Randy Marsh quotes from South Park

Sharon,

Yes Hun?

There's a policeman being held prisoner in our basement.

Yes, Hun, I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away.

Why did you take his pants off?

... Sh ... Sharon ... Why did you take his pants off?

Stan

What are you doing, Dad?

Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.

Stan

No, he's not. He can't even get an erection!

He he he! Really?

Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!

Or else what?

Exactly!

Stan

Well, we're going to go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]

[resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?

You're supposed to lose, you idiot!

Where am I?

Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!

Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov.

[pause] Whooooo, Niners!

Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it--

We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!

Kyle

[with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.

Stan

Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]

Kyle

Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!

Kyle

You suck!

Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!

Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's-

["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]

Butters

Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]

[dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]

Butters

Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]

[walks over to Tolkien] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]

Tolkien

What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]

[walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?

Kyle

Rebecca. You...

[returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]

I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]

Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]

You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!

Kyle

Uh. All I did was show her how to-

You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]

Kyle

[landing on his back] Aaaah!

[pounces on again] You bitch! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]

Kyle

Ooww!

Stan

Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!

Butters

Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]

[entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]

...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]

Stan

Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]

Butters

Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.

Stan

Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]

[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!

Butters

[grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!

[taken aback] That's God?

Yea, it's my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.

The Beginning and the End.

Well, yeah, but that?

What did you expect me to look like, my son?

[thinks for a moment] Well not like that!

Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that.

You mean I can't say f[beep]?

No, see, you got beeped.

You mean you have to be a f[beep] to say f[beep]?

Yep.

Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." [he looks shocked as he realizes he didn't get censored]

Hey...you didn't get beeped.

Uh-oh.

Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something?

You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid!

Stan

But Dad, I was just trying to-

Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!

Stan

[to Cartman] Asshole.

That's better.

Cartman

Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!

Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.

Stan

Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]

Cartman

That's not funny! Jesus Christ!

[screams]

STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?

Stan

I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :[everyone is shocked]

STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!

Stan

My room? Why?

Go, Stanley! [Stan goes straight to his room; chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades. [Later, in Stan's room; sternly] Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?

Stan

No.

Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon glares at him] Uh, I mean ever- beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.

Stan

Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.

Kyle

[he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.

[enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.

Stan

The principal? Aw, come on!

Kyle

We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!

She needs to see you now. [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]

Kyle

Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.

Hello, boys.

Stan

Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]

Kyle

Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.

[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]

Kyle

Kenny's sick?

Stan

Well, how sick?

Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.

Stan

[after a pause] ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?

Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]

Stan

Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.

Randy...

They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.

Kyle

Wait. Kenny's going to die?

He might, Kyle.

Stan

[tearing up] ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend.

We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.

Stan

No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]

[pounds on the door, trying to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!

Stan

No!

Stan, you're behaving like a kid!

Stan

You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer!

Open this door, now!

Stan

Kiss my ass!

Butters

Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.

Kyle

You're getting in pretty deep, dude.

He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.

Vaginitis?

It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.

Kyle

Whoa, dude.

We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.

Cartman

Thank God we stopped it in time.

Stan

Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.

Butters

Hear hear.

Sheila

All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.

I'll say!

Butters

Aw, we're still grounded?

Kyle

But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.

Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.

That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.

All right!