Kenny McCormick quotes from South Park

Cartman

[as a dwarf warrior] Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?

Kyle

[as a female human mage] We're over here, by the cart!

Cartman

[approaches] Okay, I'm back.

Stan

[as a human warrior] Dude! We've been waiting forever!

Cartman

Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a shit!

Kyle

If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!

Cartman

Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fuckin' girl!

Kenny

[as a human hunter; muffled] I think Kyle has sweet titties! [laughs]

Cartman

Heh heh, totally!

Kyle

[to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?

Stan

Sure, dude.

Kyle

I need you to keep quiet about this, alright?

Kyle

My little brother and his teach—-

Cartman

Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?

Kyle

Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!

Stan

Dude, what's the matter?

Kyle

The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.

Stan

Wow.

Kenny

Really?!

Cartman

Damn, bro, your lil' brother is pretty cool.

Kyle

It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand!

Cartman

What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.

Kyle

[sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?

Cartman

Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.

Stan

Dude, I really don't see a problem.

Cartman

Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.

Kyle

You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break!

Kyle

And during class, they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!

Cartman

They what?

Kyle

They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!

Cartman

[turns around] Hang on a second. Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.

Kyle

Well, they're doing it.

Cartman

Yeah, well, now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction. If someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!

Cartman

You guys, I got it! Seriously, it's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!

Stan

Whatcha do to Butters this time?

Cartman

It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]

Stan

Dude!

Cartman

I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!

Stan

Dude, how is putting Butters's wiener in his mouth getting him?

Cartman

Because that makes Butters gay now!

Kyle

No, dude, that makes you gay!

Cartman

Uh, what?

Kyle

You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!

Cartman

[looks more closely at the picture] Uh-uh.

Kyle

Yeah-huh!

Cartman

Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?

Kenny

Ha ha, that makes you totally fucking gay.

Cartman

But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!

Stan

You are now.

Cartman

No--no, it was a stupid mistake!

Kyle

Doesn't matter. You're gay now.

Cartman

No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?

Stan

You can't!

Kyle

No--no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.

Cartman

How?

Kyle

The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.

Cartman

[in low voice] Really?

Kyle

Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.

Cartman

Shoot, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]

Kyle

Idiot.

Cartman

We all know the only person who can spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.

Kenny

What?! Fuck you!

Cartman

All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the students attack Kenny]

Kenny

[unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!

Cartman

[jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! Yes!

Kenny

Yes!

Stan

That was a sweet idea, Kyle.

Kyle

Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!

Cartman

Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman! And you're gonna let that near your penis?!

Kenny

Yep! Woohoo!

Stan

Admit you just want to be on TV.

Kenny

I just want to be on TV.

Cartman

[whispers] Kenny! [aloud] I deserve to be on TV.

Okay, kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.

Cartman

Aw, a book? God, I hate those.

Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.

Cartman

Oh, really? Sweet.

It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...

Stan

[excited] All right!

And strong vulgar language...

Kenny

[muffled] Awesome, dude!

And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.

Cartman

[starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!

Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...

Cartman

No, no, come on let's read it now!

Kyle

Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?

[irritated] Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a kook

Cartman

Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies? Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?

[angry] You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!

All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.

Cartman

[In a southern accent] All right what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off, so I'm going to do some dipping and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dipping some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? That's fuckin' gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] It's gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.

Butters

Obama's fuckin' gay.

Cartman

He's fuckin' gay as hell.

Butters

Pisses me off.

Cartman

So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin' come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama's gay as hell!

Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.

Kenny

Fuck you!

Stan

Kenny! [He goes to Kenny] Kenny, What the fuck?!

Kenny

What?

Stan

How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?

Kenny

I don't know.

Stan

Did you leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?

Kenny

No.

Stan

That was a Private e-mail message from me and you! [Wendy shows up angrily at Stan, and Stan noticed her] Hey, Wendy.

You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?!

Kenny

Oh, fuck. I'm gettin' out of here! [Kenny closes his locker and leaves]

[A live-action segment of the episode begins] (narrating) Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from Hell. [cut to different shots of the four boys screaming] ...trapped on a forty-two foot power boat [cut to the boat the boys are on] which is only allowed to go five miles an hour.

Kyle

[angrily] Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!

Cartman

[shoots back at Kyle] Well, it’s not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all zip lining, you fahkin’ Jew!

