as Linda injects him] Yeah, you're alright, Garrison!

[laughs] Oh, jeez. Thanks, everybody.

[pounding on the door of Mr. Garrison's house as he and the angry mob show up] Come on out, you piece of shit! We're un-electing you! [kicks the door down and he and the mob enter, and find Mr. Garrison and Rick sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching White Lotus on the TV]

Rick

Excuse me, do you mind?

What the hell do you think you're doing, Garrison?!

I'm not doing anything.

Oh, so you haven't been looting the country and ruling by fear like some middle-eastern tinpot dictator?!

No, I've been sitting here watching White Lotus with Rick.

But you got re-elected.

Sheila

[ranting in frustration] Everywhere I went today, it was the same thing! What are you going to do about Gaza?! Like us Jews in America have any control over what's going on in Israel. Why is everyone suddenly confronting us about the politics?! [to Gerald] Have people been asking what you think about Gaza, Gerald?

No, for some reason, they were just asking what you think about it.

Sheila

You see?! It's just pure antisemitism! I'm so sick of being grilled about my views on Palestine and my thoughts on Hamas! [Ike secretly pulls out his phone, opens up the poll in the market app, and bets $2] And being judged for things that are centuries old and that non-Jews know nothing about! Well, if they all think we should do something… [in unison] then you better believe I'll do something!

Kyle

[whispering in protest; in unison] You… stop! [out of unison] You know, Mom, I'm starting to think that us Jews should just lay low for a little bit.

Sheila

There! Now my son is complacent. This is one Jewish household that will not put up with it anymore! [gets up from the table and heads to the front door]

Kyle

[hops off his seat and follows her] Ma, please. Don't make things any worse.

Sheila

Worse?! How can it be any worse?! [takes her bag off the coat rack and opens the door] I'm going to find out where all this is coming from, and I'm going to give them a piece of my mind! [closes the door and leaves]

Kyle

No, Ma!