Mr. Garrison quotes from South Park

You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you FAG!!

Where has my country gone?

Kyle

Ow! What the hell was that for?!

Cartman

That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!

Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?

Kyle

Well, I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.

Cartman

Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!

Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.

Cartman

[Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?

She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.

Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.

That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.

You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.

Kenny, why are you late to class?

Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. [addressing the class] Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...

Yes Kenny, what is it?

Kenny

(I have to go pee.)

I thought you just came from the bathroom.

Kenny

(I did, I gotta go again...)

Okay okay, go ahead.

Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than 2 young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.

Stan

Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!

Pay attention, children!

Cartman

Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?

I don't know, Eric, they just do.

Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?

Sheila

How about the dreidel song, boobie?

Kyle

I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.

The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?

Kyle

[singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, and I love...

Stan

Christmas poo?

Cartman

What the hell is Christmas poo?!

Kyle

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?

Sheila

Kyle, that is enough!

See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a Pagan.

Sheila

Now that does it! I am going straight to the Mayor about you, Mr. Garrison!

Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry, was it the Pagan remark?

The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.

Cartman

Thanks to Kyle's mother.

Kyle

Shut up, Cartman!

So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas songs?

Yes, Eric?

Cartman

How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor?

Kyle

I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

I feel kinda nauseous.

Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]

Arrgh!

By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?

[throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!

I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.

Sat through that entire movie to see the alien, and it was her goddamn father!

Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?

Nope. He's gay.

You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

Is it Jimbo?

Daaagh!

Or is it Officer Barbrady?

Huh?! Where?!

Or could it be Ned?

Could be.

Or Mr. Broflovski?

Kyle

Dad, how could you?!

Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.

Cartman

What?! Son of a bitch!

Can't go on... So hungry...

We're all going to die in this horrible place.

We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.

How can we? How could we live with ourselves?

There's only one answer: Eat Eric Roberts.

Yes, of course! Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.

Eat Eric Roberts!

No! No, please!

It's over! We're free!

Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?

Listen, everybody! We did what we had to in there.

But how will we live with ourselves now?

One day at a time, Mayor. One day at a time.

Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggy bag. Does anybody else want some?

Cartman

For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

No, I can't say I have.

Cartman

Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.

And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!

Cartman

God damn it!!

Hello children, how is your summer going?

Stan

Summer sucks bad, Mr. Garrison.

Kyle

Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?

Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.

Stan

That's good.

Mr. Hat is just a puppet.

Kyle

Yep.

Mr. Hat isn't real.

Stan

Right.

Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?

Stan

No, I just--

Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile!

Stan

I'm not lying! Someone just handed me--

Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.

Stan

But I didn't write the note!

Cartman

Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.

Stan

Shut up, Cartman!

Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!

Stan

"Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those perk cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity." Whoa, dude!

Cartman

What if you don't have any rhythm?

Miss Stevens

Excuse me?

Cartman

Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.

Kyle

SHUT UP, FAT ASS!

Stan

Choirs suck!

[thunders angrily] KYLE BROFLOVSKI, YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! ERIC CARTMAN, YOU BE NICE TO PEOPLE! STAN MARSH, YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS! KENNY MCCORMICK, YOU PAY ATTENTION! [deep sigh; to Miss Stevens] Go ahead.

Miss Stevens

Well, uh.. that's all, really. So if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.

Cartman

Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [Stan and Kyle laugh]

ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT!

And never let poontang come between you and your friend!

Damn right, Garrison!