Kyle

Ziplining was your idea, you fatass!

The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.

Cartman

Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining- mine or Kyle's?

Kenny

[unmuffled, nonchalantly] I don't know; I really don't give a shit...

For four elementary school boys, an already tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... [cut to a fly-over of the boat as the title appears into view] "I Should Have Never Got on a Goddamn Boat". [cut to more shots of Kenny and Stan screaming]

Kyle

[notices Cartman drinking another can of Diet Double Dew] Oh no. You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side, into the water! [the scene cuts to a watermark saying, "The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies", followed by shots of Cartman defecating over the side of the boat, Stan screaming, and Kyle and Kenny vomiting]

Cartman

Did anyone notice that the brownies taste like shit today?

Kyle

Yeah. You guys just want to go out to recess?

Cartman

The playground's burned down, dude.

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah.

Cartman

Playground's burned down, everyone hates us, brownies taste like shit. Everything just sucks right now!

Stan

[pounds his fists on the table] That's it. I'm not gonna just sit here and be miserable. It's time for me to start acting like a man. [leaves the table and walks towards Clyde] Hey, Clyde, how come you told Wendy I said I was gonna be "dripping in bitches?!"

Because that's what you said.

Stan

That's not what I meant and you know it! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!

Was that before or after you told me to fuck myself?

Stan

TELL HER YOU LIED, ASSHOLE!

You're the asshole!

Kyle

[runs up, breaking them up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Cool it down, dude. This isn't gonna get us anywhere.

Kind of like your start-up company.

Token

Kyle just hit Clyde!

Jimmy

Get him!

Now, I don't know who threw the first punch or who started this whole thing, but I assure you, that whatever it takes, will get to the bottom of this, m'kay?! Now, Clyde, what did you have for lunch?

Huh?

Did you eat the school lunch, or did you pack a lunch?

I packed a lunch.

Cartman

[as the drone flies over to the backyard of the Tucker residence] Dude, there's Craig's house! That's Craig's house!

Kenny

[muffled] Okay, try to get closer!

Butters

Okay, uh, maybe that's enough.

Cartman

Oh, dude, look, there's Craig! [chuckles; the drone moves to the next window of Thomas and Laura's master bedroom, showing Laura getting undressed] Craig's mom's taking off her clothes.

Kenny

[muffled] Are you serious?!

Butters

Let me see!

Cartman

Check it out, guys, she's taking off… Oh, my God, we've got full bush!

Kenny

[muffled] Stop taping!

Butters

Jeeeeezz!

Cartman

[to Kenny] This thing is recording, right?

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah!

Cartman

Dude, that is Craig's mom's bush, right there! Wait. Wait, what's that? [Thomas has been called over and looks at the drone outside their window when Laura heard it as she stands behind him] Oh, shit, dude! Bail! Bail! [thrusts the controller to Butters]

Butters

What do I do?!

Cartman

His dad sees you!

Butters

[starting to panic] I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Cartman

Fly back to the house, stupid!

[angrily banging on the door and Stephen answers] You got a problem, Stotch?!

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about! There was a drone spying on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone!

Hey, now, hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct.

Horse-shit! Your drone is out there flying around right now!

I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you. [leads Thomas to the garage, opens the side door, and sure enough, the drone and its controller are sitting on the floor as expected] There, you see? It's right there.

So... so you flew it back here in time?

I swear I didn't fly it.

Well these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They ought to be illegal. I better not find out it was your drone! [leaves the garage]

Kyle

Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures on your eyelashes and in your teeth!

Cartman

So?

Kyle

So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're trickling in your mouth and mixing with millions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!

Stan

Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?

Kyle

Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.

Cartman

[spits his soda out and laughs] Fecal transplant!

Hi, Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.

Kyle

Why?

Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a video game] "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.

Cartman

Whaaat?

Stan

Yeah, he wants it.

Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah. He'll do anything.

When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar?

Kyle

What?! EW! NO!

Cartman

Yes!

I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.

Kyle

That is disgusting. Absolutely not!

Cartman

Kyle!

Oh, well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber.

Cartman

What is your problem?!

Kyle

What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!

Stan

Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'til Christmas. We could be paying with it tomorrow.

Kenny

[muffled] TO-MORROW!

Kyle

I said, NO, and that's final!