Randy Marsh quotes from South Park

So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?

Stan

Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.

Stanley!

Stan

What? He did!

No, it doesn't work that way, son.

Stan

Yeah, it does.

No, it doesn't.

Stan

Yeah, it does.

Gone...it's all gone.

Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi; you've killed our religion.

No, I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules.

(continuing) You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about: this book. You see, these are just stories. Stories that are meant to help guide people [cut back to Vatican] in the right direction. "Love your neighbor", "be a good person", [cut to the Williams family watching] that's it! And when you start [cut back to Vatican] turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well...well you end up with this.

People are losing faith because they don't see how what [cut to Marsh residence] you've turned the religion into applies to them. They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, [cut to the Tweak residence] and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths!

(distracted) What was that last bit?

Look, I'm proud to be a Catholic, but I'm a Catholic in the real world - in today's world! It's time for you all to do that too. It is time...for change.

He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible, they're just stories to help us live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.

Oh, Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore.

Gang, I think maybe we owe God an apology.

Stan Marsh

Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?

No, it means we get to, son. It means...we get to.

Stan

A-tah! Ah, a-tah!

Hey there, son.

Stan

(Turns around) Ohh! A-tah, a-tah!

Yes, a-tah. Let's have a talk, Stan.

Stan

Ah.

Stan, as you get older, boobs, these "a-tah", will start becoming a major part of your life.

Stan

A-tah?

But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There're a lot of boobs out there son, but they're just boobs. Your friends are forever.

Stan

Friends...a-tah.

I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, some day, (puts an arm around a smiling Sharon) you'll meet a pair of boobs you want to marry - and those become the boobs that matter the most.

I love you.

If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all.

And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.

Sheila

Oh, God! This-this is horrible!

All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?

I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.

BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!

It's that bad?

Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!

I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.

Sheila

[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!

I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.

Sheila

[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!

We're sorry!

Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.

Sheila

Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!

I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?

Butters

[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!

All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.

Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [long beat] Well, you-you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.

Token

[beat] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?

Jesus, what kind of porno was that?

It was Backdoor Sluts 9.

Oh Jesus, not that one!!

Cartman

Tolerance kicks ass!

That's our Cartman.

Stan

I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!

Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!

Stan

I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!

Stan!

Sheila

Kyle!

Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.

We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people and the anti-war people.

Token

What the hell are they doing now?

Kyle

[face palm] Ah, I don't know.

For the war, against the war- who cares? One hundred episodes! [Randy and Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]

Kyle

I hate this town. I really, really do.

Stan

You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.

Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.

Stan

A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!

Stan? Okay?

Stan

What???

All right? Stan? Okay?

Stan

You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans!

Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! I'm sorry, Native Americans.

Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.

Stan

No Dad, No!

Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.

There's more to life than profits.

Really, Like what?

You know, like Slurpees and stuff.

Cartman

Man, Indians have it good, huh?

Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.

Mr. Tweek, why don't we go back to my place?

Why?

Well, you know. I was just thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.

Ooh. Jesus Christ!

Whoa! Goodness no. I'm straight.

Straight? Jesus, what the heck is going on here?! Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?

Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr. Garrison, we're straight.

Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!

Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.

No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!

Stan, are you okay?

Stan

Yeah, Dad, we're just rehearsing our band.

Oh. I thought a group of Vietnamese people were getting their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [closes door, Eric laughs sarcastically]