SASister Anne
Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.
Jesus was made of…crackers?
But crackers are his body.
KennyWhat?
SASister Anne
In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."
So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.
SASister Anne
No no no no!
Well, what are we eating then?
SASister Anne
The body of Christ!
No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.
I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
SASister Anne
Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?
SASister Anne
And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.
Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.
SASister Anne
Eric, do you want to go to hell?
SASister Anne
Then stop questioning me.
It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!
Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.
They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!!
Well, you could make them go away for a while.
Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.
Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you got to do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.
I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.
[awed] Wow! Three months without parents!
Kenny
(Wow, that is awesome!)
But what do the police do to them?
Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get. They're liars and cheats.
[during flashback]
[singing] In the ghetto, in the ghetto
He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride
'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside
In the ghetto, in the ghetto
Kenny
Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
Kenny
I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
[after flashback]
I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
[Cartman's house, night. The front door opens and in a walk of Stan and Kenny]
[there's debris all over the living room. The boys arrive at Cartman hanging from a candy-cane colored swing set with the swings removed. Beneath him is a tub of water. Cartman has it rigged so that he pulls a string, which releases him and at the same time triggers a sledgehammer, which hits a box, which is supposed to land in the tub with him.]
Ah, Stan, Kenny, you're just in time.
[shocked] Dude, what are you doing?
I am just about to flash back to the days of our Founding Fathers!
Kenny
(That's a great idea!)
Hold on. How are you supposed to have an flashback, when you're about to commit suicide?
I have programmed TiVo to record over fifty hours of the History channel. When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electrowhatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history!
Uh Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea.
Or a really sweet one. [a bell is heard]
Whoa, here it goes! [triggers the sledgehammer as he falls. Both he and the TiVo land in the tub, and the house shorts out. Cartman is electrocuted as he lands in the water. Stan spend a few seconds in the darkness looking at Cartman, wondering if he'll come to. Kenny turns and walks away slowly]
Cartman? [no response] Cartman? Oh crap.....
TMr. Twong
Hello, welcome Shitty Airline!
Oh no, no, no, no, I am not flying in that thing.
Kenny
Me neither.
Kenny
'Cause, dude, I'll fucking die!
You're not gonna die, Kenny, don't be stupid!
You guys get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.
No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?
Of course I care about Christmas! Oh, Christ on a stick!
Alright, dickhole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!
Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!
Alright, now I use my powers to...turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!
[is turned into a chicken] OH, COME ON!
[sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh.
Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped.
Oh, yeah? Kenny, use your ninja star!
Kenny
[muffled] Yeah! Try this, Professor Chaos! (gets out a shuriken) Feel my wrath! [throws shuriken at Butters, hitting him in the eyeball...]
[Butters continues screaming]
Oh, dude, it's stuck in his eye!
What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!
Kenny
[muffled] I just threw my ninja star at him.
[Kenny is playing PSP]
MMrs. McCormick
Kenny? Kenny, are you still playing with that thing? Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothing else!
Kenny
I could get to level 60!
MMrs. McCormick
Who cares if you almost made it to level 60? You're wasting your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it? You're gonna end up wishing you'd done more with your life, just like your deadbeat father!
MMr. McCormick
'Ey! I heard that, bitch!
MMrs. McCormick
I wasn't talking to you, asshole!
So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.
Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.
Kenny
Hey, yeah!
No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.
Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
